I shout my pre recorded response, Re kick and let's everyone try to
play together. The kick ball game is at full steam and I notice a
few new faces playing outfield. I smile to myself when the kids
actually accept my solution and the game ensues.
The phone rings. Brett, this is Yvonne. Send my kids home for supper. Goodbye.
I glance at my watch and unfortunately realize that it is five thirty
and I have no plans for supper yet. I walk to the back yard and
order the neighbor kids home for supper, and plans for the resumption
of the game are quickly made between the kids.
Ok now, Brandon and Brock, let's go in and eat.
We are not hungry, Dad.
The all too familiar reply starts the next volley. Well, if we don't
eat, we don t get to play ball after supper. This leads to some pouting
and a stare-down that, unfortunately, I sometimes do not win.
Slam, the front door is closed and locked. I check the clock,
five forty-five. The score of this game is two unhappy, sweaty
boys and one soon-to-be frustrated dad. The shoes are removed and
lobbed over the couch.
Clean up, guys, I will start supper. Who wants chicken nuggets and macaroni?
That's all we ever have, Dad, but ok.
Now, hurry up. The Cools are going to be back any time.
Please get us some nice cold water.
The microwave and stove are immediately put on full power and our
three-course dinner of chicken nuggets, macaroni, and chips soon sets
off the smoke alarm.
Brandon yells, Dad, supper's burned again; we are not going to eat it.
No, Brandon, the supper is not burned. I just have the smoke
alarm set on very sensitive, but isn't it nice to know that our alarm
works? Now everyone in the kitchen and let's eat.
Knock, knock. Dad, the Cools are back. We have to go outside.
After half of our meal is completed, I give up. The boys adrenaline and excitement have won again.
Go outside and play, but tomorrow we are going to eat as a family or
else, and please wear your shoes outside. After I throw away all
the food no one ate, and wash dishes I will be out to play.
Slam! The front door signals that this game is over, the final
score, two barefooted happy, half-fed boys, and one very frustrated
dad. I look at the time, six thirty. Well at least I am
consistent. I wonder what Barney, the purple dinosaur, would do?
Being a new single parent, mealtime routines, or lack of, are a major
source of chaos in my household. Years of living alone, with
spontaneous eating schedules just do not work today. I have to
laugh when the neighborhood mothers inquire daily on the subject of
what Brett has planned for supper. Several months ago, my reply
was I have not decided yet, or We don't eat until dark. After my
indifferent reply, the next question thrown my way was if the boys and
I are even going to eat! In the beginning, I felt somewhat offended by
the inquiries. I now believe that the interest in when and what
the Barton boys were eating, was a caring message and subtle warning to
the importance of family schedule. Could a well planned consistent
supper time
eliminate some headaches? Is there a reason that most of the
neighborhood kids eat at five thirty every day? Should Dad expand his
menu and start to prepare the meal before five thirty? I think I had
better do a little research!
Assistant professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School in
Cambridge, Massachusetts, Dr. Peter Gorski gives his insight. Regular
schedules provide the day with a framework that orders a young child's
world. Although predictability can be tedious for adults,
children thrive on sameness and repetition: "Knowing what to
expect from relationships and activities helps children become more
confident (Gorski).
Gorski also suggests planning regular mealtimes. "It is so
valuable to the developing spirit of children to have one meal together
each day as a family," Gorski says. Sitting together at the
dinner table gives children the opportunity to share their day's
experience and get support for whatever they're feeling. The emphasis
is on togetherness, so if your children need to eat earlier, at least
give them dessert while you eat your meal. Professor Gorski adds that
mealtime is also an ideal time to introduce routines that give children
responsibility, such as setting or clearing the table. Gorski believes
that older children can be pre-dinner helpers and washer-uppers.
When a child knows what is going to happen and who is going to be
there, it allows him or her to think and feel more boldly and freely,
Gorski adds. When a child does not know what to expect, his internal
alarms go off. Ultimately, parents benefit as well (Gorski).
Professor Gorski s comments seem logical. I wonder how my family
suppertime routine shapes up to his model. For the last two weeks I
have entered data in a simple spreadsheet. The data being entered daily
displays the actual time spent planning, setting up, and actually
sit-down time for the family supper. I have even added a column
for stress factor attributed to our daily suppertime ritual.
Being a computer novice, I then plotted and graphed the information,
thereby creating a picture depicting the Barton family supper.
Wow, this cannot be, my graph seems to be laughing! Surely I have found
a flaw in the Microsoft Excel software. Maybe my computer has a
virus! The results of the graph are quite similar to the jagged
topography map of the Rockie Mountains in Colorado. Wouldn't the
rolling hills of Kentucky be gentler and less stressful? Maybe
it's time for Brett to start asking for advice closer to home.
