I’m not sure how many of you agree, but as my mentor and I have talked, I have learned more from my failures than I have from my successes.  The deeper the pain the more apt we remember.  Successes cheer us up but failure humbles us.   Why in today’s world, are we so consumed with making people feel good?  Why?

It used to be when children asked the proverbial why do something question, those of us who were busy with work, under a lot of stress and strain that kept us from quitting life, we would turn to them and say, 'Because I said so.'  We used to cultivate a society that accepted that. Our children moved on. They learned that when grown folks were talking, it was time for them to shut up.  They learned that when the rent was due, it got paid.  And they learned that when their feelings were hurt, somebody generally took the time to find out what was wrong.  Bottom line?  Things were handled.

We had a way to get in touch with each other.  Our feelings were real.  We were told that if we didn’t want to be thought of as stupid, we needed to get up off our lazy butts and apply ourselves.  Teachers told us the same things.  They were not ashamed to recognize potential and either paddle you into submission or kick your butt out of class if you were making a nuisance of yourself.  Now? We get so consumed with hurting someone’s feelings we’ll lie in a minute to make them feel good. Feeling good is what killed Heath Ledger as he couldn’t sleep.  In this indulged society some sociologists have labeled many of our spoiled brats as the ‘trophy’ generation.  You got up this morning on your own.  Oh great!  You made poopie in the potty, GREAT!  You going to all your classes and passing them all [barely], super great!  Give me a break!

Have any of you looked at the statistics on how America is doing on the educational ladder.  At one time we were the leaders with the fewest drop outs.  Now we are in the lower quarter percentile, just one position above Mexico .  In Math and Science we are near the bottom.  Granted, our children may not be failing, but are they succeeding?

Jerome Bruner, a leader in educational reform, once said 'one of the great triumphs of learning…is to get things organized in your head in a way that permits you to know more than you ‘ought’ to.  The concepts take reflection or brooding about what it is that you know.'  So let’s look at what we know.

We know that self-esteem is important. Maslow includes this on his hierarchy of needs.  But what does never failing teach us?  Does it teach us we’re always right? If our kids are encouraged to believe lies, how can they distinguish the truth? If we don’t allow them to think for themselves, will they ever learn?  And if we allow teachers to think our children can’t think because of they way they pamper them, then we are the fools.

In school, everyday, children are being passed to the next level, yet when time comes to pass an exit exam to graduate some can’t do it.  They complain and protest and parents who can’t stand to see their children suffer or fail join in this indulgent reprise for independence which underpins all that made our school systems a model for other countries.  But what has happened? 

Rather than accepting failure, contextualizing it as an opportunity to succeed, we wallow in self-pity, victimization and wounded pride.  Schools are turning out more and more functional illiterates and those of us who once valued education will be the ones stuck with the bills. We’ll be paying more than sub-primed mortgages we co-signed for because our kids don’t have credit or money. We’ll be paying for insurance premiums none of us can afford because our sons and daughters have too many traffic tickets to get a good rate.  We’ll be buying their medicine or enabling some addiction all because we didn’t say no, or because some talk show guru made us believe that if we can just get our kids to feel good about themselves everything will be fine.   Bull!

Things are not fine.  Teen suicide rates are escalating.  Teen pregnancies are on the upswing.  Dropouts, especially among boys are at an all-time high, and young men’s dislike for school is 71% higher than it was 30 years ago.  And much of this is because we have become too permissive, indulgent and afraid to say ‘no.’ and our kids are failing and blame us because we didn’t give them ground rules, curfews or chores.

Children are moving back home so fast one magazine labeled them the boomerang generation.  The fact that many who do go to college, can’t do basic stuff, like balance a check book, wash their own clothes or get up to go to class.  This inanity or affliction resulted in another author calling the parents who continue to do all the stuff for their kids ‘helicopter’ parents.  Kids today have no idea what being adult is because many adults won’t let them.  And who do you think they will blame?

Remember, as I pontificated at the start, if we want diamonds, polish them. We do that by being tough, adding a little friction.  Give them chores.  Put them on a budget.  Be firm.  Let them know who earns the buck and realize where the buck stops!  If they break a dish while washing it, make them buy another.  If they wreck the car through negligence, take the car away and make them help pay for some if not all the damages.  They may hate you, but they will respect the fact they were treated as someone who could recoup, rebuild, and resume where they left off.  We all want to eventually stand on our own, and it’s first learned at home. That’s where men learn to be fathers.