|
|
 |
|
'Twas The Night Before Easter |
|
Written by David Ostrand
|
This is a story about the ending of my marriage and the first year of
being a "single dad". It is about the many victories and defeats that
came to my two daughters and me during that time. Our first year was
the hardest time of our lives and brought big changes to us. It also
laid a solid foundation for our future and I wouldn't change a thing.
My name is David and my daughters are Ashley, now 8 and Lindsey, now 5.
It was March of 2000. The night before Easter is when my life began to
change. Even though I didn't know it yet, that night would affect most
everyone around me too.
I was driving home from work that Saturday night after a very
successful sale (best ever) when the pain really started getting to me.
I started to get dizzy and vomit because the pain was so bad. What
usually took one hour to get home took me three hours this time. I
called the ER and they told me to get in right away.
I was there for about 4 hours when they told me " Mr. Ostrand, you have
a tumor that needs to be removed". I asked what kind of tumor? What are
you saying? What does that mean? The doctor told me that my right
testicle was a solid tumor and he was 99.9% sure that it was cancer. It
was now about 1:00a.m. and my mind was too numb to feel anything all I
knew was that I needed to get the Easter eggs out for the kids in the
morning and go to the hospital after that. Once I laid the eggs out for
the kids I went to my favorite place to go think by myself. My favorite
place is a gravel bar on the river that Ashley and I would go to and
skip rocks. The sun was just about to come up and I had a couple of
hours to clear my mind and get right with God and myself. It wasn't
until later that I remembered what my thoughts were and what it would
bring me later.
Early on Easter morning I received a phone call from Dr. Miller.
He was the doctor on call for the holiday. God must have heard my
prayers because Dr. Miller is a specialist in the type of cancer I had
and he went to the best school to study testicular cancer. I believe
that he is one of the top rated surgeons for this type of illness in
the country. He answered some questions for me and set up a time to
meet. By 9:00am I was in a hospital robe and getting ready for surgery.
I don't remember much about that day but I do know that I was scared. I
cried and I wanted that damn tumor out of me so I could get better.
The surgery went fine and everyone was very nice to me. I asked, "So,
what do I do now? Am I ok?" Dr. Miller explained to me that the tumor
was just as the ER doctor told me. It was a solid mass, solid like a
rock. He then told me that it would take a few days to perform a biopsy
to find out what kind of cancer it was then we could come up with a
plan for recovery.
This was probably the hardest five days of my life. I felt very
powerless and scared of the unknown. I did a lot of reading about
testicular cancer to find my own answers. I thought about the future of
my family and how I explain this to other people. It is amazing how
your mind will just run with thoughts. I laid on the couch wondering
how the mortgage would get paid or what kind of man my wife would
choose to live out her life with after I was gone. What kind of life my
daughters would have and how long would I live. In a different kind of
way, I believe I might have died during those days and came back a
different man.
When the results came in I met with Dr. Miller and he made me feel
better. I found out that my survival rate looked great if I went
through treatment. He told me that this type of cancer had the highest
survival rate and I should feel lucky because the cancer had been in my
body for quite awhile. Then I was referred to Dr. Hartman for radiation
treatment. When I first met with him it was clear that he had a
positive outlook and gave me a couple different ideas before I chose my
treatment. He believed in having his patients know all the options and
understand clearly the procedure before jumping in. I have great
respect for the way he handled me so I decided for radiation treatment
through his office. Every day for six weeks I got up at 4:00am for
pre-medication and was at the doctor's office by 8:00 for my treatment.
In the beginning of my treatment I started to notice the people in the
lounge at the treatment center. They were waiting for their treatment
just as I was but there was something different about these people. It
was like the room was divided into two groups but I was sitting right
in the middle. Being the "new guy", I just watched for a couple of days
and observed the two groups and I found something that changed the way
I thought. Some of these people were here to win and some were here to
lose and I was in the middle just watching.
