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Fathers parent differently from mothers and that difference matters greatly for children.
Fatherhood
is just as essential to healthy child development as motherhood. In
some measures, father-love is more important. The professional journal,
Review of General Psychology, finds "evidence suggests that the
influence of father love on offspring's development is as great as and
occasionally greater than the influence of mother love."1
Fathering expert Dr. Kyle Pruett explains in Fatherneed: Why Father
Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child, "fathers do not
mother."2 Psychology Today explains, "fatherhood turns out
to be a complex and unique phenomenon with huge consequences for the
emotional and intellectual growth of children."3 Erik
Erikson, a pioneer in the world of child psychology, explained that
father love and mother love are qualitatively different kinds of love.
Fathers "love more dangerously" because their love is more "expectant,
more instrumental" than a mother's love.4 A father, as a
male biological parent, brings unique contributions to the job of
parenting a child that no one else can replicate.
Following are some of the most compelling ways father
involvement makes a positive difference in a child's life. The first
benefit is the difference itself.
Fathers Parent Differently
This
difference provides an important diversity of experiences for children.
Dr. Pruett explains that fathers have a distinct style of communication
and interaction with children. By eight weeks of age, infants can tell
the difference between their mother or father interacting with them.
This diversity, in itself, provides children with a broader, richer
experience of contrasting relational interactions — more so than for
children who are raised by only one parent. Whether they realize it or
not, children are learning at earliest age, by sheer experience, that
men and women are different and have different ways of dealing with
life, other adults and children. This understanding is critical for
their development.
"A
father, as a male biological parent, brings unique contributions to the
job of parenting a child that no one else can replicate."
Fathers Play Differently
Fathers
tend to play with, and mothers tend to care for, children. While both
mothers and fathers are physical, fathers are physical in different
ways.
Fathers tickle more, they wrestle, and they throw their
children in the air (while mother says... "Not so high!"). Fathers chase
their children, sometimes as playful, scary "monsters." Fathers are
louder at play, while mothers are quieter. Mothers cuddle babies, and
fathers bounce them. Fathers roughhouse while mothers are gentle.
Fathers encourage competition; mothers encourage equity. Father's style
encourages independence while mother's encourages security.
Fathering expert, John Snarey, explains that children who
roughhouse with their fathers learn that biting, kicking and other
forms of physical violence are not acceptable.5
They learn self-control by being told when "enough is enough" and when
to "settle down." Girls and boys both learn a healthy balance between
timidity and aggression. Children need mom's softness as well as dad's
roughhousing. Both provide security and confidence in their own ways by
communicating love and physical intimacy.
Fathers Build Confidence
Go to
any playground and listen to the parents there. Who is encouraging kids
to swing or climb just a little higher, ride their bike just a little
faster, throw just a little harder, etc? Who is encouraging kids to be
careful? Mothers protect and dads encourage kids to push the limits.
Either of these parenting styles by themselves can be unhealthy. One
can tend toward encouraging risk without consideration of consequences.
The other tends to avoid risk, which can fail to build independence,
confidence and progress. Joined together, they keep each other in
balance and help children remain safe while expanding their experiences
and confidence.
Fathers Communicate Differently
A
major study showed that when speaking to children, mothers and fathers
are different. Mothers will simplify their words and speak on the
child's level. Men are not as inclined to modify their language for the
child.
Mother's way facilitates immediate communication. Father's way
challenges the child to expand her vocabulary and linguistic skills —
an important building block of academic success.
Father's talk tends to be more brief, directive and to the
point. It also makes greater use of subtle body language. Mothers tend
to be more descriptive, personal and verbally encouraging. Children who
do not learn how to understand and use both styles of conversation as
they grow will be at a disadvantage, because they will experience each
out in the world.
Fathers Discipline Differently
Educational
psychologist Carol Gilligan tells us that fathers stress justice,
fairness and duty (based on rules), while mothers stress sympathy, care
and help (based on relationships). Fathers tend to observe and enforce
rules systematically and sternly, which teach children the objectivity
and consequences of right and wrong. Mothers tend toward grace and
sympathy in the midst of disobedience, which provide a sense of
hopefulness. Again, either of these by themselves is not good, but
together, they create a healthy, proper balance.
Fathers Prepare Children for the Real World
Dads
tend to see their child in relation to the rest of the world. Mothers
tend to see the rest of the world in relation to their child. Think
about it.
What motivates most mothers as parents? They are motivated
primarily by things from the outside world that could hurt their child
(i.e., lightning, accidents, disease, strange people, dogs or cats,
etc.). Fathers, while not unconcerned with these things, tend to focus
on how their children will or will not be prepared for something they
might encounter in the world.
Fathers help children see that particular attitudes and
behaviors have certain consequences. For instance, fathers are more
likely to tell their children that if they are not nice to others, kids
will not want to play with them. Or, if they don't do well in school,
they will not get into a good college or land a desirable job. Fathers
help children prepare for the reality and harshness of the real world,
and mothers help protect against it. Both are necessary as children
grow into adulthood.
