|
|
 |
|
Written by Ray Dennis
|
Anyone marrying a woman who already has children had better be
prepared. You are about to open a can of worms that only The Lord can
straighten out. I thought I had all the answers. I have read the
instruction book, I am the head of my household ... God said so; and
that is all there is to it. Right? Wrong!
All the best intentions and scriptures in the world will not help you
if you have suddenly become a stepfather to today's teen. Not without
prayer, prayer, prayer ... and information from experts in applying
these Biblical principles. (Psalm 1:1)
I married my wife because of her personality and devotion to the Lord.
Having three failed marriages, I was very careful in getting involved
with anyone who wasn't sold out to the Lord. Having found, by the Grace
of God, this woman, I mistakenly thought that her 16 year old son would
just accept the way things are because God said so. Wrong again.
Today's teens are probably under spiritual attack more so and to a
higher degree than any generation before. Satan seems bent on the total
destruction of the world's youth. Teens are under more pressure today
than anytime in history that I am aware of. Many experts seem to agree.
This doesn't mean that you have to give in to a teen, or somehow let
them undermine your position in the home. It just means you have to
apply it with wisdom and guidance from Biblical perspective, and expert
advice.
Then there is the issue of resentment that all stepchildren suffer
toward their new stepparent. Any child old enough to remember their
home before it broke apart will resent and even hate this interloper
who has suddenly been thrust upon them. And no matter how long the
courtship, it will probably feel sudden to them. Preparation is the key
to success. I hope that you have invested a great deal of time in
getting your future blended family to know one another. The
stepchildren wield a lot of power that you will be better off
recognizing and utilizing in your behalf from the start of the
courtship. If you can get to know them and they get to like you before
they feel threatened, so much the better.
(A word of caution: ALWAYS BE YOURSELF. Don't change after you get
married. This holds as true with children as it does with your future
mate.)
Nobody likes to feel like they have fallen for a forgery. If you have
taken time to try to get to know them, and even if they claim they like
you, it will all change after you say "I do". That's when you crossed
the line. Every child of a broken home holds a deep-seated hope that
Mom and Dad will someday be together again. In the case of the death of
a parent, there will still be resentment of this outsider coming in,
especially when the child is older. As far as they are concerned, "me
and mom are doing just fine on our own".
For my stepson, it was a little sudden. He met me only two months
before the wedding, as his mother and I were carrying out a long
distance courship. Then I made the mistake of moving in with them after
the wedding. He felt very secure on his own turf, and I found myself in
a losing battle of wills, late night TV, loud music, disrespect for his
mother and I both, and refusing to pick up after himself. When we moved
to my home, I thought I had a chance. Wrong again.
Now the resentment deepened. It may have been much better if we had
moved to a place new to everyone. Somewhere that would put everyone on
an even footing and less intimidating to the children. The thing is
with stepchildren; you have to earn their respect more than with your
own children. A stepchild doesn't have the opportunity to grow up
knowing you and trusting you from day one. It is much easier being
worthy of respect, then earning it from an adolescent whom is hostile
toward you.
One of the mistakes I made was in assuming headship before he was
willing to give it to me. His mother and I should have had a well
thought out plan and agreement as to how discipline was to be invoked,
through her with my silent backing. A stepchild will try the "divide
and conquer" attack. As far as they are concerned, if Mom takes their
side, they have won, and the head of the house just went to the bottom
of the food chain.
Your first and last defense from resentment and hostility is prayer,
followed by consistency. I would highly recommend a prayer partner
outside of the family. Your pastor, or a brother who can be praying
with you and for you. Do not use as your prayer partner any of your
family. This can build animosity against your spouse, no matter how
hard we try not to. We are only human, and sinful in nature, so don't
put your spouse in a spot where she could feel alienated by her in-laws!
Your next defense is to have a working agreement with your wife about
yours, mine, and ours. This agreement should always follow Biblical
principles for the household. You must be in agreement and pray
together, and the Lord will guide you to the right solution for every
problem if you earnestly desire and seek His will and direction. I know
that my wife and I would have been divorced after only a few months
without this earnest seeking of God's will and direction. Our children
resented our marriage, and in some ways actively attempted to cause as
much dissention and strife as necessary to break us apart. It was only
our commitment to God's principles and the Lord's intervention that
brought us through.
This issue of yours, mine, and ours will be a changing and developing
relationship between stepparents and stepchildren as the family grows
and bonds over time. At first stepchildren will challenge their
stepfather's Biblical authority in the home. They do not feel that you
can "order" them around. After all, mom married you ... they didn't.
Your wife will feel like she is in the middle of a battle that is a no
win situation for her, if you try too hard to get her "on your side".
Prayer and a calm discussion are the best ways to diffuse any conflict.
I used to tell my stepson to go to his room until I calmed down. While
he cooled off, I would also be cooling down, and discussing the issue
with my wife. Then he and I , with his mother, would hash out whatever
had arisen. Sometimes this would maker her feel that she needed to
defend her son, even if he was wrong. It's a mother's instinct, and
instincts come up suddenly, then you are an attacker, not the man of
the house. A cool head and prayer will always prevail. And remember the
intent of Scripture for the head of the house is to be a leader ... not
a tyrant.
Shared beliefs between a husband and wife, based on strong Biblical
principle, is the foundation for successful step-parenting, and
marriage. Love and compassion, balances authority, and must be
delivered calmly and consistently. Family time in prayer and Bible
study, and just having fun is so very much an important part of
blending a family. One of the highest priorities any man can give his
family, is leading them in prayer and Bible study. This one act, mended
wounds and drew my family closer together in spite of my many mistakes.
When I would open God's word and be man enough to tell the kids that
I'm sorry, when I was in the wrong, was the single act that earned me
more respect then any other.
"Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving
honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs
together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love
as brethen, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or
railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are
therunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. For he that will
love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and
his lips that they speak no gile."
The KJV (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.
|
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
LATEST ARTICLES ON FATHERVILLE |
|
|
|
MOST RECENT FORUM POSTINGS |
|
|
|
MOST READ ARTICLES ON FATHERVILLE |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