The people on my left were interesting and full of life while the
people on my right were dull and just stared at the floor. I kept
asking myself why is the room so divided? What makes these two groups
different? The people on my left would talk about vacations they were
going to take or the new car they wanted, while the people on my right
complained that the magazines were outdated and just wanted to go home
a take a nap. I felt a lot of pressure to join one of these groups but
I wasn't ready to choose yet. I just wanted to sit in the middle where
I was and watch for now.
About 10 days into treatment I started to get sick from the treatment.
I would throw up from 9:00 until noon. It was important to me that my
cancer be kept private and now I had to explain to others at work why I
was so sick all the time. This really made me angry because I wanted to
keep this private and I didn't want the cure to be as bad as the
illness.
The next day I went to the same lounge and watched the same people and
made my choice not to pick a group to belong to but rather go straight
up the middle. I figured the people on my left would always talk about
what they want forever and the people on my left would probably just
die soon. I went to the doctor and said, "This is enough of this s..t
and I want to start feeling better not worse! I am not a man that you
can play doctor games with! I want results today!"
After that day, I never even noticed the people in the lounge anymore.
Instead I met a few new people that I never saw before. They were the
ones that did the same thing I decided to do. They were ready for a
fight and very focused on the result. I met a woman who was going
through cancer for the 8th time and had the best outlook for the day.
She had a much different view of life and felt blessed just to have the
day to fight for. I don't remember her name but she really made my day
and helped me a lot. If I could see her today I would thank her for the
life I have now.
As the weeks went on I started to change my thoughts and ideas. I
couldn't stop thinking of all the people in the lounge and wondering if
I was on the right track. I felt alone and second-guessing my choices
and myself so I went back to the river to think. I was there for a long
time and started to think about the last time I was here and why. I
remembered that my thoughts at that time were by instinct and not made
up. I thought about getting the Easter eggs out for the girls and
getting right with God and myself. I remembered how scared I was but
just wanted strength to handle what was coming down the road for me and
everyone around me. I left the river that day confused because what I
thought was most important may not really be that way. Maybe I have
been on the wrong track all along. Maybe I am on the right track now
and just didn't know it yet.
At this time I was on my way to accomplish my goal of owning a car
dealership. The banks were backing me and offers started coming in. I
was doing well in my career and the spotlight was on me. Everything was
coming together. The county approved the plans for our new home, the
bank approved the loan for a dealership and sales were at a record
high. But I couldn't stop thinking about whether I was on the right
track or not so I went back to the river. This time at the river I
tried to remember why my goals were so important. The only answer I
could give myself was about the house. My motive for the new home was
to provide a safer place for my kids to grow up. It has much more to
offer. There is room to run and lots of nature to help grow their
minds. I was there for about two hours and that was all I could come up
with.
Before the cancer, my wife and I were growing apart and the cancer news
just seemed to widen the gap. I think that is why she never knew how
scared I was or what to really say. I am sure that is why she never
knew much about me. Our lives were going in different directions. I
don't think she understood where I wanted to go and I know I never
understood her plans either. In December of 2000, I told her that I was
going to leave her and I wanted a divorce.
After Christmas, she took the girls to Colorado to visit relatives. I
thought this was a good idea because we both needed a break from each
other to think. After a few days I moved some things into a storage
unit. It was important to me that I take only things I needed because I
didn't want her or the girls to do without. I really believed that the
two of us were on different tracks and holding each other back from
what we really wanted and I needed to leave.
I rented a room at a hotel for a bed to sleep in and a place to hang my
clothes. My new home was just getting started and would take about
three months to complete. I didn't need much because I was working
10-16 hours per day and that was my life at the time. I was close to
buying a dealership and that is where my focus was as the time. The
room cost me $22.00 per day and it was the worst hotel I have ever
seen! It was the kind of place where you want to bring your own sheets.
Even the swimming pool was drained so the hotel manager had a place to
keep his dogs. Even though I didn't know it at the time, staying at
that hotel was the best thing that could have happened to me. What
happened in that hotel room over the next 3 months was incredible and
will last a lifetime.
