"If we could just learn not to hate ourselves so much, that's it you know."
A good friend of mine in South Carolina once told me this about fathers and sons, "Sometimes Archie, you just have to love them." In the mix of things, I think fathers forget as my mentor told me, "I don't care if they love me or not."
These are three quotes I want you to think about. The first one tells us how we men sometimes work extremely hard to try to be the best we can, and in the process we feel we just can't live up to what society expects. Oddly enough, this quote is from the play "Boys in the Band," and though it's main character is a homosexual, what the character Michael sublimates is that in the whole mix of things, we sometime forget that none of are perfect, and no matter what parents do, children will eventually find a way to blame them. So we just have to learn to forgive ourselves, and learn not to hate them or ourselves too much.
Parenting is hard. Especially in a society where we are driven by searches for soul-mates, perfect matches, and children who personify whatever researchers indicate are average. I know, most of us want kids who are above average, but we know that if our son or daughter is like most of the kids in the neighborhood surveys, we'd be okay with it. What we seem to forget is our houses are separated by more than walls, fences, and economics. Our houses are built from the inside out. And it's what's inside that many of our children don't see.
Who's your daddy? It used to be used in pop culture to say a lot, but it's lost a lot in the translations provided it in movies, hip hop, rap, and government subsidiaries. The better question is who's your family? Once we realize that, I think many of the issues we deal with today will be resolved. In the process of building that family, one of the basic tenets that go into building a family is love. A family with children who don't realize that they are loved and loved deeply is a family destined for issue that will one day make it to Lifetime network, local or national news, Oprah, or some obituary somewhere. What my friend Bill Lejeune told me is something every father needs to take to heart, particularly if you're trying to raise sons. That's not to say that daughters are easier, but I know a little more about being a man, and trying to raise sons than I know about daughters.
Among all this, I'll add that if you want your sons to love you, you might be in for a surprise. You might also be a bit surprised by what I'm going to say next. Don't expect them to love you or work for them to love you. Just love them.
In a society bent on everyone being everybody's friend, values, rules, traditions get tossed aside. When kids want to do something you know is wrong, you should never think about whether they will love me if I tell them no! Just tell them no, and understand it's better they hear it from you than from a teacher, a policeman or a judge. Granted they might have to have your imposed will reaffirmed at school, in the street or in somebody's court, but never let it be said that they learned right from wrong from outside the walls of their home.
Life is hard! It's a cruelty that begins the moment a baby takes it first breath, and we adults do our damnedest to keep the real world from our kids as long as we can. We baby our boys to the point they can't take care of themselves when they leave home. We don't, some of us, don't teach them the wash clothes, how to cook, or buy groceries. And when they marry someone who tells them "I'm not your mother,' we get all in a huff about "How dare they treat my baby that way." That's why we have such an increase in boomerang kids. Kids moving back home because it's easier living with mom and dad at thirty than facing the cruelty mom and dad didn't prepare them for before they supposedly left home for good. And they blame us anyway.
So what's the solution? Be hard. Think hard! Teach them to take care of themselves, because one day they will have to. Give them responsibilities and hold them accountable. And if you feel you need help, ask someone their opinion. And in the process of asking opinions, ask your kids what their opinions on certain issues are. Maybe they want to do more around the house. Maybe they would like to make more decisions about what they should eat. Maybe they have no idea what the economic situation in your house is until you explain it. Tell them, and listen to what they have to tell you.
We all want to be proud of our kids. But in the mix of things, we sometimes forget that our kids want to be proud of us. It's in their genes. When parents reach a point of breaking up, kids generally blame themselves. When parents reach a point of breaking up, kids take more of a role in trying to fix things. When parents reach a point of breaking up, kids sometimes are the glue that holds things together, but don't let them be the things that tears them apart.
It's often said that one of the most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother. The same is true for moms.love your husbands. But besides all of this, something neither parent should forget, be careful to protect your children by teaching them to take care of themselves. This protection involves at home, in the streets, and in the classrooms. Our kids need to know the value of who they are by the way we raise them, and it's our job to raise adults. They might not love you for it now, but your grandchildren will appreciate it and be sure to tell you about it.Archie Wortham lives with his wife, Suzan of 23 years, and their two sons Myles (12), and Jeremy (16) in Universal City, Texas, a suburb of San Antonio. Retired from the military in 1996, for nine years he wrote a dad's column originally called "Jeremy's Dad" then called "Jeremyles Dad" named after both his sons. He now writes a column in San Antonio called "Men 2 Fathers." Archie also maintains the Fatherhood site, you may contact him by email at
