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How a Father Became One of His Teenage Daughter's Best Friends |
It may seem impossible to believe, but today's teens do want to
consider their parents as friends, even though they think we could
never understand the realities of their world. They are also interested
in what it was like being a teenager during the Stone Age. Life without
cell phones or the Internet must have been unimaginable!
So even with this interest, can a father and teenage daughter really
become best friends when competing with busy schedules, and raging
hormones? The answer is a resounding YES...and it is worth the effort!
What is important to understand is that both of you have to want the
new relationship on a long-term basis. You cannot appear to be going
through the motions, or acting like you are fitting this new
relationship into your busy schedules.
As a father, I knew I was a good provider. I put food on the table, a
roof over her head, and helped fund those great sales that saved me so
much money.
As important as the father role is, it was improving the "Dad" role
that allowed me to develop a lasting relationship with my daughter.
Essentially, I modified the communication and problem-solving skills
that I successfully used at work to improve my relationship with my
daughter.
The following are the ten ways that helped me to become one of my teenage daughter's best friends:
1. We defined what trust meant to each of us. We also agreed that there
would be no games or hidden agendas—just honesty—to build the trust.
2. We agreed that mutual trust is earned by exhibiting consistent
behavior. The amount of trust that we developed would be proportionate
to the amount of freedom that she would enjoy.
3. Anything that she discussed with me was kept in the strictest of confidence. This helped to reinforce the trust.
4. I talked to her as an adult while remembering that she was still a
kid. This allowed for flexibility during those trying adolescent years.
5. I became an attentive listener. Multitasking may be necessary at
work, however it will make you appear distracted when discussing
something important with your daughter. I learned to focus.
6. I asked the right questions without appearing to interrogate her. It
was important that my daughter not fear coming to me to discuss what
was important to her. It was equally important that she felt that I
took the time to understand what she was trying to communicate.
7. I did not judge her for her actions or ever say, "I told you so!
This helped in having her continue to come to me to discuss topics, and
encouraged her to do things better the next time.
8. When helping her with problem solving, we discussed the desired
outcomes first, and what she needed to do to resolve her problem. Then
she was allowed to proactively make her own decisions based upon the
facts rather than reacting to her emotions.
9. We set guidelines instead of making rules for her to follow. She had
input into the guidelines, and was then expected to follow them. She
perceived this as fair and in her best interests.
10. We "hung out" as opposed to just spending time together. Remember
that there is a difference between motion and productivity, so we made
our time together interactive. If we went to a movie, then we went for
an ice cream and discussed the movie. Or we played some "one on one"
games or sports.
Today, Jennifer is in college and our father-teenage daughter
relationship is transitioning into one that is more father-young adult
oriented. She continues to call me to discuss topics important to her
and, it is gratifying to see that she has grown into an independent
young woman. It gives me great peace of mind to know that she can think
for herself, and still values coming to me to discuss things before she
acts. Also, she is still saving me tons of money with those great sales.
If you want to be a better dad, don't forget the child within you. All
too often, we get so wrapped up in being an adult that we forget how to
have fun and enjoy life. I found that by using my imagination, I
rekindled my creativity, and this made me an "okay guy" for my daughter
to hang out with.
Copyright 2004 by V. Michael Santoro and Jennifer S. Santoro, All Rights Reserved.
V. Michael Santoro coauthored, "Realizing the Power of Love," How a
father and teenage daughter became best friends...and how you can too,
with his teenage daughter Jennifer S. Santoro, PublishAmerica, ISBN:
1-4137-1510-9; $19.95; For more information visit their Web site at http://www.dads-daughters.com
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