On my days off from work the girls would stay with me. At first it was
fun and quite the adventure but soon we had a problem. Once the
adventure and fun wore out, the three of us had to get along with each
other and all live and sleep in one room and one bed. It was winter now
and outdoor activities were not an option so we had to find ways not to
drive each other crazy. Ashley would practice gymnastics in the hallway
and Lindsey would watch the room door so it wouldn't close and lock her
out. It only took about a week before the hotel manager said no more to
that. Then the girls thought the room was ugly and needed decorating.
We went to the store to get craft supplies and spent the next couple of
weeks making pictures and hanging them on the wall. The room did look
better when it was done and very personalized too. The maids couldn't
speak English at this hotel but I'm sure if they could they would have
called us nuts.
There were many challenges staying in that room. The biggest challenge
was learning how to work with each other. As I mentioned before I was
working a lot of hours and was very tired most of the time. My patience
was limited and sometimes I was hard to get along with. We did puzzles,
played games and went to movies together. Everything we did we did
together. The three of us even made up our own songs and sang together
like idiots. Frequently, we would go out to see how the new house was
going. The girls would run around the foundation trying to figure out
where all the rooms would be after the house was built. I had a budget
for the their bedrooms of $400.00 each. I know it wasn't much but at
the time that was all I had. We spent lots of time looking through
catalogs and picking themes and colors. I was very proud of Ashley
because after a few weeks of looking she put together a beautiful
bedroom of her choice. Also, she was a great help to Lindsey with her
choices. In the end they got to choose rooms that were designed by them
for them and it also gave them a great sense of belonging. They did a
great job.
Learning to work together had its tough times too. The most noticeable
times were in the morning and at nighttime. At night it was a struggle
to choose a TV station. Ashley would want Brady Bunch, Lindsey would
want cartoons and I would like to catch up on the news. After all the
TV issues were over and it was time for bed a whole different problem
came up. We all had to sleep in this bed together! Ashley would sleep
spread eagle and Lindsey would like to sleep on me. This never made for
a quiet night because there were three of us in a queen size bed. That
meant 6 arms, 6 legs and 3 heads all trying to sleep on something about
5 feet wide. In the morning, the girls and I would go to the gas
station next door and have breakfast and plan the day ahead. Both of
the girls were always tired from the night before and it was hard for
them to do their best everyday. To my surprise, Ashley's report card
came back great.
It was hard for me living in that hotel room. I did not tell anyone
about our living conditions because I was ashamed and I knew it was not
a proper way to raise children. However, looking back now, we became
closer than I ever thought was possible and that is a great thing. I
can look back now and say to myself that I did the best I could and
everything turned out ok. I also know that Lindsey and Ashley grew
closer together in those three months than they could have in several
years. We did it together, with not much money or things and we did it
successfully. Those three months were very difficult for me but in the
end when we left that room, we were very close and ready for our next
step.
If my daughters don't remember what happened in that room for those
three months I want them to know that I watched them become close and
learn to respect each other. The walls of that room were pushed out
with love and caring for each other. I walked out of that hotel room
the proudest father because of how Ashley and Lindsey grew so much in a
short time.
The house was finally finished! It took a couple of extra weeks to
finish because an earthquake but now we could finally move in. The move
took about three hours because all we had was 3 mattresses', a futon
and TV and a van of belongings. We were starting from zero. I didn't
even think about our first night but there was a big problem to
overcome. The girls were used to sleeping in one bed and didn't want to
sleep by themselves. They were very proud of their bedrooms but not
comfortable sleeping in their own bed yet. Ashley adjusted after a
couple of days but Lindsey just couldn't get used to it and wasn't
sleeping well. We came up with a dream to work on and it goes like
this; Lindsey, try to dream about unicorns. Pretend they are jumping
over the rainbow and popping clouds with their horn. She did like the
idea and it worked well. We had other issues come up but one at a time
we worked through it together.
