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Ten Tips On How To Negotiate During Divorce |
1. Be businesslike, and keep emotional control. You stand to lose a
great deal if you are not able to keep your cool. It's also wise to
avoid letting your feelings guide you in decision making, as feelings
are not always good guides for actions and decisions.
2. Find ways you can both get what you want. Try for a "win-win"
approach where both parents and the children get as much of what they
want and need as possible. No one will get everything that he/she
wants. Think about what you can give your former partner that she
values and is good for your children.
3. Watch your timing. Negotiating without a third party may be nearly
impossible during the heavy negative intimacy phase. Being ready and
being willing to negotiate are two different things. Another
possibility is that one can be ready and willing to start the
negotiating process, but not to complete it. It is often the case that
both people are not in the same phase of emotional recovery at the same
time, making it more difficult to find the right timing for negotiating.
4. Find what motivates you. Try to find something from your past
experiences that can help you to be patient. For instance, you might
have been the child of a difficult divorce and not want to put your
children through that.
5. If he or she doesn't follow an agreement, put "teeth" in it, which
means written statements on what will be acceptable alternatives,
substitutions, and compensations when the agreement is not followed.
Use the HIRT test to determine the severity of the situation. If your
situation doesn't pass, then "teeth" are needed in the agreement.
6. HIRT test
H=how hurtful is the problem to the children?
I=how intentional is the transgression?
R=does the parent repeatedly not follow the agreement or do hurtful things to the child?
T=is this a tactical move by either one
of you to gain an undue advantage, get revenge or avoid
responsibilities?
7. Try to find a FASTER solution (p.202-203)
F= be flexible and fair
A=be active
S=use substitutes
T=make trades
U=understand and be understood
R=be respectful.
8. Show your children that mature adults can resolve differences.
Children deeply feel the
effects of conflict between their parents. They can become
demoralized and emotionally
injured, and in many cases, feel they are to blame. Children often end
up feeling that things are hopelessSeSnts can't resolve their personal
problems. This can lead to escape through drugs,violence^mental
illness. Ongoing, meshed conflict between parents Part of separation
and divorce for children, and can affect them the rest often have If
you feel your children that these conflicts can be resolved, you are
offering them a positive roles and showing them that even in difficult
and painful time, things can eventually work out. Plan meeting times,
their length, and the meeting place carefully. Choose a time that suits
both of you. Limit discussion time to 30-45 minutes. Cover only a few
items in one session, having agreed on the agenda beforehand. Meet in a
neutral place. Be kind to yourself. Preparing for these delicate
negotiations can bring a number of difficulties surface, and make it
harder to push forward. You can limit your preparation time to 20-30
minutes at a time.
* From "Mom's House, Dad's House" by Isolina Ricci 1980,1997
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