For Expecting Fathers, Don't Expect an Immediate Connection
I never really expected to have children - mostly because I was
terrified at the prospect of being a father. My friends and family
didn't have any doubts about whether I would be a good father -
apparently, I had a monopoly on the doubt market.
My wife was so ready to have children she had what I call baby sense;
when we walked down the street she could close her eyes and tell me
where each baby was, what it was wearing, and how old they were. When I
walked down the street, I was happy if I saw the baby after she told me
where it was. Her body was telling her it was time, mine was saying...
nothing. When she got pregnant, she was excited and anxious. I was
scared and terrified.
I remember during her entire pregnancy of our twins, my wife could feel
a strong bond developing with our children, while I spent several
months in shock. There was so much going on with her body from the
pregnancy, but for me everything was the same. It wasn't until about
six or seven months that I began to feel like I would be ready by
the time they were born.
When they were born almost ten weeks early and we had to go home
without them, we were both distraught. We visited them in the hospital
every day. My wife felt like a part of her was missing, that it was
terribly wrong to not have them home. I didn't feel that sense of loss
and I thought it meant there was something wrong with me as a father.
Maybe I shouldn't have kids like I believed all along.
The problem was that I felt no immediate emotional connection with my
children when they were born. How can you miss what you never had? But
what did that say about me as a father? I knew I loved them and would
do anything I could to care for them. But I felt a strange emptiness, a
blankness inside. I knew we were related but they didn't feel like
mine. I knew I loved them, but I didn't feel it. If I was a good father
then I would feel an immediate connection with my children, right? This
lack of connection meant there was something wrong with me - especially
since my wife had such an obviously strong connection with them.
This disconnected feeling got worse because we had decided I would work
to make money and she would stay with our babies. While my wife stayed
home she developed an even stronger relationship with our children,
while I had to go to work every day - spending more time away from them
and making it that much harder to develop a connection. As the rest of
my family got closer, I felt more and more on the outside and more
disconnected from my children and my wife.
I remember thinking, Now I understand how fathers can leave their
families after a baby is born. The fact that I could relate to that
feeling upset me so much. Most of what I felt in those first few months
was fear, pressure, responsibility and exhaustion with almost no
warmth, love, or sense of closeness. I felt inadequate and even useless
as a father. I thought if I disappeared it wouldn't matter. The only
reason I left work at a decent time was because I knew my wife needed
my help. I would still take the local subway home just to have a few
extra minutes to myself. I even lost the closeness with my wife because
she was so involved with our babies. Ironically, if we hadn't had
twins, I think it would have been even worse. At least with two, I was
always holding one, developing a connection, while my wife held the
other. With one, there would have been a lot of time when I was home
where I still wouldn't have been involved or necessary.
I have learned that many fathers also have this experience, but are
afraid to talk about it. Not talking about it creates a sense of shame,
as if there really is something wrong with a father (or a mother) who
doesn't feel an immediate connection to their baby. But instead of
giving up, fathers need to remain involved and create opportunities for
that connection with their baby to develop. If you experience something
similar, that doesn't mean you're a bad father or that you don't or
can't love your child. It means while you probably understand on some
level that you love your new baby, you may not yet feel the tremendous
sense of love and connection you thought you would or should feel. What
many fathers don't realize is that this connection often only comes
with time. In many ways, you need to get to know your new baby and she
needs to get to know you. While your partner experienced your baby
growing inside her for nine months, she only became a reality for you
when she was born. Soon you will look at her face and see it scrunch a
certain way or see the way her eyes blink or the way she moves her arms
when she hears a sound and something will flutter in your chest. Before
you know it, you will feel such a strong connection you will have
trouble remembering life before your child was born when you didn't
feel this way.
Try not to let any day go by without special Daddy Time. You and your
partner can set up a specific time everyday that you always have with
your child - special Daddy time. And make sure everyone in your
families know, so no one intrudes upon that special time. Special Daddy
Time can involve any number of things including:
* Hold your baby. You don't have to do anything. Just hold her. Ever
heard of kangaroo care? It is when you hold your baby bare chest to
bare chest. Newborns - especially premature babies - really benefit
from being close to you and also your warmth (your body heat, really).
You can sit anywhere you are comfortable and either take your shirt off
or wear a shirt you can unbutton and just lay her or hold her so her
chest touches your chest. Put a blanket over her so she stays warm. To
make it even more special, read to her. It doesn't really matter what
you read or say to her as long as she hears the sound of your voice and
feels your warmth. She may even fall asleep like that.
* Feed your baby if possible (if your partner is breastfeeding, ask her
to pump a little bit every day so you can give your baby a bottle -
just the two of you sharing some Daddy time). She needs to know that
you, too, can take care of her hunger needs.
* Taking a walk with her in a baby carrier (Baby Bjorn, etc.) or if you don't have one of those, take her out in a stroller
* Read or talk or sing to your baby. She needs to her the sound of your
voice so anything you read is most likely fine. Sports Illustrated, an
Abraham Lincoln biography, really anything (try not to read her you're
work papers, ugh).
* Hold your partner while she holds your baby. This is another good way to build intimacy - closeness - in your family.
* Trimming her nails - babies nails grow pretty fast and cause quite a
bit of damage to themselves and their parents. You'd be doing everyone
a favor. And you don't have to use nail clippers - try using a nail
filer to file them down a bit so they won't be so sharp.
These are the things that I did. I know it helped me to spend more
quality time with my children, but I wasn't sure if it was helping
them. Then Jordyn and Elijah smiled at me. I believe the first months
are hardest for men also because a baby in its first few months doesn't
do anything, but needs a lot. They are difficult to relate to and
holding can get a little boring after awhile. But when they started to
smile and react a little bit, I was able to begin to relate back to
them and this truly began our relationship. Mothers get a head start on
connecting and building a relationship with babies. With men it can
often take time to build a relationship with their baby - just like it
does with any one. When it's time to pick up my little girl to put her
into her crib now, she reaches out for me and when I tell Elijah to
have a good night's sleep and that Daddy loves him, his crying often
subsides. I thought it would be like this right from the beginning. I
didn't realize I would have to work so hard to build this connection.
It has its challenges, too. Leaving for work in the morning is like a
scab on my heart that I keep reopening, and when they cry after I say
goodbye, I ache with the pain I am causing them. But coming home at
night and hearing "Da-Dee," "Da-Dee," has made me realize I was wrong
all along. I really do want to be a Daddy. Jeremy Schneider, MFT, earned his master's in
marriage and family therapy from Hahnemann University in Philadelphia.
Mr. Schneider was founder and executive director of Empowering Children
and Families, a Philadelphia-based non-profit organization fostering
the confidence in individuals to create stronger families from 1994 -
1998. He currently sees clients in Manhattan and has written a series
of articles on his experiences as a father of twins born in December
2002. He lives in Long Island with his wife, Giokazta (pronounced
Jo-casta), and their boy-girl twins, Elijah and Jordyn. For more
information, visit www.jgs.net or to contact him directly, email him at
