Nurturing the Child of Divorce—A Father’s Perspective
According to Christina McGhee, author of Divorce and children dot com,
"Divorce does not doom children to years of emotional problems or
lifelong dysfunction. Exposure to constant parental conflict and
unhealthy family situations, however, can."
I have been divorced now for 5 months. I would not say that my ex
and I are great friends because that would be a bold-faced lie.
But we do get along. Sort of. At least we do not argue any
longer. And there is one thing that we do agree upon; we both
want the best for our son Max.
I want to share my experiences and advice with other fathers that are
in the same situation. Max's mother and I are on speaking
terms. Thankfully, it is all about our son. We both want to spend
as much time with our son as possible. She and I have both moved
to the same town in which we work and the distance between us is
approximately five miles. My former wife and I have agreed to
have joint physical and legal custody, in which each of us would spend
an equal amount of time with Max. (Mom has him on Mondays and
Tuesdays, Dad has him on Thursdays and Fridays. We rotate
opposite weekends and Wednesdays.) This totals seven days each
out of fourteen. The schedule seems to be working, but anytime
without your child is difficult for each parent, but this is the way it
has to be. When Max gets older, things will definitely change.
Now, Max has two homes, two bedrooms, two beds, two sets of clothes,
two winter jackets, two sets of toys, two potties, and two of just
about everything that he needs, without spoiling him. He has his
favorites in each household. Max knows that each is his home. I
do not think that we try to out do each other. So far Max is the
only grandchild, on both sides, so spoiling him has already been
accomplished by the grandparents. We try to give him a strong
feeling of security and love, while maintaining effective discipline.
I recommend maintaining a structure in each home. Max does not
like being put in "Time-out", so we use that at a deterrent for bad
behavior. It seems to work. Children seem to be better off
to following the same schedule. It is less confusing. From things that
I read, most children appreciate a structured environment. Max
naps any time between 12:00 and 3:00 pm. Without it, at the
moment, he is hell on wheels. Max has a bath almost each night
around 7:45 pm and he goes to bed around 8:30. Max's mom and I
read to him before bed. His routine has not been
interrupted. We have also used our changing schedule to teach our
son the days of the week. He knows that he will see us at
different times during the week. We both tell him that we will
see him on a specific day. Since my former wife and I both work,
Max does go to daycare on the weekdays. Daycare has helped to
foster a very structured and stable transition. When I have Max,
we do things that we would normally do if his mother and I were
together. His exposure to extended family and friends has not
been hindered. Both of Max's parents have made sure that his
development has not been interrupted.
In looking at various resources, such as web sites like the Divorced
Fathers Network and About dot com, I realize that my ex-wife and I have
actually done many of the things that these sources recommend, such as,
o Consistent discipline
o Create a feeling of belonging at each home
o Act as a parent
o Provide structure
o Encouragement
o Show love
o Always be there for support
o Don't degrade the other parent
I don't think either of us did any research. I know myself; I just
acted like a father—a man that provides love, structure, discipline and
understanding to their child. Max is a happy child and lucky to
have two parents that care for him so much. Only time will tell
what affects his parent's divorce will have on him. There is
happiness out there for your child. Parents just have to step
back from the argument table and ask themselves, "How is our child
going to be affected by this?"
Jonathan was married on July 2, 2000, and divorced on October 19,
2004. He has been a Business Education teacher at Robert E. Fitch
Sr. High School in Groton, CT for the past 8 years. Along with
teaching, he has coached football, basketball and presently just
softball. He is 33 years old, and lives in Groton with his 2 ½
year old son, Max (he is with Max 7 out of 14 days). He and his
ex-spouse share joint physical and legal custody of Max. He
enjoys spending as much time with his son as possible. Jonathan
can be reached at
