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A Father's Place Is In The Home |
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Written by Hogan Hilling
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When my wife, Tina, and I decided to have me become the stay-at-home parent in January of 1991, most people lamented on what our children would miss by not having their mother home to care for them, never giving thought to the possible benefits of having me as the primary care taker.
Without question there exists an undeniable bond that develops during pregnancy between mother and child that a father cannot match.
However, my nine-year tenure as a stay-at-home dad has proved that the biological advantage a mother has with a baby does not necessarily translate into an emotional advantage.
Furthermore, it also proves that nurturance is not just a natural gift or ability that mothers or fathers innately acquire.
It also calls for development, in which nurturing skills are learned and practiced, as well.
Like all mothers do, I had to learn how to hold, feed, dress, calm and nurture my first child during his early childhood years.
As time passed, caring for the next two children became second nature to me. By virtue of the task itself (caring for my children) my nurturance as a father proved equally as valuable as any mother, but in ways that reflected who I am as a father.
Unlike many adults, my children didn't make gender an issue. They were just happy to have one of their parents home caring for them. They also didn't make preconceived notions on how and what roles mothers and fathers play as parents. They learned that a dad can be just as loving and nurturing as a mom without losing his masculinity, and that it's all right to see mom go to work and dad stay home to care for them. This is especially poignant because I have three boys.
Having me stay home also afforded Tina the luxury of continuing her career as a speech and language pathologist.
And just as I've been successful in my role as the stay-at-home parent, so too, has Tina in her role as the breadwinner of our family.
During my tenure, I've also discovered how people outside my family have benefited. Here are some of the benefits that many people might overlook:
<li>First, several parents noted that I serves as a safeguard against criminal activity. One neighborhood dad said, "Knowing you're around during the day gives me peace of mind." "I believe you provide all the parents with a sense of security and the children with a safe playing haven."
<li>Second, many stay-at-home moms, who I meet with for coffee and pot-luck luncheons at their homes enjoy having me around.
One mother said, "You bring a perspective on fatherhood that I had never realized before. Thanks to you, I now understand my husband a lot better."
<li>Third, once my oldest son, Grant, entered kindergarten, my participation in daily activities during school hours - such as spending time in the classroom and visiting him during lunch time - inspired other fathers to follow suit.
<li>Fourth, I am able to serve as a positive role model for boys whose fathers work long hours and travel a lot due to the nature of their job. And for the children who come from divorced households and don't have fathers in their lives, I am able to serve as a surrogate father.
<li>Fifth, since I don't have daughters, I offer this valuable insight from Jim DiCenzo, another stay-at-home dad: "I've noticed that my newfound relationship with my daughter will prepare her to make sound judgments about the men she will meet and associate with in her life."
<li>Last but not least, I've also benefited from my new-found role as a stay-at-home dad.
Being involved in the daily tasks of caring for our boys and the household has increased the depth and range of my role as a complete father.
But more important, I've gained a greater respect for motherhood and learned to appreciate the privilege of being a stay-at-home parent.
I believe stay-at-home dads have a lot to offer society as a whole, socially and economically.
I say that because of the many stay-at-home dads I've met over the last six years who have worked hard to project a positive image of fathers in the child-care role, an image I hope will be passed on to the next generation with great pride.
Hogan is the proud dad of three children. He lives in Irvine, California with his wife, Tina, and three boys Grant, 14, Wesley, 12, and Matthew, 8.
Hilling appeared in ABC's "Father and Sons" Documentary which aired in 1999 and 2000, and in NBC's Unsung Heroes in 1998. He has also been featured in newspapers like the Los Angeles Times, Orange County Register, New York Times, Washigton Post, and Christian Science Monitor. And in 1995 he received the California Courage to Care Award from Governor Pete Wilson for his efforts in strengthening California families.
After eight years of facilitating open discussion groups for dads in different venues, Hilling founded Proud Dads, Inc.
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