Blended family is the term used when previously separated parents
remarry and combine families. If you are looking at "blending" consider
these points to facilitate the children's adjustment:
1. Have a suitable courtship period.
The purpose of courtship is to ensure compatibility prior to marriage.
When children are involved, the issue of compatibility extends to the
potential stepparent/stepchild relationship and between potential
stepsiblings. Families each have their own culture, and their own
rituals. During the courtship process, the adults and children use the
time to learn and experience their family differences with the view to
determining compatibility, adaptation and change. This can only occur
over time and a year or two would be a reasonable minimal period for
such courtship. Guessing how the kids will respond, adapt or change to
anniversaries, birthdays, religious holidays, etc., places them and the
blended family at risk. Experiencing and planning for these events
during courtship will give some clue as to what to expect after
blending and give time to plan.
2. Consider how the kids should address new partners.
During courtship you didn't expect the kids to call the potential
stepparent as mom or dad, but with marriage, many parents do expect
this change. For some children this represents an enormous emotional
adjustment. Some kids just don't view the stepparent in the same
capacity as a parent and they may fear upsetting their other parent
when calling the stepparent mom or dad. As such, what the children call
stepparents must be a matter of discussion, not only between parent and
stepparent, but also with natural parents and then with the kids. The
degree to which this can be sorted out in advance of marriage, the
greater the likelihood of a smooth transition. Names do matter and
showing respect can go a long way to facilitating adjustment.
3. Find an "up-side" for the kids.
The choice to marry is based upon the adults' desire for a significant
intimate relationship. However from the child's perspective, they can
perceive themselves losing time with the newly married parent. Further,
they may now have to share other family resources and there may be a
change in residence away from familiar community, friends and school.
As such, kids may begrudge the new family and take out their upset on
the new stepparent as the source or cause of change. The additional
risk in these situations is when the child then complains to the other
parent, seeking to avoid the newly blended family. The other parent
will likely take the child's side and try to minimize their upset.
Frequently this takes the form of a challenge to the access regime with
more restricted access to the newly blended family so as to keep the
child away from the upsetting situation. However, this only
creates new problems. Allowing time for new relationships to develop
and facilitating a tangible benefit to the child in the midst of the
changes can minimize the risk of this situation.
4. Determine issues of responsibility and authority.
Adults entering into blended families need to discuss expectations and
the limits of authority for the care, management and discipline of each
other's children. Planning in advance and having the children
experience these clearly set structures help the children learn and
adjust to new rules.
A new partner can be a wonderful and refreshing experience for
separated parents. However, before moving too quickly to marriage or
co-habitation, it is best to take time to facilitate adjustment. The
purpose of this is to increase the probability that the newly blended
family will succeed for everyone and thus limit the chance of another
failed marriage with all the disruption it brings to the children.
Do develop and enjoy new relationships. This is natural and healthy. Do
so with sensitivity to your children's adjustment. It really does take
considerable time, energy and discussion.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker in private practice. Courts in
Ontario, Canada, consider Gary an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a
critique on a Section 112 (social work) report.
