Last month I wrote a Father's Day column for the excellent web site, http://www.fatherville.com
The response to the column, simply titled: "Stepfathers Often Feel Like
A Lottery Ticket", blew me clear out of the water. I must have flew a
thousand feet past my expectations for this column. I was touched, and
to borrow a cliche, more than words can say. Or something like that.
The responses I received via email, and there must have been at least
thirty of them directed to me personally, ran the gamut. From
both fathers and stepfathers, and stepmothers and mothers. Even a
few judges and grandparents. Some parents were motivated and
understood the points I was trying to make in writing, "Stepfathers
Often Feel Like A Lottery Ticket." Some thought I was a joker
because supposedly stepfathers have no responsibilities. Some
realized that quite truthfully, trying to be a stepfather is too often
a thankless role one wonders if years later one should have taken on
full force.
Yet, if I could change one thing about "Stepfathers Often Feel Like A
Lottery Ticket", it would be to reiterate again that a good stepfather
does not want or try to be a replacement dad, and should take several steps
back when the biological father is in the picture. In fact, our
lives are easier when the biological father is in the picture.
It's not hard to see why both children and their biological fathers
would be upset if stepdad thought he was on equal footing when a
father-child relationship is already cemented into place.
However, it's crystal clear in my view that the majority of children in
this country are not harmed by having fatherhood and step-fatherhood in
their young and developing lives. Others feel the exact opposite is
true. All you have to do is look around you. Look at your
own blended family dynamic. Observe how the media portrays
fathers/stepfathers, and parents in general. We are portrayed as
both a burden and an obstruction to "our" children's "lives." This is
sick.
Is there a cure?
I think there is. At least, I hope there is. Stepfathers in
particular need to show their love up front to their stepchildren and
their wives. See what happens. Do the same with your
expectations of your stepchildren's chores and other responsibilities.
Write them down a list if need be. Years ago, I read a study that
said something to the effect that a lot of millionaires are people who
make up and follow - lists.
Now, here's something to think about. I received an email from a
stepfather who was just about to throw in the towel. His stepson's
rejection of him year after year was enough for him to move on, but the
stepson's choice not to even help out around the house with the kitty
litter box that was actually in his room on berber carpet - took the
cake. The stepfather at hand rattled off some questions to me in
a passionate email that I still draw careful reflection on:
"Is he not cleaning up the kitty litter, just to get me angry?"
Is he, at the age of 17, incapable of completing such an easy
chore?" "What can I do to motivate him to take care of the litter
box twice a week, for a total of 12 minutes of labor?" "Does this
kid have some kind of mental disorder?" Is there a drug to treat
children who make a choice to be - lazy?" "Should I just take the
kitty litter box out of his room since this has been going on for
almost a -year?"
These are super questions from a stressed out stepfather. I know
he will make the right decision at the right time about what to do in
answer to such senseless stupidity. These days, and email me if
you think I'm out of line, too many children and their parents seem to
live separate lives. I do think this has something to do with the
example of kitty litter.
It's a shame in too many blended or unblended households, meals are
eaten in perhaps three different rooms with three different televisions
on. Opportunities for bonding and conversation are lost on account of a
major breakdown on who the parent is in the family unit, and who the
child is in the family unit.
If you honestly ask yourself why boys join gangs, or why girls feel the
need to have boyfriend after boyfriend, you always come back to some
fundamental reason that will not go away. No matter how hard you
wish it all away. Children are children for a reason, and adults
are parents for a reason. We know more than our children about
life, and it is our responsibility to "show" them as much.
Even if it's just a matter of kitty litter and silly stubborness.
serves as Vice President of the State of Georgia for the non-profit organization, Parents For Label and Drug Free Education.
