Keeping A Child Away From The Other Parent Can Backfire
Marriages can fail for many reasons. When they do, people can be seen
on a spectrum from minimal conflict to high conflict as they sort out
the task of untangling their lives to resume independent living. Where
children are involved, living can only ever be semi-independent as the
needs of the children will forever keep the couple united. As the level
of conflict and animosity increases between the parents the thought of
being tied through the children is too much for some people to bear. As
such, some parents will seek to exclude or diminish the role of the
other parent in the lives of the children. This meets the dual
objective of greater freedom from the other parent and punishing the
other parent for perceived injustices.
In excluding or diminishing the role of the other parent several
strategies can be deployed. These include; undermining access by being
away or planning alternate events for the children; refusing access
altogether for frivolous reasons; telling the child hurtful things
about the other parent; planting suggestions to the child that the
other parent may hurt them; making allegations that the other parent is
incompetent or even harmful, in the absence of real evidence.
Parents who use such strategies actually increase the degree of
parental conflict and increase the likelihood of Court action as the
parent whose relationship with the child has been limited, turns to the
Court to seek a remedy. At times and ironically, the parent who is
attempting to undermine the other parent's relationship tries to use
the Court action as evidence that that parent is spiteful and malicious.
In such actions, the children always lose and eventually so too does the vengeful parent.
While the vengeful parent may think their child can suffice with them
alone, the social science research is clear that children develop best
and enjoy a healthier psycho-socio outcome as adults when they have
secure relationships to both parents. Children who are taught to cut
themselves off from a parent are at greater risk of using similar
strategies for managing their own adult intimate relationships and thus
are at risk of greater failed adult relationships too.
Further, most children, either through Court action or when as
teenagers they seek out the alternate parent, do get to know the
avenged parent. When their experience of the avenged parent conflicts
with what they were told about them, in other words, when a parent who
was supposedly bad, turns out to be good, the children then turn on the
parent who had originally undermined the relationship. Children who
eventually establish relationships with parents they were kept from
without good cause, feel resentful for having been misled. They come to
reject the parent who sought to keep the children for themselves.
As adults, these children forgo the relationship with parent who raised
them in favour of the parent who was kept away. As the vengeful parent
plans for the demise of the other parent's relationship in the short
term, in the long term these parents not only hurt their children, but
also themselves. They come to lose their children when they get older.
Parents are advised to understand that it is every child's birthright
to have reasonable relationship with both parents, assuming freedom
from harm and appropriate care and supervision. Any parent who seeks to
disrupt a child's relationship with the other parents may ultimately
hurt the child and undermine their own chances for a life-long
relationship.
The issues is not withholding a child from a parent, but structuring
the situation to provide for children's safety and well-being. If there
is truly an issue with a parent's behaviour, demand they seek help to
address the problem yet facilitate access through a place of safety. If
the issues with the other parent have more to do with one's own upset
or anger, then seek counseling to manage feelings in view of the
child's needs to have reasonable relationships with both parents.
Certainly don't act in a manner that ultimately hurts your child and
places your relationship at risk when your child grows up and learns
the truth. It would be a shame for all involved for that to happen.
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker and a parent too. The courts in
Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a
critique on a Section 112 (social work) report. Gary's website can be
found at: http://www.yoursocialworker.com. Gary can be contacted at: .
