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I’m a Good Single Dad...I Think. |
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I am a single Dad. Although it is challenging I am glad to be one. My
little girl, Sage, is two and a half yrs old. Her mom and I split up
when she was just ten months old. But, I lived at the house for 4
months after her mom and I split up, (I had a home based business).
Because we were able to get along reasonably well, I'm pretty sure Sage
did not notice any change until I actually moved out of the house. Her
mom and I have agreed to split her time with each of us, 50% evenly...
without going to court, (yeah, big relief). And although I've
been a single Dad for about 1-½ years, I am just starting to be
confident enough to be able to say, " I am a good Dad". It's still kind
of weird for me to say that, but I am doing it. It certainly is easier
because Sage is an amazingly great kid, knee scrapes and all.
I imagine like with most first time parents, I wasn't sure if I would
be a good dad. Live up to my own standards so to speak. And, I've set
some pretty tough standards to meet. Then, as I slowly realized, " I am
going to raise this kid on my own". I really questioned myself. Just to
bring everything together, I'm a first time parent. I have self-imposed
high standards. And now, I'm a single Dad... Man, this is going to be
hard. I was really nervous at first. Looking back, I remember second
guessing many of the decisions I was making with Sage.
I was concerned when I finally got my own place because it was so small
I didn't have a big enough room to have a crib for Sage. I had a
fold-up playpen that she slept in beside my fold-up futon bed. I was
concerned about her not having enough room to play. But with
that, I have to selfishly admit, there were benefits to being so close
to together. I liked being able to watch her while she slept. And the
sound of her breathing helped me fall asleep.
I took her out for walks almost everyday. We lived really close to
Springbank Park, one of the best parks here in London. While she was
growing, I was growing. We spent a lot of time there growing up
together. It's been fun watching her run in the grass, play with bugs,
and continue her endless search for the perfect stick to carry
around. And as I watch her grow into a person. I am surprised and
proud, to see that my little girl is growing up, and I can see a little
bit of myself in her. I know because of the time I have been
spending with her she will take small parts of me with her wherever she
goes. As I write this, this is the point when I first start to realize
that I am making an impact on her and it is a positive impact. In
retrospect, is seems that the self-imposed high standards I mentioned
are paying off and that they seem more do-able everyday. And that makes
me happy. So I'm feeling a little less stressed about trying to be a
good dad.
Sage has always loved music. As soon as music starts she grabs me to
dance with her, which I'm always happy to do. She jumps up and down
with excitement at the first note of the Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs song, "Hi Ho". But, what is equally exciting for her is Tom
Petty singing, "I Won't Back Down". Which is pretty cool because this
song has become my own personal anthem for the struggles I face as a
single dad. I'm not giving in. I'm doing what I can to ensure Sage has
the best possible upbringing I can give her. And now looking back over
the last 1-½ yrs, I can see that we are getting by pretty well. She is
happy that I let her watch Shrek while I take a shower. She is happy to
look at the chipmunks scurrying around in Springbank Park. She is happy
that I reach back to her in her car seat and hold her hand while we are
driving home from day care. She is happy to share her pretzels or
grapes with me. And she is happy to help me do the laundry.... Of course
I'm happy to have her company for all of these things. Just like I had
hoped, as I became a first time parent. Not to paint to rosy a picture,
because she has no problem letting me know when she is upset with me.
Like when I try and put her to bed without reading a book. Or when I
won't lay in her bed till she falls asleep. Or when I try and help her
fasten the buttons on her pyjamas. Or when I tell her she cannot wear
the same dress she wore yesterday, even if it does make her look like a
princess. Just like I expected as I became a first time parent.
So, my high standards are being met. Continually challenged, but,
that's the point of having high standards. I'm happy that I've been
able to meet the challenges, up to this point in our lives. As far as
being a first time parent goes, I'm rolling with the punches. And each
punch I roll with gives me more confidence to know I'll be able to be a
parent, a good parent, as Sage grows and experiences new things. My
last point, and most important one, is how things are going for this
single dad. I could simplify things and say, if I'm able to do okay as
a single parent and have continued to meet the high standard then I
must be doing okay. That's not the case.
The nuclear family like, "Leave it to Beaver" hasn't been a
reality for me, ever. I wasn't raised in one. Sage's mom was not raised
in one. No one in my family has one. It is just not an example that I
can relate to in real life. I have learned to know better than to
aspire to this for me. I want it for Sage. And, when she
becomes a mom, I want it for her: to be able to have a traditional
nuclear family. Sage is with her mom 50% of the time. What she does and
experiences when she is with her mom is out of my control. It is a
concern, but the only thing I can do is offering my opinion. That has
been the hardest thing to let go.
The flip side to that is Sage is with me 50% of the time. I take this
very seriously, because I know there are plenty single dad's who don't
have access to their kids as much as I do. I'm one of the lucky ones.
My goal is to have Sage say the same thing when she is an adult. That
she was lucky to be with me as much as she was while growing up. The
hard part is going to be trying to teach her not to be a single mom. I
truly hope she won't be. I want more than that for her. But, as I
write this, I know that is a distinct possibility, and that makes my
heart sink a notch or two. Maybe, just maybe, I'll come across someone
worthy of getting involved with. I have to be extremely picky, because
this will not only affect me, but Sage as well. And if I choose to try
and blend Sage and I into another family, it will have an influence on
how she grows up. Which will play a big role in her potential to have a
loving family of her own some day.
After putting everything together, I have come to realize that I have a
very important role in my daughter's life. And now I've come to a few
conclusions that give me the confidence to say. Not only am I a
good dad, I am a good Single Dad. And I take the responsibility
seriously. It is the foundation of every decision that I
make. And realizing that my life has become so Sage-centric has
given me the confidence to say that, and I say it proudly. But
surprisingly, being a single dad is not as hard as I thought it was
going to be. Sage is growing up way too fast. And no matter what dress
she wears, she'll always be my little princess.
Shawn Reeder, a.k.a. Sage's DAD is 36yrs old. He lives in London, ON, Canada. He is a Massage
Therapist, Endurance Coach, and semi retired pro triathlete. His web
site is www.XLyourbodymind.com
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