"Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed," Maria Montessori tells us. Sometimes parents confuse wanting their kids to succeed with not wanting to be viewed as a failure as a parent.
As has been my tradition for several years I do a series for the holidays. Parenting is important to me, and so are traditions. I say that as I mull over how important giving our children the tools to grow, rather than holding them back with our dreams of being what we want them to be. There is no better time to look at this band-aid approach than during the holidays. It's the only time many of us get to see our kids. And for those of us who still have our kids in school, there's a holiday from school, and many of us don't know what to do with it.
So I challenge you with this, the first of my four-part holiday series to reflect on the earlier comments. They are going to grow up, have a holiday of their own making, and learn Christmas is about sharing, growing, and turning loose.
How many times have we faced the arduous task of doing something for one of our children that they can do for themselves? Can they wash their own clothes? Do their homework? What about decorate the tree? These are simple tasks, but become more complicated as they grow because often we don't share the belief they can do them, or we simply feel by doing it for them, we'll keep them from growing up. You know you're right. Thats why there are so many adult kids at home, right now, sponging off mom and dad because we didn't allow them to become grown.
Growing happens through stages. Regardless of your holiday traditions, growth happens over time. Whether you travel through religions like some people take vacations, or whether your heart is deeply planted in the faith you were gifted as children, you cannot help growing. Try to put on the diaper you wore when you were a kid, or the clothes you wore in high school. Growth happens. And faith! Believe me, faith is a gift. It keeps you grounded and focused. When I have been my worst, it was my faith that helped me conquer unsheltered waters. We need to share this as we let our kids grow.
Turning our kids loose is another issue. I cannot imagine how I could be loved so deeply and without reservation, that someone would give someone they loved as deeply as I love my sons for me. Ive done some terrible things. But this season allows me an opportunity to reflect on my own goodness. A goodness that comes from realizing I was worth the price God gave for me to live eternally.
Thats what this season is all about. And God did this by not helping Jesus with things He knew Jesus could do on his own. God did not worry about trusting His son to succeed at bringing comfort to many like me, so I could realize that my life is not filled with burdens to bear, but rather blessings to share. It is a season to remember that God either changes our situation or changes us. And those changes can come in many different scenarios. It could be a birth, a death, a marriage a divorce or a letter or note from someone who's trying to make a difference.
Many times kids learn the value of important things, because of the things they don't have. Many times kids learn responsibility because they are given the opportunity to be responsible. Many times parents fail to learn that by sheltering their kids, they keep them from growing up and where's the salvation in that?
Gary Player, a South African who grew up in poverty once said, I used to take my shoes off so they could last longer. I remember my uncle cutting insoles out of cardboard so my shoes would last longer. I remember another time being given shoes that hurt my foot I was told wear them and be happy they didnt have holes in them.
We all have our story and the moral is to stop. Stop going into debt to give our kids something they don't need. Stop shying away from the idea that they made exceed us in life. As parents, we need to realize if we don't push them out of the house, we will have them there far beyond the holidays.
And why am I choosing this season to push this issue? Because if you haven't seen the handwriting on the wall, get glasses. Kids are coming home in droves. Kids are blaming their parents for not allowing them to grow up, and the blame includes binge drinking in college, unwanted pregnancies or drug use. It's always our fault no matter what we do, but like Jesus realized, dad, your will be done.
So this Christmas have a heart to heart talk with your kids about where they are going in life. As a stocking stuffer, give them a map, and ask them to tell you where they expect to be in 5, 10, or 20 years. Then think about what you need to not do to get them there. We want them to be known for the content of their character. Character personified by doing the right thing when no one is looking.
Have faith. Trust them. Moreover dads, remember our job is to not only train them, but not help them with the tasks we have trained them well enough to succeed. Thats another way as fathers we become men by turning loose as this season should remind. God turned Jesus loose and look at what happened. Archie Wortham lives with his wife, Suzan of 19 years, and their two
sons Myles (8), and Jeremy (12) in Universal City, Texas, a suburb of
San Antonio. Retired from the military in 1996, for nine years he wrote
a dad's column originally called "Jeremy's Dad," then called
"Jeremyles' Dad," named after both his sons. He now writes a column in
San Antonio called "Men 2 Fathers." Archie also maintains the http://fatherhood.ibelieve.com Fatherhood site,
you may contact him by email at
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