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Things They Didn't Tell You about Fatherhood |
It's the Super Bowl, the seventh game of the World Series, the Daytona 500.
Preparing for fatherhood is like getting ready for the big game.
You have to understand your offense (abilities), your defense
(limitations) and your bench (other resources) . You also have to know
your opponent - in this case, your future new baby. OK, so the baby is
not really an opponent, at least not until the teenage years, but
preparation is still key.
Going out to buy baby furniture, clothes and toys, babyproofing your
house, sending off for information about college funds that you'll fail
to invest in for the next decade: it's just routine game prep, like
sharpening your spikes or stealing the other team's playbook.
Now that we've been fathers for a collective four years, we've noted a few THINGS THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU.
Most people offer three simple pieces of advice to prospective fathers:
1. You're going to love it;
2. It's a lot of work; and
3. Your life is going to change.
Others often throw out a mere "you'll see" with a smirk. That smirk is
the proverbial secret handshake of the brotherhood of fathers, in which
members are sworn not to reveal all the THINGS THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU.
We herewith break that vow. So, for future fathers, here are some of those THINGS THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU
Changing diapers is often a near-death experience. If the sight
of an almost inexplicable quantity doesn't drop you to your knees, then
the smell will. Disposing of the diaper can pose an added
problem. Those devices designed for odor reduction have been
known to take off the hand of an untrained dad. A full-body
biomechanical suit is recommended attire for this hazardous duty.
Small children can hurt you. Badly. They don't mean too, but they
can. The unexpected toy crashing into your shins, the
inadvertent sippy cup to the back of the head or the well-placed kick
to the crotch has caused many fathers to realize that the little one
packs a mean punch.
Your eating habits will change. Pizza, burger and beer will have
to wait. You'll learn to eat those things that you've forgotten
about - green beans and cantaloupe, for example.
A child between 18 months and three years has more energy than the
average cub scout pack. From the time their little feet hit the
ground in the morning until they reluctantly hit the sack at night,
they create a whole new kind of natural disaster. Picture a tornado
touching down after a category five hurricane wipes out what little
house was left after a tsunami. That's if you only have one child. The
average two-year old can ransack a room in less than 20 minutes.Your
kitchen floor will never be clean again. Food will show up in the
strangest forms in the strangest places you can possibly imagine.
Expect to dig food items from between your toes at least once a week.
And remember, if the kid finds something on the floor and eats it
before you can intervene, it's protein.
Putting in a car seat requires a master's degree in engineering.
Buckles, bolts and straps that would confound Houdini. Solution?
Let your wife handle this one. She has more patience and will at
least read the directions.
Children imitate what fathers do and say, and then repeat them at any given time or place. Enough said.
Regardless of some of the things that fathers didn't know before the
little tyke arrives, there is nothing that compares to the joy that
children can bring to fatherhood. Looking into your child's eyes
as you lay her down for bed at night and feeling the love and affection
makes all the dirty diapers in the world tolerable - well, perhaps not
the one with corn and collards. We won't be making that mistake again.
Andy Altizer has a 21 month old daughter
named Zoë who was adopted from China. He and his wife Anne live
in Atlanta. Roby Hill has a 28-month old daughter named
Carly. He and his wife Betsy life in Charleston, S.C.
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