After I moved to the new home my soon ex-wife and I decided to give our
marriage another try. I called her one night and asked for a friend, it
was something I needed at the time. She was the greatest friend to me
when she really didn't have any reason. That next day is when we gave
it another shot and she stayed here, in my new home, for a couple of
days. It had been months since we had really talked and I had a lot on
my mind that I wanted to share with her. I was very frustrated with her
because her main topic was where the furniture would go. I never got to
share what was on my mind and I don't think she ever knew it was
important to me. What she didn't realize was, even though the girls
love their mother, this home belonged to us and she was the outsider at
this point. Ashley, Lindsey and I created this over several months in
preparation of it being just the three of us. It was to bad that things
only lasted for a couple of days because it just made the hurt worse
for everyone and I am very sorry for that.
In April of 2001 I filed for divorce. I knew at this point that we
would not patch things up. However, there is a three month "cooling off
period" before a divorce can be finalized. I guess I hoped that somehow
things could get fixed and put back in order. I had a hard time filing
for the divorce because I have always been the guy who can beat the
odds. So, I went back to the river to gather my thoughts. I wasn't
there long and made some choices to start a new path.
I quit my job and went to work at a smaller dealership that would allow
me more time for building a new life. It was becoming clear that Ashley
and Lindsey were spending more and more time with me and I needed to
find a way to be there more for them. My new job allowed me to be home
at a reasonable time and have extra days off without taking much of a
pay cut.
The summer of 2001 was very hard for the three of us. We were in a new
house with only one neighbor. Nasty rumors about were running so bad
that Ashley's friends were not allowed to come here and play. It was
pretty sad that the kids had to suffer that way; it made for a long
summer. On the reverse side, it was kind of like being in that hotel
room again. We counted on each other and made the best of it. Since we
didn't have anything but an empty house, we had to create something new
everyday.
In September I lost my job. I had spent too much time caring for the
girls and not enough time caring for my job. I knew it would be coming
and I also knew I couldn't have that pattern go on so I hired someone
to help me. There was a girl that worked in the office that I had known
for about three years. She was very bright and energetic. Her goal was
to get a new job, find a roommate and go back to college. It was a
perfect fit. I cleared out my office at home and made it into a bedroom
and she stayed with us and helped me care for Ashley and Lindsey. She
was the perfect fit for us. I didn't really know much about ponytails
and jewelry and she really made my girls feel like girls. She was
a great addition to our home and made things much more balanced for all
of us. Later, in December, she fell in love with a boy and left us
because she was going to Alaska with him.
So, back to the drawing board. I ran an ad in the newspaper looking for
a nanny/babysitter in hopes to find someone to replace our sitter. I
was overrun with phone calls and spent two days in restaurants
interviewing different people. I was getting very frustrated because I
couldn't find anyone to fill her shoes. Then, on the last interview I
met a girl with similar goals as the previous sitter. This time I
brought the girls with me and we all hit it off! I couldn't believe it
after 35 phone calls and 18 interviews the last one was our choice.
Now here comes December! What a crazy and life-changing month for me.
Our old sitter left us, the new one was coming in and my divorce was
still not final yet. A couple of days before Christmas the girls were
worried that the babysitter forgot about Santa coming and she would be
late for Christmas. They still hadn't accepted her leaving and I had to
explain that she really wasn't coming back and she would have said
good-bye but she had to hurry to catch the plane. It finally sank in
and the hearts of these girls were broken.
It is Christmas Eve now and the girls are finally asleep and I have all
the gifts out from Santa and it all looks great except one thing. I
forgot to get a camera to take pictures of our first Christmas together
and it was too late to do anything about it now. I felt like a horses
ass and couldn't believe I would forget something like that. At 4:30am
I woke up and the house was freezing cold. The furnace broke and there
was no heat! All I could think about was "this is a train wreck waiting
to happen". I put extra blankets on the kids and went and sat next to
the fireplace. I saw a gift under the tree from a friend and went to
open it. To my surprise it was a video camera! Things began to change
all the sudden, I now have a camera and with the fireplace on, the
house was warming up to 55 degrees. Maybe it will be ok after all.
At 7:00 Ashley woke up and came out into the living room to see want
Santa brought and then ran to wake up Lindsey. They both came
running and didn't even notice that the house was cold enough to see
your breath. The second Lindsey saw her gift from Santa she started to
cry and said "but daddy I've been good all year". Lindsey wanted a tent
to play in. What happened was that she had her heart set on a princess
tent and her mother told me she asked Santa for the Barbie tent.
