Making My Time Away A Little Easier...For All of Us.
You know how some parents look forward to going back to work to get a
break from their children and spouses? I'm not one of them. I hate
going to work in the morning. Absolutely hate it. I hate leaving my
family - especially on Monday after I have spent so much time with them
during the weekend. To make matters worse, my twin 19-month old
children hate it, too. Sometimes they will cry and scream when I lean
down to say goodbye. Other times they cling to me when I give them a
hug and refuse to let go - as if I really want to leave in the first
place.
My children have developed different ways of dealing with my leaving in
the morning. Jordyn, my little girl, has somehow learned on her own to
keep her connection to me throughout the day. She will point to
pictures of me and yell out, "Da-Dee!" Or, and this just broke my
heart, she will pick up my sneakers, take them to my wife and say,
"Da-Dee shoes." When she started to do this, my leaving in the morning
wasn't as hard on either of us.
But for my little boy, my leaving was much harder on him. When he gets
excited, he sometimes actually has to back away from what got him so
excited while his whole body shakes with emotion. He is already quite
attuned to his emotions; he just doesn't have the tools yet to deal
with all of them. To deal with my leaving, he either would cry or
scream or remain distant. When I came home at night he would barely
acknowledge me, while his sister would scream out "Daddy" and lift up
her arms for me to pick her up. I felt hurt and angry - mostly at
myself - thinking about how much I was hurting Elijah every morning.
This continued until my wife observed that somehow Jordyn was able to
remain connected to me during the day, while Elijah wasn't and that was
why he had such a difficult time. The challenge became how to help
Elijah feel connected to me during the day.
My first thought was maybe a piece of clothing, like one of my shirts.
I also took a lunch hour to look around at different stores to see if
there was something I could buy that could better tie us together in
his mind. While I was trying to find a long-term solution, I decided to
give him the towel I use when I ride my bike in the morning. I asked
him to take care of it for me during the day as I gave him a hug and a
kiss goodbye.
The second day I gave it to him, he said "Tow-a?" The third day, my
wife told me that he had been in our bedroom while I was at work and
had found one of my work shirts on the floor. He then laid down and put
his head on it and said, "Da-Dee." He got it! He connected to me while
I was not there. When she told me about that, I had tears in my eyes.
This morning, a few weeks after we started the "interim" solution of
the towel, he was reaching out for it because he couldn't wait to hold
it. During the day, he tries to put it on his shoulder and wear it like
I do. Now, not only do they not get too upset when I leave, but they
even wave "Bye, Bye" to me as I drive my car in front of the house on
my way to work. Work, where I have pictures of them all over my wall
and have a slideshow of them as my screensaver - trying to keep that
connection to them during the day so I don't get too upset.
Jeremy Schneider, MFT, earned his master's in
marriage and family therapy from Hahnemann University in Philadelphia.
Mr. Schneider was founder and executive director of Empowering Children and Families, a Philadelphia-based
non-profit organization fostering the confidence in individuals to
create stronger families from 1994 - 1998. He currently sees clients in Manhattan and
has written a series of articles on his experiences as a father of
twins born in December 2002. He lives in Long Island with his wife, Giokazta (pronounced
Jo-casta), and their boy-girl twins, Elijah and Jordyn. To contact him
directly, email him at
