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Written by Derek Meche
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I would imagine the most difficult relationship to maintain would be a
long distance one. I tried a relationship like this with my
ex-wife, and it no doubt contributed to the problems that we
faced. Maintaining these relationships requires innovation and
determination. When children are involved, it is a real
challenge.
I am lucky that my son only lives 12 miles north of me. Sometime
things get so difficult that it feels like he is 1,000 miles
away. Our work, and the schedule that his mother has with him,
sometimes cut into our time together. This is where the fine art
of negotiation comes in. I usually try to make her think that she
is getting the moon and the stars, and it helps.
When you are faced with the fact that your children are a long distance
from you, it can be hard. Most states will prevent parents from
moving far away from each other. This is not always the case of
course. When the move does occur, it is very important that the
children know that you intend to keep in touch. The way you do
this would depend on the age of the children. Here are a few
examples that I have to make this easier.
If you have really small children, you may wish to call a lot.
Yes this runs up the long distance bill, but they are worth it.
Letters are really nice. They may have to be read to them by the
other spouse, so watch your content. You can follow up each few
letters with a phone call asking about the content of a previous
letter. This way you know they are being received and passed
along to the children. Letters can be a good way to show respect
for the ex-spouse if you know they are reading the letters. Lines
like "Be good for mommy, we both love you very much;" can help to
bridge a gap that may have formed. Make sure that you do not put
anything in writing that you would not want the other party to
read. Remember that you are sending these letters to their house.
If your children are a little older, email is a wonderful tool.
It can be a good learning tool for them to practice their writing and
file sending skills. Ask them to send you pictures.
Children like most people like to talk about themselves. You must
be interested in everything they do. My stepson sends cartoon
drawings to his father. He goes to the Internet and downloads the
ones he likes. He is a big fan of the Japanese cartoons on the
Cartoon Network. I just have to tell him he can not draw on the
envelope and staple things to the outside of it. The
responses are few, but meaningful when the do come. Offering positive
feedback is a good way to stay a parent. Let your children know
that they can trust you and they will confide in you. Try putting
up the letters or drawings on the icebox, or at work. Take a
picture of them, with you beside it smiling, and send it to t!
hem. This way they will know that you received it, and like
it. Acceptance is a very big part of children's lives.
One other idea is to make a "Daddy Box." Christmas is not the
only time you can send presents. Try sending packages with
colors, pens, paper, coloring books, stamps and envelopes. This
way any argument that the ex-spouse can not afford letters is
quelled. Make sure you tell them that are for writing to
daddy. Even a picture from a small child is helpful. If
your children are a little older, try sending magazines, CDs, or other
items they may like. You have to balance this in that you do not
want to become just an anonymous benefactor. You can not be Santa
Clause to everything they want. Use your judgement as if you
where there.
These are just a few ideas of how you can stay in touch. If you
are so far apart that you have to fly the children to meet you, offer
to split the price of the air fair with the ex-spouse. You may
have to fly there to meet them if they are young. Also, try
flying in an out of a major airport. This way the children do not
have to change planes. Yes it may require more driving, but that
way they are safe. The more time you can spend with them the
better. The more contact you maintain the better. Do not
loose touch with your children over distance. You will regret it
if you do.
Derek Meche is President of Louisiana Dads.
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