Lindsey was heart broken and cried for 30 minutes. She got over it when
she was distracted by the other gifts but still a very sad thing to
watch a four-year-old girl go through. Ashley was great at seeing that
her sister's feeling were hurt and helped her feel better. I really
hope Ashley's heart doesn't change that way.
The day after Christmas is when I had answers for many questions that I
had in my head all year long. It was the day that many things became
clear for me. After breakfast we were getting ready to go outside and
Lindsey came up to me and asked "dad, will you be my mommy?" It got
real quiet and Lindsey just stood there and looked at me. I looked over
at Ashley and she just stared at me too. That question really stood me
back on my heels and I said, "I will do the best I can but you do have
a mommy ya know". That is when I started being called mom-dad. I did
call their mother that day and told her what had happened but she
explained to me that she would be back in a few days to see the girls.
Christmas was the last night that Lindsey took her mothers picture to
bed with her.
.
I remembered the time I spent at the river. I was worried that I was on
the wrong track when in fact it wasn't the direction I was going it was
my priorities. The night of the ER visit, all I could think about were
Easter eggs for the kids and getting right with God. Those were my true
priorities then, and I live that way now. I was worried about what kind
of man my wife would choose to live her life with and be a roll model
for the girls. Looking at the choices she has made, it is clear now
that maybe when Lindsey asked me to be her mom it is a real issue that
I need to take serious.
Finally, my daughters are stronger and closer today with each other
than most parents could ever understand. They will be great as young
children and grow to be the best adults. It is now my job to lead them
as both the best I can.
I feel very blessed that my thoughts and prayers were listened to over
the past couple of years. Maybe the reason why the cancer didn't get me
is because my job isn't done here yet. I have two beautiful daughters
to raise and my original fears back in March of 2000 were justified. My
life is on the right track I just needed to understand my new
priorities.
There are a lot of people that I need to be thankful to during that
time. The major support for me was my parents. They were great. It
didn't matter how bad things got they were always there if I needed
them. Never did they take sides or pass judgment. I love and respect
them very much and never realized how strong a family could pull
together when life got tough.
If you are new to "single fatherhood" I can only offer advise from the
things I have learned in my life. But I can say, even if people want to
throw rocks at you, do what you feel is right for your kids first. As
time goes by they will learn how to be adults from watching you. Ask
yourself, are you ok with your kids doing or acting the way you do?
There is a good chance your children will follow your footsteps. Are
you ok with that? Be proud and confident of your choices and go forward
with everything you have. Also, be patient and keep your promises. When
things don't go right, be the bigger person and lead the best you can!
If you have been a single father for a while, please share your stories
and ideas. Your insight and experience might help someone that really
needs it. Overall it helps everyone.
Remember, our small but increasing group of "single dads" may not be
well understood yet but someday we will. In some ways we are pioneers
in a new way of life. Because of this, it is our responsibility to pave
the road for the others behind us. I believe it is important that the
world sees our group as something to value, understand and accept.
Please be strong and soft in good balance with your children. They are
counting on us and they need to succeed too.
---
David Ostrand lives in Olympia, WA. He is a single father with two wonderful daughters, ages 6 and 8.
After a failed marriage of ten years and a bout with cancer, David has
completely changed his outlook on life and views his priorities in a
different light. His commitment to being a father is very clear and it
shows daily. He enjoys writing for Fatherville and understands the
challenges that the "Single Father" must face today. He truly feels
blessed to have the life he has and pushes forward everyday with
enthusiasm.
"Fathers can bring home more than just a pay check. We can bring home
love, respect and leadership required to build a solid foundation for
our kids. Today, we have that opportunity a I believe we should do
everything possible to share the gift of fatherhood with our children".
David can be reached via email at: dostrand_at_msn_dot_com
|
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
LATEST ARTICLES ON FATHERVILLE |
|
|
|
MOST RECENT FORUM POSTINGS |
|
|
|
MOST READ ARTICLES ON FATHERVILLE |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
