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Fatherhood: A Reason To Continue With Life |
Fatherhood is a very important task. Risking the ire of feminist, I
would say that it is the foundation upon which civilization rests. Not
to diminish Motherhood, for with out mothers there would be no people.
My wife and I were married on June 30th 1990 after a year and a half
engagement. We were both virgins and were much happier for having
waited. It made our intimate times together much more easy not having
to worry about the past.
We knew from the start that we would not be able to have children on
our own because of a medical chromosomal defect my wife had. We set in
motion the wheels of adoption.
One hot August morning about 3 years after our wedding I received a
call at work from my Mother -in law saying that I needed to come to the
emergency room-my wife was hemorrhaging internally. This was the
beginning of her 12 year long battle with this mysterious disease that
would eventually take her from me.
She survived this first bout and we adopted our first child, our
daughter. After 2 more life threatening bouts with hemorrhaging (one
including a 105 mph ambulance ride down the interstate to the
hospital) and the adoption of our second daughter my wife was
finally diagnosed with end stage liver disease (November 17th) and
given one year without a transplant. On December 17th I took her down
to the emergency room because I noticed a change in her already poor
condition. They admitted her to the ICU for critical liver failure
patients waiting for transplantation (We had just learned that Miami
medical center had accepted her in their program). That Monday
(December 20th) I was in the ICU waiting room when they called me to
the room at 4:00 AM. They stated that they needed my permission to put
her on life support and to call in the family which I did. Around 8:45
that morning I left my wife's side to explain to my girls that their
mother was extremely sick and that she was dieing and that the doctors
had told me there was nothing else they could do.
My father-in-law appeared around the corner and told that I needed to
get back upstairs because my wife had very little time left. I was too
late. I never got to tell her how much I loved her one last time. When
I entered the room I could tell she had gone. Although her body was
there I could not feel her presence-She simply was not there.
The next few days are still a blur. I made arrangements with the
funeral home with guidance of some very good friends. About 3 hours
before the wake it began to ice over in Memphis. It was the first time
in 30 years that it had snowed in Memphis at Christmastime. My wife
knew how much I wanted a white Christmas-it was her final Christmas
present to me.
I am still waiting for things to return to "normal"-they have not and
never will. What was normal for us is no longer. It cannot return.
There is a new reality in the lives of my daughters and I-one that does
not include my loving wife and their mother.
My hope in writing this and hopefully future articles is to show other
men out there that they are not alone in their new realities with out
their beloved wives by their sides. I don't pretend to have all the
answers. In fact right now- I have NO answers-only questions.
This woman was my soul mate and my teacher. In her loving ways she
taught me about God, about being fair, about the sanctity of life
(especially of babies still in the womb) and about life in general. She
set me on the right course. Without her I shudder to think where I
might be now. I truly believe that our meeting and our life together
was no mere statistical aberration. There was divine guidance there. I
can point to numerous events in my life that lead me to her. One in
particular dealt with a young woman that I was seeing prior to meeting
my wife. This woman and I had been moving to rapidly toward a physical
relationship. On the evening that this relationship would have passed
the point of no return I showed up for the date feeling ill. After
speaking with her for a few moments in the dorm lobby I became so ill
that I could barely stand. We decided that we should not have our date
that night. The speed at which the illness came upon me was
astonishing. The more I pursued the encounter the harder the illness
pressed down on me until I finally broke. By God's grace I made it home
and collapsed into bed. The next day I was diagnosed with
mononucleosis. I was knocked out flat for 2 weeks straight. Again by
the Grace of God this young woman dumped me. God had to take out His
proverbial 2 x 4 and hit me across the back of the head to make me
stop. He literally pinned me down for 2 weeks to keep me on course to
my destiny. He then blessed me with this wonderful woman and two of the
most wonderful children a man could ever have. He conferred upon me the
title of father. I was not always the best father I could be and
thankfully when those times occurred my wife was there to remind me
with sometimes astonishing anger (justifiable) but without ever being
mean or belittling.
After 41 years of life I am still not sure of my purpose in life, but I
do know that it has something to do with being a father. It has
something to do with raising my daughters to love and serve the Lord
and work toward making America a better place in His name. It has
something to do with being a man who is a father and is speaking out
against things taking place in our society now that are harming our
children, our families and our nation. It has something to do with
standing in the breach protecting my family and others from the evils
of this world. It has something to do with speaking the truth through
all the lies of this world. However, I do know that it was my wife that
lead me to this point-she lead me to this mindset of being the
protector and provider for my family. God used her as the catalyst to
bring me to Him and His purpose for me. Maybe that was her purpose. I
do know that she is at peace with the Lord. By God's grace I have been
blessed beyond measure to have had a wife like her.
Thankful to God Almighty.
Joe Miller
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