Fathers Provide A Look at the World of Men; Mothers, the World of Women
Men
and women are different. They eat differently. They dress differently.
They smell different. They cope with life differently. Fathers do "man
things" and mothers do "woman things."
Girls and boys who grow up with a father are more familiar and
secure with the curious world of men. Girls with involved, married
fathers are more likely to have healthier relationships with boys in
adolescence and men in adulthood because they learn from their fathers
how proper men act toward women. They know which behaviors are
inappropriate. They also have a healthy familiarity with the world of
men. They don't wonder how a man's facial stubble feels or what it's
like to be hugged by strong arms. This knowledge builds emotional
security and safety from the exploitation of predatory males. They also
learn from mom how to live in a woman's world. This is especially
important as they approach adolescence and all the changes that
life-stage brings.
Boys who grow up with dads are less likely to be violent. They
have their masculinity affirmed and learn from their fathers how to
channel their masculinity and strength in positive ways. Fathers help
children understand proper male sexuality, hygiene and behavior in
age-appropriate ways. Mothers help boys understand the female world and
develop sensitivity toward women. They also help boys know how to
relate and communicate with women.
"As
noted sociologist David Popenoe explains, ‘Fathers are far more than
just "second adults" in the home. Involved fathers - especially
biological fathers - bring positive benefits to their children that no
other person is as likely to bring.'"
Fathers and Mothers Teach Respect for the Opposite Sex
Research
consistently shows married fathers are substantially less likely to
abuse their wives or children than men in any other category.6 This means that boys and girls with married fathers in the home learn, by observation, how men should treat women.
Girls with involved fathers, therefore, are more likely to select for
themselves good suitors and husbands because they have a proper
standard by which to judge all candidates. Fathers themselves also help
weed out bad candidates. Boys raised with fathers are more likely to be
good husbands because they can emulate their fathers' successes and
learn from their failures.
The American Journal of Sociology finds that,
"Societies with father-present patterns of child socialization produce
men who are less inclined to exclude women from public activities than
their counterparts in father-absent societies."7
Girls and boys with married mothers learn from their mothers what a
healthy, respectful female relationship with men looks like. Girls who
observe their mothers confidently and lovingly interacting with their
fathers learn how to interact confidently with men.
Fathers Connect Children with Job Markets
A
crucial point in life is the transition from financial dependence to
independence. This is usually a slow process spanning the years from
about 16 to 22 years of age. Fathers help connect their children,
especially boys, to job markets as they enter adulthood. This is
because fathers, more than mothers, are likely to have the kinds of
diverse community connections needed to help young adults get their
first jobs. When dad is not around, boys are not likely to have the
connections necessary to land a summer job at the tire store or
warehouse.
Conclusion
As noted
sociologist David Popenoe explains, "Fathers are far more than just
`second adults' in the home. Involved fathers - especially biological
fathers - bring positive benefits to their children that no other
person is as likely to bring."8
Fathers bring good, essential things to the lives of children. Children
are impoverished developmentally when they are deprived of their
father's love.
The Review of General Psychology concludes:
"Many studies conclude
that children with highly involved fathers, in relation to children
with less involved fathers, tend to be more cognitively and socially
competent, less inclined toward gender stereotyping, more empathetic,
and psychologically better adjusted."9
Glenn T. Stanton is Director of Social Research and Cultural Affairs and Senior Analyst for Marriage and Sexuality at Focus on the Family. He is also author of Why Marriage Matters: Reasons to Believe in Marriage in Postmodern Society (Pinon Press), and more recently, My Crazy, Imperfect Christian Family (NavPress, 2004). He also co-authored the book, Marriage on Trial: The Case Against Same-Sex Marriage and Parenting (Inter-Varsity Press, 2004).
1Ronald
Rohner and Robert Veneziano, "The Importance of Father Love: History
and Contemporary Evidence," Review of General Psychology, 5 (2001)
382-405.
2Kyle D. Pruett, Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential
as Mother Care for Your Child, (New York: The Free Press, 2000), pp.
17-34.
3"Shuttle Diplomacy," Psychology Today, July/August 1993, p. 15.
4As cited in Kyle D. Pruett, The Nurturing Father, (New York: Warner Books, 1987), p. 49.
5John Snarey, How Fathers Care for the Next Generation: A
Four Decade Study (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1993), p. 35-36.
6Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage,
(New York: Doubleday, 2000); David Popenoe, Life Without Father, (New
York: The Free Press, 1996).
7Scott Coltrane, "Father-Child Relationships and the Status
of Women: A Cross-Cultural Study," American Journal of Sociology, 93
(1988) p. 1088.
8David Popenoe, Life Without Father (New York: The Free Press, 1996), p. 163.
9Rohner and Veneziano, 2001, p. 392.
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