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"Guys,
get out of the mud! How many times do I have to tell you?"
The words spilled out of my mouth. I felt myself re-creating the same
words my parents had said to me so many times in the past, and I felt
powerless to change my kids' actions. An alarming thought came to me,
one that comes to most fathers at some point: "Am I becoming my
father?"
We were on a short vacation, and my daughter and son were doing one of
the things eight and six-year-old kids like to do--playing in mud. They
weren't rolling or wrestling in it, just splashing in it with their
boots, and enjoying the feeling. You know, one of those feelings that
we adults are far too "adult" to enjoy anymore.
It was the third and last day of our trip, and I'd been with the kids
on a solo mission to northern Minnesota. My wife had stayed home to
catch up on work issues, and to enjoy some time to relax. And while
we'd experienced some great times on the trip, it didn't feel too great
at the moment. I was struggling with something many fathers struggle
with: a gnawing sense of impatience with my kids, and a feeling I
should be in control of their behavior.
My son turned around to me and said, "Dad, relax, it's OK!" I smiled
back at him, realizing he was right. Indeed, the mud could be washed
off. No lives were in danger.
The only problem here was my desire to control them.
I wanted to thank him for his reminder. It's useful to remember that
our kids are not to be controlled. They are to be guided and led, but
not controlled. This impatience and desire to control can lead many
fathers to an emotional disconnect with their kids. And while many
fathers have an acute awareness of this issue, they convince themselves
that it can't be helped.
The truth is that it can be helped, and fathers can transform the
relationship they have with their kids. Here are some of the
steps:
* Accept responsibility for your issues and your part in this
problem. Identify your "irrational thoughts," things like, "I should be
in control of this situation," or, "My kids should always obey me
immediately."
* See how these irrational thoughts play out when you're with
your kids. When does it tend to happen? What do you do? Being aware of
these thoughts goes a long way towards helping you to respond to
them-not react to them with anger.
* Get some help to identify these issues from someone who's
familiar with you. Your spouse, a close friend, or coach can help you
sort it out.
* When you do feel these feelings of impatience or a lack of control,
practice "being with the feelings." Don't fight them. Use a calm
voice-no yelling, shame, or criticizing. Stay with the feelings until
they pass. Don't worry, you'll make it through, and you will get better
at it!
As we neared the end of the five-hour trip home, I noticed that my kids
had gotten along perfectly, and hadn't complained once about the length
of the drive. They spent most of their time quietly drawing.
Finally, I said, "You two are so nice to travel with. You're so patient
and get along so well!"
As I drove the last stretch toward home, I realized again that we can't
control our kids, but we can control what we pay attention to. If we
can catch them in the "act" of doing wonderful things, and let them
know about it, we've solved most of the "problem."
So, what are you paying attention to?
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is the author of "25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers". Mark is a father too and lives in Shoreview, Minnesota with his wife and two
children.
For more great tips and action steps for fathers, sign up for his FREE
bi-weekly newsletter, "Dads, Don't Fix Your Kids," at Link:
http://www.markbrandenburg.com
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