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“Stepping In” As a Super Stepfather |
Being a stepfather is far from easy. Not only do you have the challenge
of "instant fatherhood," you have to father someone (or several
someones) who may not welcome you with open arms! But with the right
attitude you can forge a powerful, influential bond with your stepson
or stepdaughter that lasts a lifetime.
Dr. Poulter offers the following tips:
* Reach an agreement about the house rules. In other words, don't
create the impression that you're issuing orders and "taking over."
Your stepchild needs to understand that you and his mother are acting
in concert. When you must discipline him, he should recognize that you
have the complete support of his mom.
* Don't minimize your role as a stepfather. From an emotional
standpoint, kids don't discriminate between stepfather and father,
which are artificial labels. Being a father is being a father. Your new
child will bond with you based on the love, support, interest, and
attention you give her life. Therefore, be involved. Resist the impulse
to fade into the shadows where your stepchild is concerned, deferring
to her "real" father, your wife, grandparents, and others.
* Teach the five "R's"—respect, rules, roles, responsibilities, and
realistic expectations. Your new child may not like you at first, but
he can learn to be respectful. With your wife, spell out the house
rules, your child's responsibilities, and you and your wife's
responsibilities. In addition, specify your expectations. Do you expect
him to clean his room each day? Does he expect you to attend his Little
League games? This will reduce the disappointment when expectations
aren't met as well as cut down on the fights and other negative actions
when rules are broken or responsibilities are shirked because they
weren't clearly defined.
* Never "bad mouth" your child's birth father publicly. It may be that
his birth father is a physically abusive, drug-using jerk.
Nevertheless, you should not refer to him as a jerk in front of your
stepchild. Children are loyal to their fathers even when there's no
rational reason why they should be. Respect your stepchild's feelings.
By being a good person and a good role model, you're essentially
communicating the message that her biological father is not a good
model, but you're doing it in a way that won't make her angry at you.
* Adore and respect your new wife in front of her child. It is a huge
relief when a child—particularly a boy—sees his mother in a loving,
nurturing, supportive relationship. Even though he may not seem
relieved initially, he will be grateful for your loving, respectful
attitude. This is especially true if your predecessor was abusive. By
treating your wife with love and respect, you're also modeling for your
stepson how women should be treated, a lesson he may not have learned
from his biological father.
Dr. Stephan Poulter offers a keynote
presentation/workshop entitled Super Stepfathers: Stepping into Your
New Role with Confidence and Love. Click here for more information.
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