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When Stepdad Becomes The Odd Man Out |
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Written by Tony Zizza
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With the arrival of Father's Day this month, seemslike it's just
another day for stepdads to hear (and feel) they aren't "real." This is
incredibly interesting, but it does nothing to shed the sadness off the
daily situation for the true American heroes on June 20th - stepdads.
We are heroes because we make real money for our families, offer real
emotional support for our families, and most important of all, we
attempt to give real time of ourselves to help out with homework and
chores. All for the betterment of our stepchildren and spouses.
The obstacles we face even years after becoming what I guess is called
"a stepfamily", are both insidious and daunting. You know, after a
while you get used to the "you're not my real dad" refrain, though it
still smarts. What I, a stepdad for almost four years, cannot get
used to is the assumption we're just supposed to be advisors to our
stepchildren. Like an Uncle or buddy.
This is completely false and dangerous when biological fathers are
absolutely out of the picture. I mean, for years. No phone
calls, no weekends, no birthday cards, no nothing. In this case,
the stepchild and their mother would be wise to welcome in stepdad.
Personally, I know I should never and do not want to ever be a
"replacement dad" to my stepdaughter. You can't erase
biology. You can't wish things away. You can't be
guaranteed love in return from anyone.
Nonetheless, for a stepfamily to work, the stepdad must have the
respect of his spouse and stepchild. Without this, stepdad always
becomes the odd man out. Stepchildren themselves must "step up" to the
other parent in the house. Only good things evolve when this
happens.
Bad things evolve when stepdad becomes the odd man out. The only
voice of reason. Of discipline. Of expectation. Of
pride. Stepfamilies are destroyed when stepdads are not just
taken for granted, but manipulated and made to feel invisible.
I don't have to tell you all the true and lousy statistics that await
children who either refuse to have a "dad" in their life or just don't
have one through no fault of their own. What I can't get a handle
on as a stepdad and a human being is some stepchildren and their
mothers say they don't want or need a father because they supposedly
never had one.
This needs to stop. This is textbook - insanity. This is like
someone refusing food because they have not eaten in a week.
Like, why bother to eat now? Yet this is what I, and so many other
stepdads, have to bear witness to. Certainly, horrible things happen to
all of us when we least expect it. When stepchildren and their mothers
shut out male authority in the house, real opportunities for growth,
unity and love are squashed.
What are we to do to make Father's Day a celebration for stepdads
instead of the Sunday slap in the face it has become? Respect
us. Listen to us. Trust us.
Above all else, let us in. Because when stepdad becomes the odd
man out, a stepfamily then stands on very shaky ground. And what a
shame given the fact today's children could only benefit from the life
lessons stepdads everywhere want to share with their stepchildren.
Tony Zizza is a freelance writer who writes frequently about
stepfamilies. He serves as Vice President/Georgia of the
non-profit organization, Parents For Label and Drug Free Education. You
can also visit the Able Child web site
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