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OPINION: A Decade Later, Fatherless America Remains Problematic |
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"Yeah, I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to
be. Because he didn't have to be. You know he didn't have
to be." - Brad Paisley, "He Didn't Have To Be"
"He took me from a boy to a man so Phil is my father cause my
biological didn't bother." - Shaquille O'Neal, "Biological Didn't
Bother"
My heart absolutely aches and breaks over the loving dedication that
both country music star Brad Paisley and professional basketball
star/rap artist Shaquille O'Neal express for their stepfather.
Their musical genres may be worlds apart, but their musical choice to
honor stepfathers is deeply moving. Clearly, Brad Paisley and
Shaquille O'Neal have shown their success can be attributed to their
maturity in having allowed themselves to be fathered when that was what
they needed.
Now, don't get the idea that I believe the myth that political
scientist Stephen Baskerville has spent years trying to destroy.
That is, American fathers walk out on their families as a matter of
whim and fancy. Nothing could be further from the truth. In
fact, our civil society has benefited from the work done on behalf of
children and their families by organizations such as the American
Coalition For Fathers and Children, the Children's Right's Council, and
others.
This being said, it's quite paradoxical that this year is the 10th
anniversary of a book titled, "Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most
Urgent and Social Problem." Written during the witch hunt years
of the alleged Deadbeat Dad crisis, author David Blankenhorn proves
himself over and over again to be a master of the famed bait and switch.
On one hand, Blankenhorn concedes that children are in fact "safer with
a father than without one." But when Blankenhorn talks further
about child sexual abuse, he has the naked audacity to proclaim, "too
many married men commit this crime." Blankenhorn wrote a very dangerous
book in "Fatherless America" because he is all over the place. Up
and down. Scrambled. Almost like a family law attorney
talking out of both sides of his mouth.
I firmly agree with the concerns that Stephen Baskerville has with
"Fatherless America." Baskerville took Blankenhorn to task on September
3, 2004, in an excellent article titled, "The Failure Of Fatherhood
Policy." I read the article on the lewrockwell.com web site, and
it included more scrambled quotes from Blankenhorn. Namely,
"never before in this country have so many children been voluntarily
abandoned by their fathers."
When Baskerville writes, "the untruth that widespread fatherlessness is
caused primarily by paternal abandonment disguises the uncontested
truth that millions of innocent children are kept in forced separation
from legally unimpeachable fathers by court orders that their fathers
may breach only on pain of incarceration", he is properly speaking
about fatherhood not being so much abandoned, but more like fatherhood
being denied.
Interestingly, there is a facet to Blankenhorn's "Fatherless America"
that I don't believe I've heard anyone talk about very much in the past
decade. I'm sure Brad Paisley, Shaquille O'Neal, and anyone else
who is grateful for having been parented by a stepfather would take
serious issue with Blankenhorn's fragmented feelings and false
conclusions regarding stepfathers. After reading the chapter
titled, "The Stepfather and The Nearby Guy", I truly wonder how
Blankenhorn can sleep at night. I still wonder, what is
Blankenhorn's real agenda?
Blankenhorn calls stepfathers "nonfathers." This is a
contradiction in terms. He makes the mistake of agreeing with
William R. Beer, who is under the silly impression that a stepfamily is
"like a trolley car that rolls along the tracks, with people getting on
and off." A sharply negative view of stepfathers and stepfamilies
is enabling to biological mothers and their children when they don't
want to "accept" a stepfather, even if the biological father is out of
the picture. Horrible images of stepfathers run rampant in our
confused culture in movies like "Domestic Disturbance."
There are some uncomfortable truths most people are afraid to
admit. That is, the primary reason why stepfamilies end and
stepfathers "disengage" from their stepchildren is because sometimes
stepchildren make the the poor choice to not accept the stepfather as a
parent. This is a costly mistake, particularly when the
biological father is out of the picture. It's the worst lose-lose game
in town.
While Blankenhorn makes absolutely no sense by stating that in regard
to "the great majority of stepfathers" who are "not fathers at all", he
relies on studies that don't seem to factor in the choices biological
mothers and their children make in relation to the child's stepfather,
who is of course, the biological mother's husband. Here's the
uncomfortable truth. It's actually easier for a stepfather to want to
help out, than not. Again, if the biological father is not in the
picture, a good stepfather simply wants to be allowed to be a parent,
rather than a substitute father.
I agree in large part with Howard H. Bloomfield, author of "Making
Peace In Your Stepfamily", when he writes, "There is no reason why
stepparents cannot parent just as effectively as biological parents."
Please note the word, "parent." Stepfathers know the "love"
stepchildren have for their biological father might always be stronger
no matter what. Big deal! Did you hear me? Big deal!
We can handle it. What we can't handle, and what ultimately
(usually 2-4 years later) makes stepfathers disengage from their
stepchildren, is the rejection they subjectively and objectively feel
as adults who just wanted to be more than a "guy" in the house.
I must say that the most disturbing part of Blankenhorn's thinking is
his unwillingness to look at step-fatherhood through the eyes of, well,
stepfathers. Blankenhorn is like a biological mother who once had a
good marriage and allowed it to die because she just couldn't help but
be friends with her child, instead of learning to be a parent and back
her husband up as a stepfather. How sad.
Yet, I don't think anything could ever sway Blankenhorn to the reality
"the great majority of stepfathers" deserve to hear and feel the R word
from their stepchildren that they have spent years, not weeks or
months, providing for. So, what's the R word? Respect.
I personally challenge Blankenhorn to reconsider his twisted views on
stepfathers and stepfamilies. For him to completely discount the
years of sacrifice that stepfathers make, particularly when the
biological father is out of the picture, stinks. Real bad.
It cannot go unchallenged.
I imagine Blankenhorn is too sophisticated and "educated" to listen to
either country music or rap music. Blankenhorn could learn
something from Brad Paisley and Shaquille O'Neal. Blankenhorn
could surely learn something profound by having a cup of coffee or two
with an actual living and breathing stepfather.
He would learn that we're human.
Zizza writes regularly about stepfathers and
stepfamilies. Zizza also serves as the Vice President of the
State of Georgia for the non-profit organization, Parents For Label and Drug Free Education.
Read Zizza's "Think Twice" column at: http://www.ablechild.org/newsarchive.htm
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