Stuffed animals, especially teddy bears, tend to accumulate whenever
and wherever people have children. Since total quarantine is usually
impractical, most parents have no way of controlling this influx. If
left unchecked, a teddy bear population can exceed reasonable limits of
sustainability, and when a multiplying factor is present (the
appearance of a second baby, for example), it is not uncommon for a
simple teddy bear "collection" to develop into a full-blown herd.
Responsible teddy bear herd management is an essential skill for the
modern Homedaddy. Especially during the early childhood years, when
teddy bears accumulate most rapidly, an effective culling strategy must
be employed in order to maintain the fragile ecosystem of the
household. An oversized teddy bear herd is not only an eyesore, but
also presents serious potential health risks.
The first documented cases of a mysterious degenerative brain disorder
appeared in the 1990's, well after the Beanie Baby craze had become
intractable. Symptoms included dotting the i's with smiley faces, using
modified words like "L'il" and "Shoppe," and a craving for saccharine.
Since the only common link among the patients was their obsession with
teddy bears, the disease was called Textile Ursine Dementia, or
Hallmark's Syndrome.
By now the spread of this disease has reached epidemic proportions, and
the teddy bear link has been established beyond doubt. The
brain-softening effects of Mad Teddy Disease, as it is now known, can
be observed in graphic detail by visiting one of the hundreds of
websites maintained by teddy bear enthusiasts. The most grisly examples
include "I Luv Teddies," which claims to be the first official Canadian
Internet Chapter of The Cherished Teddies Club; "Legends of the Faith
Bears," featuring teddy bears named after people in the bible; and a
page called "Lana's Warm 'N Fuzzies." Although I did not personally
visit this last site, I assume she is talking about her teddy bears.
As if this were not enough, there are other reasons to cull your teddy
bear herd periodically. Excessive amounts of stuffed toys have been
shown to diminish children's appreciation for simple gifts. Herds can
easily outgrow available shelf space and spread across floors, where
they become tripping hazards during late night drinking water
excursions. A child's indecision over which bear to take to bed can
last well into the night.
When making culling selections, a Homedaddy should adhere to certain
practical guidelines. An invasive color such as hot pink or lime green
is an indication of Mad Teddy infection, as is the existence of an
embedded computer chip that causes the toy to sing or utter inane
statements when inadvertently bumped.
A productive teddy bear should command your child's attention for at
least two hours per month. A teddy bear which draws no interest from
the child is known as a "lame" bear in the jargon of Teddy Bear
Husbandry and Herd Management, and should be culled.
The holidays, birthdays, and relatives with poor taste may result in
the need to cull 25 to 50 percent of the teddy bear herd each period.
Culls can be donated to thrift stores, re-packaged as gifts, or
euthanized according to local regulations. There are no special permits
required in most couties to euthanize teddy bears at your home,
although great care should be taken to avoid the possibility of you
children inadvertently witnessing you in the act.
If you're squeamish, you can take them to a teddy bear rendering
facility, which will process them into useful consumer items such as
futon stuffing and NutraSweet®
If all else fails, you could probably ship them of to Lana's Warm 'n Fuzzies. Todd Pinsky writes "Homedaddy" from Santa
Cruz, CA, where he lives with his wife, Julia, and daughters, Emma and
Stella. "Homedaddy" appears in the San Jose Mercury News, and
elsewhere. Feel free to contact Todd Pinsky at
.
