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Written by Derek Meche
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When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for two parties
to separate, conflict will arise. The resolution of this conflict
is of the utmost importance to the well being of the family and the
nation.
Ok, John Hancock I am not; but I am trying to make a point. This
is a column about divorce fathers. That definition means that
there was a legally binding contract between two parties that was
dissolved. Unlike a business partnership or any other breakup, it
means there is an inseparable link between these two people. That
link is the child. Through the miracle of creation, two have made
one, and through the folly of mankind, a division has come between them.
The last I heard, only once in human history did a woman conceive a
child without a human father. His father was God, and he went on
to save the world. We must realize that father's play an important role
in the lives of their children. I have heard of a judge who said
once when deciding custody for the mother, "I have never seen a baby
cow follow the bull." True, but human beings are not
cattle! It is this kind of thinking that has us in the state we
are in today.
I know, we are suppose to be talking about conflict resolution. I
felt it important to provide some background as to how we got
here. What you need to keep in mind is that the most important
matter here is the welfare of the child. Trust me I have done
some foolish things because of my pride. I have just not wanted
to give in to my ex-wife just to show her I was strong. I have
come to the point where I am happy in my life and don't need to show
her up. Before you take a stand on any issue that you wish to
confront the other spouse about, you must ask yourself the following
questions.
First, how important is the issue that we have a disagreement
about? Being a divorced father, and more than likely having your
role in decision making diminished by the court and the ex, you must
pick your battles. You can't win every argument, and you must
decide what is important enough to push for. These are personal
choices, but I try to figure out just how important or trivial a matter
is.
Second, you have to realize what power you do have. Is the
decision you make one that you can defend and enforce? Will it
just cause pain in the end, and will you loose if challenged on
it. These are very difficult to decide, and often require much
thought. It does no good for the spur of the moment conflicts
that arise. I call them the "gotcha" moments. There are
times that may arise when the ex will say something that may catch you
off guard. It may or may not be intentional, but it comes as a
surprise. You have to develop a method of control and logic for
these moments, or they could turn ugly. Whenever you face a
"gotcha" moment, step back and look for the children, if they are
around, delay the conversation. It not, just ask for a full
explanation and say, "I'll have to get back to you on that."
Avoid rush decisions if you are the least bit unsure. Also make
perfectly clear what you response is. If necessary, send your
response in a letter. The less misunderstanding there is the better.
I'll leave you with a true story that explains these concepts.
The names have been changed, but this couple has their act
together. I hope that this example helps.
Ted and Betty have a son named Tim who plays on Zac's soccer
team. Betty would arrive at the game and sit with the mothers,
and Ted would go with the other guys by the coach's bench. Some
of the dads would sit in the bleachers with the mothers, but these
where usually the doctors and lawyers of the group. After the
game, they would talk, and Tim would get in one of their cars and
leave. Towards the end of the season, a couple asked Betty for
her and Ted to go eat out with them. Betty then informed the
mothers that they where divorced. Everyone was shocked!
They got along so well, and never fussed. We never noticed that
they always arrived in two vehicles. We just thought it was due
to their work schedules. I noticed once, after one game, that the
two of them where discussing in a low voice whose turn it was to bring
Tim to the doctor. The conversation started to get heated in a
low tone back and forth, when Tim came running up. Ted tapped
Betty on the leg, she noticed their son, and they both stopped
immediately. After Tim left, Betty then said, "We'll talk
later." They went out of their way to make sure that they did not
upset him. Tim seamed to love them both. Later I found out
that Ted does not pay child support. He puts his court ordered
amount into a savings account for Tim's college, and buys all of his
clothes. He also has him almost every weekend.
I hope that one day we can all learn from their example and make the tragedy that is divorce less painful for our children.
Sincerely,
Derek Meche
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