We approached the mall entrance a kind looking lady saw me coming and held the door open with a smile. As my 15-year-old sulked about having to go to Burger King for dinner instead of Ruby Tuesday's, my 8-year-old picked at my 5-year-old who picked at my 4-year-old who began crying uncontrollably as my oblivious 2-year-old played hopscotch through the parking lot mud puddles, I thought this offer of simple kindness of holding a door open for a complete stranger and his 5 children was a welcome sight.
But when I neared her and was ready to say a nice, "Hello", and "Thank you", she looked right at me and recited the words that I have grown to detest since becoming a father of multiple children.
"Oh my, is Daddy babysitting today?" she asked.
"No," I quickly answered, "Sulky and oblivious children are bringing in high dollar this month. I am auctioning them off tomorrow on the black market if you see one you like."
I had to quickly grab the door that the nice woman had been holding open for me and my children before it crushed my 2-year-old in the door frame as she ran to her car while digging in her purse, either for her car keys to get away, or a cell phone to call and report me.
"Why can't you just say ‘Yes, I am babysitting'", asked my oldest daughter as she rolled her eyes at my black market sarcasm.
The answer, I suppose, is simple in my mind. I have been asked hundreds of times over the years when I have been out with two or more of my children without my wife present if I am babysitting. Let me set the record straight:
Real Dads don't baby-sit!
While I would like to conjure up images and emotions of societal inequalities toward men that have resulted in this stereotypical concept, the injustice of fathers being looked upon as babysitting when they take their children out without a mother present is largely due to what we, as fathers, have done to create it. The avenue to create change, I have learned, is not to simply protest, but rather to demonstrate an interest in and devotion of our children and our spouse. It is not always what we say or how we say it, 2-year-olds and 15-year-olds don't listen too much anyway, but rather what we do and how we guide our families.
To begin the change of being looked upon as a babysitter vs. a parent, Real Dads must initiate a few key areas of Fatherhood, one of which is:
Always have an answer to their questions:
The reason for this is simple. Being able to answer questions exudes knowledge and confidence that says, "I know the answer to that!" (and I'm talking about more than listing the startup lineup of the 2003 Atlanta Braves).
I am by nature a playful parent. I like to watch the TV cartoons with my kids, watch them play in the backyard (and of course, play with them), and simply talk to them about what is on their mind. Sometimes, this father-child talk is simply about who was my favorite character in Star Wars when I was a kid, or how long would it really take to count every blade of grass in the whole entire universe. Other times the talks are more serious in nature to develop their young minds and enhance their understanding of the world in which we live, such as where does the water go when you flush the toilet and who invented 3-D glasses, and why?
Answering your child's questions is the first step in being able to transform oneself from being looked upon as "babysitter" vs. being viewed as a "real parent". Mothers have always had all the answers. I do not mean that at all sarcastically, but I honesty believe it. Part of the reason I suppose is my age. Now that I am in my mid-30's I can look back and see that most of what my own mother told me would happen if I did certain things was pretty close (if not completely right on the money) to being the gospel.
As a father I know that I am coming of age into this first and most crucial step, because I often hear the phrase, "Go ask your Dad". That is confirmation to the fact that I have the answers. A friend of mine told me that this is not completely true, as the questions that are being referred to me are simply the ones that my wife does not want to answer, even though she could, since I have already stated, that being a Mother, she thereby acquired the ability to answer any question that a child my have, whether one of her own or not.
I disagree with this assumption. After all, I have had many critically important questions referred to me by my wife. Granted, she could have answered each and every one of them, but she has handed the situation off to me. Why? Because she knows that I have been moving forward on the Road to Adult since becoming a Father, and that I am capable of answering the questions that my children are asking because I have been listening to her answers for years, taking notes (both mental and written) on how she has handled the situations, and will always look at her before answering.
Once I ignored my learning procedures and followed a carnal path for ant Dad, thinking on my own about a situation involving my teen-age daughter without consulting Motherly protocol.
"Mom, can I go to the movies with Sarah?" asked my oldest daughter.
"Go ask your Dad."
"Dad, can I go to the movies with Sarah?"
"Well," I began, taking a look at my wife before continuing. (The key here is to not let your child know that you are looking to Mom for answers. This is your time to supply them, but a reinforcement eye-check is a good idea if possible.)
My wife's eyes narrowed, like the look she look she gives me when she starts her car after I have driven it for a couple of days and the low-fuel light dings as soon as she turns the key.
"Are Sarah's parents going to be there, or are they just dropping you off?"
"Oh, well, um, you know, it's like, well, yeah, her mom will be there."
"OK" I answer without conducting the end of the game eye-check, "have fun, oh, and here's a $20."
As I watch my daughter skip gleefully out of the kitchen, I feel the burn in the bottom of my back. I used to think that I was being smacked in the kidney with a cast iron skillet when I felt this, but soon realized that the narrowing eyes actually produced a 450 degree laser beam that targets the lower back of the Dad who answered a question wrong, if he did not eye-check when appropriate. Since my wife had been in the room the entire time and had actually handed the question to me for an answer to show my Dadly abilities of knowledge and control, I should have eye-checked before answering, but I did not.
I turned to face the beam head on, and thankfully she relaxed her missile eyes for a moment.
"Sarah's mom is going with them," I said.
"You should have checked with her mom after the obvious stuttering around the question before saying "yes", what time does the movie start, what time is it over, why did you give her a $20, it's the Saturday matinee."
Of course my wife received the answers to all of these questions, and in fact, Sarah's mom had no intention of staying with the girls at the movies, but rather dropping them off at the mall to "run around" for a couple of hours before the movie.
I learned from this lesson, and continue to make mistakes when answered, but that's OK. My children love and respect me, my wife loves and respects me, and one day she will simply be walking out of the room when she says, "Go ask your Dad."
And thus having the parental remote control I will size the situation, determine the facts, and then give my Dadly answer.
And then hand her a $20.
When I am taking my younger ones out for ice cream after dinner to give Mom a break, I will be reassured in my knowledge and conviction that Real Dads don't Baby-sit.
And remember, when you want the right answer, Go Ask Your Dad Michael lives in Jonesborough, TN, with wife Heather, and children, Ashley, Dylan, Hannah, Emily, and Anthony, and is currently completing his first book of fatherly parental advice, The Great All-American Dad Misconceptions. "Go Ask Your Dad" is a syndicated column that tackles the difficult sports related issues that have been asked of a father of 5 over the years through a humorous perspective. There are always sage (even if not completely practical) answers when you "Go Ask Your Dad". Any comments and questions can be sent to Michael Vaughn at
, and other sports articles can be read at www.tricitiessports.com
