There are lots of divorced and single dads around. And for just about
every one of them, there's a divorced or single mother. Many of these
moms and dads get together and form stepfamilies. There is even a
highly successful, nationwide organization (Parents Without Partners)
that thrives on putting these people together.
This makes sense. Single dads are less likely to be afraid of children
- even someone else's. In fact, they may even long for a close
relationship with stepchildren if their relationship with their own
children is suffering. Likewise, single moms may feel more comfortable
in a relationship with a man who has some parenting experience
Of course, it isn't all that easy. Statistics show that, percentage
wise, about twice as many second marriages end in divorce as first
marriages. The primary reason given for these failed relationships is
the children involved.
Not that it is the children's fault. But clearly, stepfamilies have
unique pressures on them because there are non-biological children
involved. It may be the children themselves who don't like the idea of
another male parent. Or, perhaps, mom has different ideas about how to
raise the children. Things as simple as when the children go to bed,
how they eat their meals or what chores they are responsible for can
lead to major problems.
Here are some suggestions for dads to help make a stepfamily work.
1. DO NOT talk bad about the children's biological father, even if mom
does. Badmouthing either parent leads to major problems with kids.
2. If you don't like being ganged up on, keep your disagreements with
the mother confidential. Don't argue in front of the children. Their
natural instinct will be to defend their biological parent.
3. Remember that the biological parents have the final say in child
rearing decisions. Offer advice when needed or asked but don't get too
involved or everyone will resent you for it.
4. The stepmother and you should work hard at being fair to both your
and her children. Be careful about more Christmas presents going to one
set of kids than another. If, during your parenting time ("visitation")
you want to get away alone with your own children, be sure that either
you or the mother set aside some time alone with her children as well.
5. If, for whatever reason, you find yourself taking care of your
stepchildren a majority of the time, don't be surprised if their mother
considers you more of a babysitter than a father. If you accept this
arrangement, be prepared to be upset and feeling that you are being
taken advantage of. Before it gets out of hand, get a real babysitter.
6. No matter how much you love your stepchildren and how much they love
you, you have no real legal rights to them. Should this marriage end,
you will not have any right to continue your relationship with them
without the mother's permission. If the bio-dad is absent, you may
consider adoption. However, make sure that all the proper notifications
have been made. The Fathers Group Fund strongly opposes adoptions where
the biological father has not been informed, or (usually) where the
biological father objects. Remember that after adoption, if the
marriage ends, you will probably be liable for child support and could
face the same problems maintaining contact with the children as you do
with your biological children.
7. Encourage your children and her, to get along. This may take a lot
of practice, they may be jealous of one another, but it is well worth
it. THE FATHERS GROUP
PO Box 931, Framingham, Massachusetts 01701 MetroWest 508-879-4585
