"One of the main reason most parents do not know how to convey their
love to their teenagers is because teenagers, like younger children are
behaviorally oriented. Adult are primarily verbally oriented," Dr. Ross
Campbell says in his book "How to really love your Teenager."
The best I can do is try to love them. And that what Dr. Campbell
say...unconditional love. Remember that stuff? That's how God is supposed
to love us? And I'm sure that God gets annoyed, as I get annoyed, but
at night I find myself talking more to God, and telling him how much I
love him. At those God-fearing moments, it's as if I'm in synch with my
13-year-old who's given me another reason to ground him. It's as if I'm
linked with my 13-year-old young man who's hurt me, and can't contain
how that hurts him. It's as if, when I talk to God, my 13-year-old is
the recipient of the prayer, help me to understand you more. I'm not
sure if at that moment I'm talking to God or to my son. All I know both
are humbling experiences.
When our son is good. He is good. He talks well, he behaves well. But
he has so much energy it's unnerving. Then I think about myself, even
today, I have to stay busy. I have to be doing something. And part of
doing something is reading about what makes teenagers, especially boys,
tick. Society has pigeonholed them into what they cannot do, that many
of them don't have an outlet to even know what they can.
Think about it. If your son doesn't play sports, how can he get some of
that exploding testosterone out of his body? He can't stay in bed or
the bathroom forever. So what can they do? That's why play is so
important to dads and sons. That's how we principally communicate and
connect. That's how we show them who we are and learn something about
who they are.
As researchers look at the ways fathers connect, they find that the
three levels of connection for men are based on something I've talked
about before: interaction, accessibility and responsibility.
As men, we have a responsibility to our community, our families, and
particularly to our sons to make sure they know we care for them,
despite their behavior. We have the responsibility to make sure they
know there are things we will not tolerate. We owe that to society and
the legacy we leave their children, because what we allow them to get
away with, will become a tradition for some.
Being interactive cannot be overemphasized. As dads, we can do this on
many levels. We can interact with them at their schools, with their
friends. If you don't know your kids' friends, you don't know your
kids. It's often said that men and their children communicate best when
they play. Play can be a form of work, and showing them a good work
ethic through play provides them with a picture of a good provider.
And none of this can be done unless you're not accessible.
Accessibility says it all for me. I can preach all I want. I can tell
you to do this, and ways to do that, but if you're not there
physically, it can't be done. If you're not there mentally, it's not
going to happen. So we have to take it upon ourselves to make ourselves
available. We have to stop the poker games, turn off the TV, and know
their friends' names and the names of their teachers so they know we
care. And we do.
All of you who read this care. I care. But sometimes I'm incapable of
showing it. I get angry because I'm not appreciated. I get angry
because they're in their own world. I get angry because they only want
me around when they need me. But at least I can comfort myself knowing
they know I'm here when they're in need. Then is when I can be
responsible for being accessible so we can grow and interact, as they
become men.
"Here's a test, to see if your mission in life is complete. If you're alive, then it isn't."
Richard Bach, author Jonathan Livingston Seagull
Archie Wortham
Husband of Suzie
Father of Jeremy and Myles
Columnist & Teacher
[210] 921-5324/945-9764
Archie Wortham lives with his wife, Suzan of 23 years, and their two
sons Myles (12), and Jeremy (16) in Universal City, Texas, a suburb of
San Antonio. Retired from the military in 1996, for nine years he wrote
a dad's column originally called "Jeremy's Dad," then called
"Jeremyles' Dad," named after both his sons. He now writes a column in
San Antonio called "Men 2 Fathers." Archie also maintains the Fatherhood site,
you may contact him by email at
