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Fitting It In: A Baby Bonding Guide For Dads |
When my husband Matt and I were first married, he was your typical Wall
Street cool guy. He drove too fast, laughed too hard, and worked too
much. He was a good guy though, and the thrill-seeking edginess was
(and still can be) pretty attractive. Of course, after I became
pregnant, I looked at my workaholic speed-demon and wondered: Is
someone seriously going to call this guy "Daddy?"
As the pregnancy furthered, so did my reading of parenting books like
Touchpoints by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton. According to Dr. Brazelton, "Not
only do school-aged children demonstrate significant gains in their IQ
in families where the father was involved with them as infants, but
they show more sense of humor, longer attention spans, and more
eagerness for learning." Naturally, I feared how I'd get my fast-track
husband out of his Porsche and into the nursery to bond with our
daughter. As it turned out, he showed me my fears were unfounded.
Like most new dads, Matt was definitely "freaked out" when we first
brought Alexandra home, but in his own time, he discovered his talents.
Whenever she was colicky-and I was at my wit's end-he would pop the car
seat into the Porsche and drive around until she stopped crying and
fell asleep. He loved being able to soothe her, and reveled in the
one-on-one time. Sometimes bonding is just a matter of discovering what
you're good at and doing it. Taking baby for a ride in your sports car
up the Henry Hudson Parkway at 2AM can be the fast-track to bonding.
As Alex got older, she began to enjoy more raucous play with her
father, but there were times when she cried for me in the midst of
their fun. I was concerned that Matt would feel rejected. He had
expended so much energy trying to make this beautiful girl laugh, only
to hear she wanted someone else, but he surprised me. Instead of
feeling rejected, he took it upon himself to learn to read her signals
better.
According to Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau in their book Secrets of the
Baby Whisperer for Toddlers, "When you toss her in the air, if she
cries for her mum, that tells you she's unhappy. Change whatever you're
doing." Matt realized it wasn't necessarily "Mommy" Alex needed, but
rather Mommy's softer voice and quieter games. He began to quiet their
play or read a story whenever he noticed Alex becoming stressed.
Recognizing and responding to your children's needs build their trust
in you. Now Alex asks her father to kiss her "boo-boos" as well as to
roughhouse in Central Park.
Matt also learned to make creative career choices that enable him to
spend more time at home. During the first year, he still had many
after-hours appointments, but he scheduled them later in the evening,
so he could tuck Alex into bed before heading back to midtown. Now that
bedtime is too late to schedule subsequent appointments, he will work a
day from home during a busy week or after a business trip. Thinking
outside the box when it comes to a demanding work schedule is a choice
you can make to be with your child.
The bond between my husband and my daughter is based on colic-soothing
drives out of the city, wild games and quiet stories on the grass in
Central Park, and warm kisses goodnight before business dinners in
Midtown. It's something they developed with only a quiet nod of support
and approval from me. I let go of my infant enough so he could take her
for a drive when I was too tired to soothe her crying. I held back when
he said, "Hon, I've got her," even though she cried out for me. And I
encouraged both his career ambitions and his desire to be home by never
laying on the guilt and always applauding his efforts, even on the
crazy days when I wished they amounted to more. He still works a lot,
and I know he still drives too fast because Alex yells, "Go Car Go!"
just a little too excitedly when they head for the parking garage on a
Sunday morning. But because of him, she's braver, she's brighter, and
together they laugh way too much.
Dads and Dads-to-Be, bonding with your child is crucial to their
development, but it doesn't have to happen in a nursery. It happens in
the back of a German sports car or in the park with a story book, or
sometimes in the quick hour between appointments. I worried that I had
to get my husband out of his Porsche to connect with our daughter, but
as you can see, that was ridiculous. The baby seat fit right in. Find
the thing you love to do with your child and do it as often as
possible. Learn his signals and quiet down when he needs you to.
Schedule your dinner around goodnight kisses. Above all, jump in. It's
the thrill of a lifetime.
Christen Fisher is a freelance writer living in the New York City area with her husband, 2 year-old daughter, and assorted pets.
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