"The truth is parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." Bill Cosby said that.
I still remember the Huxtables, and give Dr. Cosby a lot of credit for
hitting the nail on the head. We all want truth, and some of us are
more equipped to deal with it than others. If we are not careful,
we'll allow ourselves to become part of a vicious circle of lies that
leads no where. No matter what any one tells you, the father's
place is in the home. It may not be at the head of the
table. It may not be driving the car or opening doors for the
mother of his children. But one thing is for certain, if we don't
have fathers in the homes, we will never adequately and sufficiently
have men in the street.
Why do we need men in the street? Who else is going to police up
our neighborhood, if not the men? Oh yeah, we have MADD, and moms
for this and that, but the people who are going to straighten our kids,
particularly our sons, are the men who fathered them. And if for
some reason a dad is not around, then some father surrogate needs to
get in the street and get involved.
By 2010, it has been estimated, that for every seven men getting a
college degree, there will be nine women. Considering about 40%
of the households don't have a man in the house, think how few of those
60% of the homes with a male role model will have a college
degree. Think how significantly reduced the earning power for
those homes will be. What's the other truth?
Though women are reaching parity in the workplace, men still have to
reach parity in the homes. That's the truth. And though the truth
sometimes changes, principally the reason many men have not reached
parity in the home is because wives and mothers don't allow it.
They think we are stupid, and can't do anything unless we are
told. We on the other hand, know we can do things without being
told. We just want to do it our way, and they won't let us. When
two people do things their way...no one survives. Look at our
divorce rate. Look at the recent incidences of abuse committed by
members of a higher calling. We have been quiet too long about
too many sensitive issues, and the sooner we get on line with what's
right and wrong, the sooner things will get better.
But will they? I'm not too impressed with a lot of things
lately. There's bickering at all levels. Our kids are
abusing their bodies, inside and out with tattoos and piercings.
The positive role models and icons we once had in movies and TV are
gone. As it seems we've just about hit rock bottom, we choose to
ignore the probable solutions to a lot of these issues. Fathers!
When I was growing up, I was not really allowed in the kitchen.
My aunt did everything. I remember one time she went to visit her
daughter-in-law who was recovering from childbirth. My uncle
cooked. I'm not sure what food my aunt left for him, but he
cooked...I mean I got fed without her being around. When our first
son, Jeremy was born, no one came. We survived. In a small
apartment, I don't remember doing too much, but we survived.
When Myles, our younger son was born, his mom almost died. I remember
vividly taking care of him and his mom. I remember people
bringing food to us, and I remember my older son was not surprised I
could cook. Years later, when mom went on a trip, I cooked.
When mom worked, I cooked. Still later, I hope, when mom and dad
are gone, both our sons will cook. But you know what? Mom
doesn't encourage it. Nevertheless, I insist on it. It's a
fact. Moms raise baby boys to be taken care of by the motherly
daughters they also raise. It's a fact and it ain't right.
Dads need to step up, realize their being quiet perpetuates a certain
amount of injustice. We need to protect our legacy by encouraging
our sons to be more than providers and protectors; they need to know
what to do with the bacon they bring home for their families. In
some cases, some of them may have wives whose share of the
bacon-bringing is the same. And if we don't teach our sons how to
deal with that, the domestic issue of cooking and cleaning will be just
two of the issues they will have to deal with. They will have to
deal with who they are as men. They will have to deal with who
they are as husbands. They will have to deal with who they are as
fathers. And that means accepting wives as partners, and as with any
partner, roles should be divided equally.
Teach your children the truth, and in the end, you will have the
quietness bred from a union of respect, rewards, and reciprocity.
Archie Wortham lives with his wife, Suzan of 23 years, and their two
sons Myles (12), and Jeremy (16) in Universal City, Texas, a suburb of
San Antonio. Retired from the military in 1996, for nine years he wrote
a dad's column originally called "Jeremy's Dad," then called
"Jeremyles' Dad," named after both his sons. He now writes a column in
San Antonio called "Men 2 Fathers." Archie also maintains the Fatherhood site,
you may contact him by email at
