"They won't do it, if we don't let them," is our thought for this week.
No one likes to fail. We write books about failing. We attend seminars about failing. We pray to God before tests, trips, and even marriages to minimize failing. Yet when it comes to our kids, many of us set them up for failure, and then wonder why they can't do anything. We fail to trust them. We fail to believe in them. And when they fulfill this lack of trust or belief we chastise them for being lazy underachievers.
Researcher Michael Lamb stresses a threefold typology of parental involvement called interaction, accessibility and responsibility. Recently my mentor and I spoke at Grace Baptist church and heard a similar explanation of the importance of paternal involvement in the home defined as residing, presiding, and providing.
As we work toward success many of the men I know are comfortable with the providing bit. They have a good work ethic. They understand the importance of food on the table and a roof over their family's head. Where many fathers need direction or assurance is in the area of presiding and defining what that means.
First and foremost in order to preside, you have to be there. Residing is more than just coming home, putting up your feet and watching TV. Residing is being there. Being engaged with what goes on in the home, knowing the routine and contributing in the overall 'running 'of the house. Many men can provide for a family, but it's the residing and presiding that gets clouded. It's the residing and presiding many of us need help understanding and working through. It's the reason many marriages end in divorce. It's the reason many of us have sons and daughters in detention. Residing and presiding is the reason many of our children, sons in particular, have no idea what's expected of them when they become fathers because we did too much for them, and failed to teach them what being a father was all about.
In last week's column, I quoted my sister, who stressed she was not leaving her children a dime, but she was going to be sure they knew how to earn a quarter. Producing children who can take care of themselves, in my book, is a measure of success. Yet in many situations, the spoiled children being raised today have no clue how to do simple things like: write a check, balance a check book; make or maintain a budget; or value a dollar because many of their parents measure of success was providing them anything they want.
If during this summer you have not encouraged your son or daughter to get a job, particularly if they are going to be a senior in high school next year, I ask why? If during this summer you have not encouraged your son or daughter to investigate where they are going to college, particularly if they are going to be a junior or senior next year, why? If you have not discussed the financial resource needed for college, why? If you have not asked your son or daughter where they are going to live and how they are going to do that when they move out, I ask why are you grooming them for failure? As my friend Bea Overton stressed to me years ago, she's raised her sons to move out! The sooner they start thinking about that the sooner they'll be able to do that.
Not every one of them has to get a job, but there should be more to them spending the summer at home than sleeping, eating and playing video games. They can do things in the community, projects they can volunteer to do, and church events that need their help. The important thing is engagement, particularly if they are thinking about college. If they haven't gotten involved in some community activity, they are going to be shortchanged when they apply for college. If they don't know when they are going to take the ACT or SAT test they are being groomed for failure. And if they have no idea of what is on the horizon for them when they finish high school, then dads, you have not totally been providing for them.
I'd like for some of you to think to think about a few ideas as you think how can you best improve your child's chances for success: have them tell you what college they want to go to and then have them find out how much it's going to cost. Tell them if they choose not to go to college, their chances of having what many of us have are significantly reduced. Have them tell you what classes they are planning on taking next year and the books they plan to read this summer. You might be able to read one of the books with them. Have them tell you when the first opportunity to take either the ACT or SAT test is, and sign them up. You can pay for this! Ask them to figure out how much they think it takes to run the house they live, and how much rent they will have to pay when they move out.
I ask you to think about these things. If you've been planning on your son or daughter to succeeding, most of you probably have already done some of these. Because if our kids are going to take what we have done and become their own man or woman, we need to provide them an opportunity to test the real world. The real world is not a world where mom and dad always fix things for them. They get into trouble; they need to find a way out of it. And if they are unprepared to take care of themselves by the time they graduate from high school, trouble is already brooding. They should be able to do their own laundry, cook their own meals, and understand if they don't have money in the bank, unless they find a way to put some there, they may not eat.
The most important thing in all of this, I would like for each of you to remember is trust! Start trusting them by giving the opportunity to succeed, and if they fail a few times while we are there to watch them, it will be easier for them to cope with success or failure by knowing that we believed by letting them do things on their own. But we have to let them try first!
Archie Wortham lives with his wife, Suzan of 23 years, and their two sons Myles (12), and Jeremy (16) in Universal City, Texas, a suburb of San Antonio. Retired from the military in 1996, for nine years he wrote a dad's column originally called "Jeremy's Dad," then called "Jeremyles' Dad," named after both his sons. He now writes a column in San Antonio called "Men 2 Fathers." Archie also maintains the Fatherhood site, you may contact him by email at