Home, to me, is Cornell, Illinois. Cornell is a small farming
community, where neighbors are very close. Close in the sense of
being available to help out in each others household. My closest
neighbors are the Cools: Dutch, Yvonne, Allison, Taylor, and
Mitchell. Their ages are thirty-eight, thirty-seven, eleven, nine
and four, respectfully.
Their last name is not only unique, but also appropriate. They
are truly cool in the slang sense. I am very fortunate to have
wonderful neighbors. I often humbly look to the Cools for advice
and suggestions. When Mom and Dad Cool are not available, I don't
hesitate asking the Cool kids their opinions. It's kind of neat
questioning Allison, Taylor or even little Mitchell on "What would your
mom or dad do if?" The scary part is over half the time, I
actually follow the children's guidance verbatim. I guess, When
in Rome, do as the Romans do.
Through a candid interview with Yvonne (Mom Cool), I have learned that
supper time is a very scheduled event. Yvonne states that supper
usually occurs around five thirty, and is a family only participation.
She explains, Dutch or I have no problem whatsoever asking
non-family members to leave. Yvonne goes on to suggest that
I need to plan the menu in the morning, and stick to it. Yvonne
gives me an example: Brett, I have witnessed you start macaroni, get
the kids to the table, let the boys tell you they were not eating
macaroni, give in, and then start cooking hamburgers.
At first I felt offended, but quickly realized that the reason for
being insulted was to eliminate distractions and to have some family
time together. Changing the menu midway through dinner is a bit absurd.
It is a source of amazement to me of how the Cools can gather alone,
eat, and be back outside usually before I successfully corral my kids
into our house. I have concluded that the unfamiliar words of
routine and schedule must be the secret.
I talked to Dutch (Dad Cool) after getting his wife's opinion. He
took the importance of routines a step further: Brett, eating schedules
are just the tip of the iceberg. We try to incorporate scheduling
in other facets, such as bedtime, getting ready for school, or picking
up toys. Dutch admits that his children do not always follow
these guidelines, but they know what is expected. I will never
forget Dutch's next statement: Disciplining is also a routine. The
children have fewer excuses, complaints, or alibis when they get into
trouble. No one can claim ignorance if we stick with our game plan day
in and day out.
For further proof of the importance of routines, I happened upon an
article written by New Jersey psychologist, Susan Newman. Newman
believes routines begin from the first days of life, affecting the
relationship between parent and child, setting the stage for rocky or
smooth sailing as your child gets older. Babies, especially, need
regular sleep and meal schedules and even routines leading up to those
activities, a story every day before nap or bedtime, for example
(Newman).
Through my personal research, I can relate to Susan Newman's reference
to rocky or smooth sailing! I think that I will sleep on this tonight.
It's six thirty on a Saturday morning. I sit at my desk reviewing
my research involving suppertime routines. My two year old,
Brock, starts to stir in bed; hold on while I run to the kitchen,
making sure the cinnamon pop tart has been opened, top off his milk
cup, and make sure that the Barney tape has been rewound. I feel so
relieved knowing that I still have one pop tart left over for reserve;
the milk jug is almost full, and I have two Barney tapes, in case one
breaks. Things just don't go very well in the morning if Brocks
schedule is altered or if one of the components is missing. As I
sit back down at my desk, Brock runs from behind the recliner and
yells, Boo. This is his way of surprising me every morning; one
could call it his routine. Brock s next three words are milk, pop
tart, and Barney. Within one minute, I have him set up, and I
continue studying. Now the bell goes off in my brain; I do have a
set routine. It involves eating and, most importantly, it
works. I believe my research and practical experience might prove
to be helpful. Although the solution demands a major change of my
household, I am excited.
Several days have gone by since the overhaul of the family
routine. As warned, the boys are rebelling. I have stayed patient
and realize that things will not change overnight. Little things like
removing the extra chairs from the kitchen table helps to remind the
boys and me that suppertime is a family only event. Bath time and
bed time
seem to be less stressful since we have our new system. The rules are
bendable, but it is up to me about of when, and where. Again I have
learned that it is harder for adults, rather than children, to
change.
Work Cited
Cool, Darrel (Dutch) Personal interview. 31 Oct. 2002
Cool, Yvonne. Personal interview. 31 Oct. 2002
Gorski, Dr. Peter. The Importance of Routines.
Clubmom. 2 Nov. 2002 http://www.clubmom.com
Newman, Susan. The Importance of Routines.
Clubmom. 2 Nov. 2002 http://www.clubmom.com
Brett Barton is thirty eight years old and the youngest of five
children. Born and raised in a small farming community one hundred
miles south of Chicago. Brett was employed as a truckdriver for 19
years. At the age of thirty seven, Brett entered rehabilitation for
alcohol/drug addiction and has remained sober for the past 19 months.
Brett has sole custody of his two boys, Brandon and Brock, ages one and
five respectively. He is a stay at home (sober) dad, going to full time
college. As a hobby Brett loves refinishing antiques.
