"It's high time your grandmother learned to be proud of the grandson
she's got, rather than the one she thinks she ought to have," Professor
McGonagall tells Neville Longbottom in J. K. Rowling's "Harry Potter
& the Half Blood Prince."
Is the grass always greener on the other side? As one person put
it, it may be, but it still needs cutting. Often times we find
ourselves in life wishing we had something somebody else has, and in
the process not appreciate the things we have. Marriages can be
that way. Kids can be that way.
I don't know how many times I hear about what we don't have, or how
happy so and so seem to be. I hear this in retrospect to the
following: we have a good home; we live in a nice neighborhood;
we don't have debt; I have a job, no major vices. I don't gamble,
cheat, drink or smoke. Neither does my wife. To many men, and some
women, this would be heaven. But as I said before, the grass can
seem greener somewhere else, even though some people may not even have
grass.
What causes this phenomenon? I don't know. But it's high
time husbands and wives learn to appreciate and be proud of the person
they married, rather than the one they think got away.
Same things with kids! Granted they don't always listen,
especially if they are teenagers. But ask yourself, did you
listen? Do you even listen now when your spouse tried to tell you
they are missing something in the relationship? Be happy your
kids show respect when they are with others, and are polite when others
come over. Be happy your kids tell you they love you, when some
kids don't even know what that word mean. In short, be happy.
Marriages last because of commitment. The vows tell you there
will be bad times. But many people don't want that. They
listen to gurus. They listen to people prone to serial marriages
[if you don't satisfy my needs, I'll keep looking]. Men and women
get caught up in the idea that everything has to be perfect, or like
they see on TV, in books, or the movies, but it's not that way.
And why? Because it just isn't. Marriages last because of
work.
I love my wife. Sometimes I can't stand to be around her, and
believe me; I know the feeling is mutual, because we have discussed
it. Sometimes we voice the sincere hope that things could be
different, but realize we have made our beds, and it's up to us to lie
in them separately or together. It's not so much, we question why
we're still married, but rather, it's why we got married. But
since we can't go back in time, we try to make it work as best we can,
as we see others give up.
When times are bad, we reach out to others, and over time, we have
learned we are the best at solving our problems ourselves. When
we can't connect, we find a way to meld our truths together as we
reflect over what we have, versus what we don't have. Many times,
I have to remind my wife we don't know the truths of other apparently
happier couples. Making it work is work, and sometimes painful.
What makes your wife feel important? You need to find that out.
Try to keep it written down somewhere so you can revisit it, when you
need to, and believe me you will. What makes her feel
special? Again, it's an exercise to minimize the boredom.
Many times that's what pushes marriages to the brink of divorce because
of irreconcilable differences. We can thank Hollywood for
that. You have to learn to sometimes just sit, be there, and have
no expectations other than be willing to keep your vows.
The same is with your kids. They are not toys or trophies.
They are real people too, and don't use them against each other.
You don't use them to help you ‘tell your side.' In short, don't
use them and more importantly, don't let them use you to get back at
mom or dad. Kids understand the dynamics more than we give them
credit, so don't let them.
Pray. I cannot and will not underemphasize this. I ask
people to pray for us, collectively as a couple and a family. I also
ask for them to pray for me, and other men. You can do that now,
when you read this. There is power there, and I firmly believe
that is the only reason my wife and I have made it this far. She
doesn't believe in prayer, doesn't go to church anymore, and professes
to not even believe anymore. My bad. I thought she did when
we got married, and God humbles me through her as I accept the hope and
believe I'm where He wants me to be.
It's hard not wanting her to be someone else, but God reminds me as
Professor McGonagall reminded her student, I need to be happy with the
grass in my yard. I need to be happy with all the things my wife
is, and in loving her, pray that God will bless me as I help her see
the value of His commitment to all of us. It's a way to reconcile
differences.
So this week, if you can take nothing else from Men 2 Fathers, take the
power God has given you. Nurture and love your families, and pray for
His love and guidance as you ask others to do likewise for you.
And brothers, pray for me too, as I try to understand this path God has
me on becoming a better husband and father, the real route of being a
man.
Archie Wortham lives with his wife, Suzan of 23 years, and their two
sons Myles (12), and Jeremy (16) in Universal City, Texas, a suburb of
San Antonio. Retired from the military in 1996, for nine years he wrote
a dad's column originally called "Jeremy's Dad," then called
"Jeremyles' Dad," named after both his sons. He now writes a column in
San Antonio called "Men 2 Fathers." Archie also maintains the Fatherhood site,
you may contact him by email at
