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The report card had three A's, four B's and several S's (for
satisfactory). Grades are not what I want to focus on the most when I
attend a teacher-parent conference. My child's character; respect for
teachers, ability to complete projects on time, helping other students
and is he or she a pleasure to have in class—these are the aspects I
want to know more about.
On this particular card, two elements, which by their nature are no-no,
caught my attention. My own child, apparently who should know better,
had NOW to face me and explain why that report had "Wastes time in
class" and "Disrupts learning environment" statements on it. I didn't
wait to talk with any teacher...I wanted deal with the problem from its
roots-my child.
From school, I went straight home. No bad words or put down names. But
the atmosphere wasn't a comforting one and the one-way talk (me to the
errant child) wasn't like, "Honey, I know you try, and this is just a
small problem that I want to talk of." Anything like, "Tell me one
reason, just one if there is any, why you...and tell it now in clear
terms, why you can do that. How many times have we talked about good
behavior..." may be closer to what went on.
After fifteen minutes of my fuming, I had to leave town, but not before
I had sentenced the accused to writing a letter to each of the two
teachers who had written negatively about her and one to me—her life's
head teacher, promising this was the last time I would get such a
report.
A few minutes after leaving home, reality started to dominate my
thoughts. I realized I said nothing of the A's, B's and S's to my
child. In my school days, I can't recall ever seeing an A or B on my
report card until I was in 7th grade the second time. I also knew many
parents who would host a celebration party if their child could achieve
these grades. In truth, this was something worth noting and
acknowledging and letting my child know how proud I was of her.
But what brought me to tears was the fact that with those two seemingly
disturbing elements, four different times teachers had written my child
was a pleasure to have in class; two times showed she was courteous and
cooperative and two different times indicated her progress was
satisfactory. Why didn't I mention these positive attributes?
I just had flunked what I teach leaders; before you criticize someone,
tell them some of the good things they do. As an on-the-job learning
parent, I strive to build relationship before giving rules. Rules
without relationship are the best recipe for rebellion.
The feeling that she deserved it disappeared as I drove to my office
before leaving town. I called her to say how sorry I was and ask for
her forgiveness. It was a simple, in between tears, sentence, "...I am
sorry for the way I talked to you...you know I love you, no matter how
your performance is...your grades are great and more teachers had written
about your good character than what I concentrated on...understand that I
love you and I just want the best for you..." It was hard, but I said
it, "Please forgive me." And from the other end of the phone I heard my
daughter cry as she said, "Dad, I understand...I don't even know why
those teachers wrote that." Then with sense of authority she said, "You
are forgiven."
Still the letters had to be written and taken to the teachers and one
to me. Children cannot be angels. They have surprises, good and bad.
With training and retraining the bad surprises can be turned to sweet
surprises. But being a tender warrior is what keeps a father-child
relationship vibrant. You can teach without alienating your child; care
without spoiling; say no with love and leave room for a yes at the
appropriate time.
Walking this delicate line starts with a realization that God never
sends you a manual on how to raise each child. In a family, there is
one child God seems to have given you so that you can appreciate the
others. The problem is, this may be a different child at different
times. And all are special blessings. The family cannot be the same and
have the complete joy of life without that blessing (child) in
disguise. I just want to raise normal children not angels.
Dr. Kituku, African
American Motivational Speaker is a widely read
influential writer in business, Inspirational Speaking
and education speaking. Using his exuberant, concise and riveting
style, Vincent has created books and articles of substance that are
eminently readable, with authentic clarity and relevancy. He is an
Inspirational and Motivational Speaking,
Family and Professional expert whose columns appear internationally in
numerous daily, weekly and monthly publications of both traditional and
electronic venues.
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