So what are some of the techniques for getting along with your difficult ex?
One of the basic premises of conflict management is stepping away from
an argument. (We hate it when somebody points this out to us, but it
really does take two to make an argument.) Defusing an angry verbal
assault will help you reduce your own stress level appreciably.
When your spouse or ex begins ranting about your shortcomings as well
as those of your children, his or her boss, your mother, the bank, car
mechanic, or the world in general, you instinctively feel defensive.
You want to set the record straight, and your adrenaline surge makes
you want to fight. The result is a pointless shouting match which only
ratchets up the mutual level of anger.
Instead try this technique: look him or her in the eye and listen, but
don't react. Acknowledge what is being said (or shouted) with replies
like:
"I can hear you're angry." or "I can see you're upset." This
acknowledges their right to an opinion, and says that you're listening
rather than tuning out. It doesn't indicate agreement or disagreement.
A slight variation that accomplishes the same purpose is called mirroring in which you simply reflect back what they've said:
"You're saying you feel frustrated with the visitation schedule." or "You feel I don't keep you up to date on the kids."
With either of these approaches, it's important to avoid loaded
language. Resist the temptation to use sarcasm or supposedly innocent
emotional jabs. Also avoid using the words "ever" and "never." They can
be even more infuriating than shouting and your objective is to
de-escalate the heat of the exchange.
Notice, you're not saying you agree or disagree. All you're doing is
acknowledging that you hear what the other person is saying. These
techniques will let you accomplish two things:
1. When you refuse to get into an argument,
therapists say you're not picking up the rope (as you would in a tug of
war). By the same token, if you stop arguing back, they say you've let
go of the rope. Either way the argument can't escalate if you can stay
relatively calm and firm.
2. The other thing is that some people just love to
fish you in and push your hot buttons until they can get you to say
something dumb. Then they light into you for that. If you remain
neutral, you won't give them any ammunition.
After such an encounter, you may need to go for a long walk, work out
at the gym, or gripe to a friend to relieve the stress. But you'll feel
far more rational and in control than if you'd joined in the yelling
match!
Article via http://www.divorcetransitions.com
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