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Men in Stepfamilies – Work in Progress |
With Fathers Day is around the corner, I found myself thinking about
some of the issues men can find themselves wrestling with in
stepfamilies. Men often energetically dive into their new stepfamilies
with the best of intentions, and surface in bewilderment as their best
efforts to ‘help' meet with rebuffs, cold shoulders, wariness or
rejection. What has gone wrong?
Roles or rolled? For both biological dads and stepdads, one common
theme often emerges - the ‘male role'. All of us absorb expectations
about how to be men or women as we grow up. For many men, these role
expectations are as invisible as the atmosphere we breathe, but just as
powerful. Take them away and we flounder.
For example, traditional role expectations in our society are still for
women to be primary caregivers for children, and to take responsibility
to nurture adult relationships, while men are providers and
increasingly involved but ‘back-up' parents. Take away that marriage /
relationship, and many men find themselves in unfamiliar roles as the
primary caregiver for their children as well as still in provider role.
Add a new partner as 75% of men do (more quickly than women), and what
happens?
Will the real parent please stand up It seems from many of the calls
SAVI takes, that many dads and their new partners expect that the
female partner will take over the role of primary caregiver,
‘releasing' dad to his traditional provider and ‘back-up caregiver'
role. Conflict arises if the children miss the closeness to dad they
built with him as a sole parent, or if dad's new partner embraces her
new role of nurturing and discipline in a way the children and dad
object to. She can feel set up, undermined and isolated.
Natural nurturer On the other hand conflict may arise if she (quite
rightly) rejects her partner's invitation to fulfil the traditional
role expectation of women to ‘naturally' be caregiver to children she
barely knows, when they have a parent (their father) there to care for
them. From the man's perspective, yes he's dad, but this is a very
different role to what he's learnt to expect throughout his lifetime.
It doesn't feel natural for him either! So who will look after the
kids?
Learning on the run Dad may feel very underqualified for the caregiver
job, but it's his while the kids are with him, unless he can negotiate
a job-share arrangement with his partner. Did you say negotiate? Now
that's another skill that traditionally has been cultivated by
caregivers. Men may feel they have to learn on the run.
While juggling the competing demands of work and childcare is no doubt
difficult, at the very least, dad and his new partner need to ensure
* they
acknowledge this is new territory for both, and requires conscious
effort to carve out mutually acceptable roles, rather than assuming
either will take up any particular role
* dad maintains some significant time with his children on his own, and
* they work
together as a team, with dad clearly delegating his parental authority
(‘when I'm not here, Judy is in charge'), publicly supporting his
partner's actions with the children, and discussing differences about
parenting styles away from them.
Divided loyalties Also at work here is dad in another unaccustomed role
- as the connection between his partner and his children. Research
suggests that many dads experience a strong sense of being caught or
trapped ‘in the middle'; having to negotiate decision making with their
partners, mediate in conflict between their children and their
partners, and help their partners find a role in the family. Dads may
feel very alone with the responsibility of parenthood, and
uncomfortable with the conflicting demands of this role.
Tim described this sense of divided loyalties as
An enormous feeling of being caught, being trapped, of everything
having to be negotiated... You feel you are striding along comfortably,
then you trip... I refer to them as ‘trip-wires', things you just don't
see and you trip over them and an explosion blows your leg off... It
makes you hesitant about what you can and what you can't do.
A short movie This sense of aloneness can be heightened where men's
experience of their own fathers is limited. Les described trying to
remember being fathered himself as
‘like trying to reconstruct a movie on the basis of half a dozen still frames'.
Many men (and women) report experiencing their fathers as distant, and
often absent because of work. In contrast mothers are often experienced
as closer and more influential role models for one's own parenting
style.
Stepdads can run into similar minefields.
Dave decided early in his relationship with Julie that what her young
kids needed was a firm hand, with some clear rules. Julie clearly had
her hands full, and let them get away with too much. When they moved in
together, he would ‘sort them out' as there was no way he was going to
live with kids running the show. Dave was astounded when not just the
kids but Julie also objected to his full-on style.
This clicks with the traditional male self-reliant, technical ‘fix-it'
approach to problems. What can be useful instead is readiness to learn
from the strengths of the traditional female role, starting with
listening; and openness to building relationship, connectedness,
respect and trust - in other words, earning the right to have influence
on the life of another rather than assuming it by virtue of age, gender
or status.
Time warp Where stepfathers have not been parents themselves, their
sense of a parenting role often comes from their own upbringing. With
no opportunity to update this model with children of their own, they
can be caught in a time warp. This may find expression in frustration
that their partner is ‘too soft' on their children. While this is one
side of the picture, it ignores the structural changes in parenting
styles from one generation to the next.
Nurturing from a well of sadness Many men in stepfamilies combine roles
as biological father whose children visit (87% of arrangements) with
stepfather to their partner's ‘live-in' children. These men face the
special challenge of developing an ongoing role in the lives of their
stepchildren against a backdrop of having more limited opportunities to
provide similar nurture to their own children. There is no easy answer
to the sense of ongoing loss this produces, but it is important to
acknowledge and get support with these difficult feelings, and to make
the most of the contact opportunities that are available.
Conclusion
Stepfamilies provide opportunity for men to review the roles they have
adopted as partners, fathers and caregivers. The new family structure
provides encouragement to experiment with ‘doing it differently', and
rewards personal growth and openness to change. What emerges will
result from a combination of influences:
* the man's
willingness to look at changing roles from the traditional role of
provider and ‘backup' parent to the non-traditional role of primary
caregiver; or at the other end
* his
willingness/reluctance to share responsibility, to ‘let his partner in'
* his partner's
willingness to take on practical and/or emotional caregiving tasks
* the children's willingness to accept caregiving from the stepparent.
What is important is not the roles adopted, but that they be discussed
and negotiated openly rather than assumed or taken for granted. This
can be an uncomfortable but ultimately rewarding ride.
Men also face the challenge of looking into themselves for a sense of
identity and strength, rather than only relying on ‘external',
culturally prescribed definitions of their roles. For many men, this is
a big ask, as it is an area traditionally defined as female territory,
and their memory bank of experiencing a father/nurturer may be limited.
Openness to exploring this new sense of identity (including both the
‘inner' and ‘outer' man) offers challenge and opportunity - for
personal growth, a new sense of connectedness, and new skills to
negotiate the world of relationships.
Happy Fathers Day in a whole new way.
Steve Martin, Executive Officer
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