I Don't Want To Run Your Life; I Just Want To Be Involved
"I don't want to run your life; I just want to be involved." As
parents, how many of you can confess to having thought that? We
have good intentions. We mean it, but sometimes we just can't stop the
involving at the front door. We want to come in. Check the
refrigerator, the furnishings, and see if the dishes are done. We
mean well, but sometimes we feel we haven't done our job well enough to
let go. Moreover, that's why our kids fight us.
We work hard to make sure we've done a good job to raise them so they
can leave. We give them a taste of freedom. Then we decide
when they can have it, whether they handle things well or not.
That's scares us sometimes. We fear they may not need us.
We fear me might have not adequately prepared them for something.
The what-ifs drive us nuts, and you know what? It drives them
nuts too! So how do we handle this monster? We talk about
it. We talk it to death. We resurrect it and talk about it
some more. After all, they will always be our kids, even when
they are gone. Right?
Recently Jeremy and I have been going through the pains of summer. He's
growing up too fast. I'm helping him. His mom wants to hold
on to him. I want to hold on to him. He wants us to be there to
protect him, but he also wants to be his own person.
Control, it's all about control. It's about control and
responsibility. No one wants the responsibility of something
failing. And generally, if someone is to be blamed, it's
dad! We have to have some big shoulders to heave them up the
ladder of success, and be there as they get their footing. We
also have to be willing to realize that there success is their success,
and anything they earn is theirs. Even if it means we have to
hold up.
We have to talk to them, make them realize that if they don't tell us
what they need, we can't help them find it. If they don't tell us
what they want, we can't help them get it. Bottom line, if they
don't talk to us, we are cut off from them, and so ends a beautiful
opportunity to help them grow, and for us to final grow up.
Parents actually complete the cycle of growing us as they see their
kids take on the experiences their parents passed on. We tell
them what we need, why we did it, and what we would have done
differently, and hope they can grasp the fact we are telling them �all
this' out of love. It's hard for men to tell their sons they love
them. That's why it's hard for sons to do the same. Yet
fathers grappling with the feat of trying to be sure they have
accomplished the hardest task ever presented before them need to come
to grip with this fact. Dads also need to let their sons run
their own lives as adults. It's finding a balance between freedom
and safety that parents seek. Safety is all parents really want
for their kids. But we worry that with too much freedom they
might do something that might harm them. Make sense?
How do we make sure they are always safe? Keep them in a
bubble. That's right, but we can't. As soon as we realize
we can't do that, the sooner we grow up and realize their choices are
not ours. Their lives are not ours. We have to help them
without controlling them. The sooner we are able to give them
some control, the sooner they see that maybe we are right, and the
sooner they may choose to ask us what we'd do. Notice I'm not
suggesting we tell them what to do, just that we find a way to treat
them as if they can make the right decision and turn them lose.
It could be something as simple as allowing them to sleep late, because
they don't want to listen about the importance of going to sleep so
they can wake up on time. This happened with my older son.
He had a job. I had the hardest time trying to get him up.
So one day I refused to be sucked into this trap, and allowed him to
sleep. Oh, I went into his room. Told him to get up. He
didn't stir, and I didn't lie when he asked me if I tried to wake him
up. Resolving the importance of what the job meant to him [money
to buy clothes], then he then chose to use his alarm, and took
responsibility for that.
Is it that simple? No. Sometimes I still have to urge him,
based on how important waking up happens to be. But the fact is,
he knows I'll learning to trust him, and learning more importantly that
I won't always be there. Somehow that's the key we parents have
to forge. We have to get them to understand the most important
thing a dad can do, is to raise children who will know what to do,
that's best for them, even if dad is not there. I still wish I
could ask my dad questions, but I think I'm doing okay. I'm sure
my sons will also be okay as long as I stay involved some kind of way.
Archie Wortham lives with his wife, Suzan of 23 years, and their two
sons Myles (12), and Jeremy (16) in Universal City, Texas, a suburb of
San Antonio. Retired from the military in 1996, for nine years he wrote
a dad's column originally called "Jeremy's Dad," then called
"Jeremyles' Dad," named after both his sons. He now writes a column in
San Antonio called "Men 2 Fathers." Archie also maintains the Fatherhood site,
you may contact him by email at
