Jim Buie has lived apart from his son Matthew 10 months a year since
1994. Yet, using new technologies, they have been able to maintain a
close relationship. Download and listen to this two-and-a-half minute commentary on National Public Radio. Here's the text:
I was sitting in my den watching television. I heard my son Matthew
calling out from the computer room for assistance with a project.
"Hey Dad, can you help me a second?" he asked.
Sure, I replied. I looked him in the eye and gave him a smile.
Except Matthew was not physically in the computer room. He was more
than 500 miles away. We were video-conferencing, with web cameras
plugged into our computers, and voice-enabled messaging.
Matthew lived most of the year with his mother in North Carolina. I
lived in Maryland. When his mother first considered moving, I greatly
feared I would become like other divorced fathers in America: I might
not play a significant role in my son's life.
But Matthew still had his Dad in his daily life. Matthew and I engaged
in "electronic bonding" - we communicated nearly every day by e-mail,
online chat, cell phone, web camera or occasionally, even by
old-fashioned telephone.
Matthew is a member of Generation D - the digital generation. The
Internet has become as important a part of his growing up years as
television was to mine.
Online, I helped Matthew with homework. I told stories to try to make
social studies come alive for him. He e-mailed me his vocabulary words
in English and Spanish. I called out the English word and he gave me
the Spanish equivalent. For junior class project, he was writing a
report on slavery, so I searched the Net for pictures depicting slavery.
He practiced his flute for me.
We hook up web cameras so we can SEE as well as hear each other.
New technologies definitely lessen the distance between my son and me.
But they are not a substitute for being together.
Sometimes I could sense Matthew slipping away from me.
At best, even with the most advanced technology, a cooperative ex, an
enthusiastic child, and faithful attention, virtual parenting is just
not enough. There's no question that we've missed important time
together. But it's a heck of a lot better than no relationship at all.
I grew up in an intact family. Even at a 500-mile distance, I'm a more
emotionally involved father than my father was. And I'm probably more
appreciative of my time with my son than parents who resent their
children and take them for granted.
Robert Bly has written that when a boy and his father spend time
together, something like "spiritual food" passes between them. For me,
it's just enough nourishment until the next face-to-face encounter.
Summer is my favorite time of year. Matthew spent most of it with me,
my wife Lucia, and his four-year-old brother, Alex, who adored him.
Matthew's mom and I reversed roles: she was now virtual mom and I was
no longer just virtual dad. I was temporarily liberated from the
computer.
At times like these, I was one happy guy, sharing not just words, text,
sight and sound with my son, but all five senses. For this brief and
shining moment, my circle was complete.
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