"If you have no idea of where you're going, how do you know when you get there?" is our independence declaration.
Ever wondered what the signers of our independence document thought
America would become. I'm pretty sure their desires were based on
their fears. They knew what they didn't like, and that anything
was better than what they had. Does that sound like how we might be
raising our kids, dads? Many of us won't admit we didn't like
what happened to us as kids, yet we do our damnedest to not repeat the
mistakes our fathers made.
Still, have you ever stopped to think about the shoes your father
wore? Ever thought about trying on his hat, view life through his
mirror on the wall as he looked back, and perhaps change some of the
choices he made? Think about it. And as you do, think about
giving him another chance, and while you at it, give your kids the
chance you didn't have by actually declaring yourself free of the idea
that your ‘old man' was a tyrant, a dictator, and just loved you too
much to tell you.
Men love their kids. They can't help it. Though you may
read about some idiot who commits a crime that we hold him accountable,
for the most part, dads mean well. We want to get it right.
We want to give our kids what we didn't have. Yet in the process, we
neglect the good parts of our lives, and they fail to get to know us.
We want our kids to listen to us. Our dads wanted the same
thing. Did we always listen? Were we little angels? When we
messed up, we knew what was coming. We got corrected. Many
times our mothers just waited until dad came home. We became the
enemy, the guy with the strap, cane, or whatever source of punishment
that was dished out. Think our dad loved being the
disciplinarian? But moms were used to doing things that
way. She probably remembers being corrected by her dad, and so
the cycle was continued.
And today, it's somewhat the same, except we don't want to punish our
kids. We want them to dole out their own punishments. We
want to build up their self-esteem to the point they don't know
anything but shades of gray. There is no black and white, and by
the time we realize our parents weren't so bad, our kids are so out of
control we can only blame our parents for not giving us more
instruction on why they did what they did. But remember, we
didn't want to listen. The old tyrant who is now a genius isn't
in our lives because we excluded him or he's dead.
We have to know what we need, rather than what we want. One path
is driven by our head and the other by our hearts. We confuse the
two. Though sometimes it's okay, dads need to show they have a
heart, dads need to realize we are raising the next generation.
That's a tall order, and we need to get a handle on how we are going to
do, and do it collectively. As men, husbands, and yes fathers who
want our children to be able to survive society's ills.
Think our ancestors had an idea of what they were doing? Many of them
didn't survive the independence of the declaration. Most died in
poverty. But did they have an idea of what they were doing?
I think so. They were doing something no one else had really
done. They didn't care about the odds. They were going to
do it, and they were committed to seeing it through. They were
the pigs in the bacon and eggs scenario. You couldn't call any of
the chicken. But today, many men want only the good side of
fathering.
They want to be there when the good reports are brought home.
They want to be there to see the honors passed out, the track meets
won, and the good behavior reports acknowledged. Many can't deal
with the possibility of their son or daughter getting a bad grade from
some teacher who demands that work be done. Some dads can't
understand why their son could drop the baton that lost an
insurmountable lead. Some dads just can't understand why their
sons can't be like he was when he was growing up. Forgetting that
maybe the way he is as a father is because he has not declared his
independence from how his dad was with him. It's time to overcome that
obstacle.
Yet we cannot overcome until we realize we are, who we are, because of
who our parents were. And until we realize our children have that
same legacy, we cannot entrust them with a path to being their own
caretakers of our country's future. We did all right. The
country has not gone to the dawgs...yet. And it won't. If we
realize the truth; and that's what the signers of the Declaration of
Independence saw: "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness..."
where "all men are created equal." That's where we want to
be. It is our legacy to give our kids as much truth as we can so
they can earn the right and respect of being free to be equal in a land
such as ours.
Archie Wortham lives with his wife, Suzan of 23 years, and their two
sons Myles (12), and Jeremy (16) in Universal City, Texas, a suburb of
San Antonio. Retired from the military in 1996, for nine years he wrote
a dad's column originally called "Jeremy's Dad," then called
"Jeremyles' Dad," named after both his sons. He now writes a column in
San Antonio called "Men 2 Fathers." Archie also maintains the Fatherhood site,
you may contact him by email at
