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Fatherhood Firefighting 101: Impulsive decisions will not put out the fire |
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Up until the time I took "early retirement", I served as a volunteer
firefighter in my community. My father was a charter member of
his VFD, and served faithfully for over 25 years. I think my
childhood memories of Dad rushing out the backdoor, turnout gear in
hand, stuck with me. I truly enjoyed my ten plus years in the
fire service, and have some vivid firefighting memories of my own.
One such incident was on the scene of a house fire. Smoke was
heavy, and flames were leaping out several windows. Our team of
seasoned firefighters is crouched at the front door--all in full
turnout gear. Masks are donned, and the man in the lead has his
gloved hands on the nozzle. There is over 100 pounds per square
inch of power at the nozzle, and we all are preparing for an interior
attack that will no doubt be steaming. However, some of us just
can't help but smile to ourselves. We know that the force in the
fully charged hose is nothing compared to the pounding in the chest of
one fellow firefighter. You see, we have a rookie with us, and
this is his first "working fire". The rookie takes his Halligan
tool and ax to the door, and gets ready to conduct forcible
entry. Just as the head of the ax goes into full back swing, our
captain grabs the rookie's shoulder and yells, "wait!" The
captain reaches around the team of firefighters, turns the doorknob,
and easily opens the front door.
Many a front door has met the fate of an ax, pry bar, or the size 11EE
boot of an overzealous firefighter. I remember well the quote
from one of my instructors from a basic firefighting class. "Try
before you pry." Perhaps this analogy can be applied to your role
as dad as well.
As I speak to groups concerning this job we call parenting, I often use
firefighting analogies. Both jobs are extremely demanding, and
parents are constantly answering the call from their children.
"Why can't I invite my whole class over for an overnight? That's
only 28 friends!"
"Susie's dad let's her date, and she's only 14!"
"Dad! I forgot about my social studies project! It's due tomorrow. Will you finish it while I'm at soccer?"
The calls never end, and parents are so accustomed to running around
and putting out fires. The problem is, parents then make
impulsive decisions. How do you as dad answer the "calls" in
today's overbooked family life? Here are a few tips:
* In order to guard against making poor decisions, you must slow
down. Period. You can't use your experience, good judgment,
and common sense if you are constantly flying by the seat of your
pants. A firefighter may slide quickly down the pole when the
call comes, but that's the end of the rush. Every response
afterwards is never so rushed or hurried that the firefighter is out of
control. When your kids come to you for a decision about
something, don't rush it. Slowing down doesn't mean you are
indecisive. It means you are being wise.
* Don't go it alone. Firefighters work as a team, and so should
you. Consulting with your spouse, good friend, or another parent
whom you trust isn't a sign of weakness. It's an indication of
wisdom. Never go alone on the big calls.
* If your instincts kick in and you are suddenly uncomfortable with a
decision you have already made, it's okay to back up and
reevaluate. Firefighters on more than one occasion have been
saved because their chief officer got a bad feeling about the stability
of a roof. Just as firefighters are pulled out of a building, you
can pull back too. Yes, you may hear, "But dad! You already
said I could! That's not fair!" Don't let your child use
the "but you already said yes" routine to force you into sticking with
a bad decision.
* Never believe that your answer must come now. For example, your
teen daughter comes to you and says, "Bradley (the boyfriend) is on the
phone and I need to know your answer now about me going with him to the
lake". Say this. "OK, if you must know now, the answer is
no". Then walk out. It's funny how your son or daughter
didn't really have to know right then. It works every time.
Don't ever be rushed by your kids into a decision.
Now, sometimes your response to a situation is better left as no
response at all. I got home from work on a beautiful, spring day
and smiled as I noticed my two girls sunning on the deck. My wife
was cooking supper in the kitchen, and I was cookin' up my own plans
for the afternoon. Ten minutes later, I'm in my recliner,
newspaper in hand, and the phone rings. To my surprise, it's my
older daughter.
"Dad, do you know what time supper's ready?"
"Where are you?"
"Uh, on the deck."
She was on her cell phone. Sometimes in life, simply smiling to
yourself in disbelief is better than getting up and answering the call.
Bryan is a nationally certified school psychologist residing in
Gastonia, NC with his wife and two teenage daughters. He has over
23 years of experience in the field, working with parents, children,
and teens. Bryan currently writes the weekly column, Parent
Connection, which continues to grow in circulation. In addition
to the column running in several newspapers via self syndication, it is
dispatched each week on the Freedom Newspaper Wire Service.
Today's Millennium Parents are involved in their children's education,
and Bryan finds that his perspective as a school psychologist is
helpful to parents, stepparents, and grandparents as well. He
writes on a variety of topics, and readily responds to your email
questions and comments. Bryan is an experienced speaker, and
enjoys talking with groups on a variety of topics that deal with child
rearing and families.
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