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During the nearly seven years of our marriage
without kids, my wife and I spent many an hour talking —
actually, "dreaming" may be the more appropriate word
— about what our lives would be like with
kids.
Ever the sports freak, I picked out the colleges
our children would be attending on NCAA basketball scholarships (our
son would go to the University of Kansas, a daughter to Notre Dame).
And my wife carefully chose the instruments on which the kids
would become virtuosos — their options included oboe, bassoon or
any of the brass instruments, preferably french horn. A longtime
flute player, my wife strictly forbade the yet-to-be-born kids from
playing the clarinet. I had no idea such a rivalry existed.
We also talked about more important issues.
One thing we both agreed on was that if and when
we were blessed with a baby, one of us would stay at home to raise the
child. We didn't want a stranger raising our kid and we
didn't want the burden of our child being placed on a relative.
We'd save our money and do whatever else it took to live on
the salary of one liberal arts graduate.
Like evolutionary monkeys, our brains were
hotwired to accept society's gender stereotypes and we simply
assumed that when the time came, my wife would stay home. But
last January, when we found out that we truly were expecting our first
child, the decision became real and somehow different. And after
rationally weighing all the options, we decided to take a new course: I
— the man, the dad-to-be — would stay home.
Since January, I've explained our decision
hundreds of times to friends, family and anyone else who asks. I
have the monologue meticulously memorized. Just press my button
and I'll tell you: "Well, we always knew that one of us
would stay home. I guess we always figured that it would be my
wife. But, then we considered everything. First, we made
about the same amount of money, so that was a wash. But, my wife
is a teacher, so she gets two months off in the summer. She also
has better benefits and a better retirement system and she wanted to
keep her level of seniority in the school district. And, when it
came down to it, we figured that since I am a writer and graphic
designer, I could do writing and graphic design on a freelance basis
from home. My wife is a teacher who loves her students —
and you really need to be in a classroom to teach."
Makes sense, right? Seems like an easy
decision, right? Well, it may make sense, but I wouldn't
call it easy. In fact, I've been forced to face some things
that millions of people before me have faced when they left the
workforce to take on child care:
First, there's a certain mental struggle and
guilt that comes with quitting a traditional job. I'd held
a "real job" since I was 16. Now — just like
that — I was walking away. Walking away from productivity,
from measurable stats, from output, from a faster-paced life, from a
regular paycheck. The transition kind of shakes you up.
Because our society is so geared toward career
achievement, I've had to fight the notion that becoming a
stay-at-home parent is just a free pass to Easy Street. As I left
my former job, I noticed that people who don't have kids would
shake my hand longingly and say, "Wow, you're so lucky to
be doing this. I'd love to just get out of here and do my
own thing." I could tell they were picturing me sleeping in
and watching Seinfeld reruns all day long. The former co-workers who do
have kids, however, knew better. They patted me on the back and
— talking to the poor sap headed for the Isle of You Have No Idea
What You're In For — would simply say, "Hey, good
luck with that."
Second, there's something to be said about
the perception of a man who stays at home with a baby. Overall,
I've been pleasantly surprised at the reactions I've
received when I tell people that I'm a stay-at-home dad. Of
course, I still get the occasional furrowed eyebrow — mainly from
men over 60. "You stay at home and your wife works? Hmmm."
And I know where that comes from. Heck,
it's only in recent years that we've acknowledged that men
have the capacity to care for small children. Go back 20 years
and check out movies like Mr. Mom. We all laughed at the bumbling idiot who dried
his kid's behind with the hand blower in the men's restroom
and handled dirty diapers with tongs. Even I, then 10 years old,
understood that there was something absurdly wrong about a man staying
home to raise the kids. But luckily, times and most perceptions
have changed.
In signing on as a stay-at-home dad, I feel like
I've signed a Declaration of Independence... and Dependence.
I'm independent from office work and the daily stresses of
our go-go-go society. On the other hand, I'm more dependent
than ever on my wife and our son is wildly dependent on me. Like
Jefferson's great American charter, I think our family's
little arrangement will work out, too, allowing us to pursue our
happiness the best way we know how.
Brian is the author of "The Newbie Dad," a monthly column appearing in
Western New York Family magazine (Buffalo, NY). The column has also
been read on National Public Radio's Morning Edition for member station
WBFO 88.7 FM in Buffalo and has been published in regional parenting
magazines in such cities as Charlotte, NC, Tulsa, OK, Milwaukee, WI,
and Rochester, NY. For more information or to contact Brian visit his website.
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