Have you ever realized long after the fact that others have
benefited from a situation while you naively stood by, gaining nothing
for yourself?
Let me give you a quick example from my own life. Here's the scene: at
just about this time last year, my son entered the third trimester of
his coddled little life inside the womb; my wife was carrying him and,
therefore, was crowned Queen of All Pamperdom; and I was the poor
schlepp the only one of us three who entirely missed his
opportunity to cash in on any of the indulgences accorded by pregnancy.
I imagine the third trimester in the womb is kind of like senior year
in high school. You've mastered the basics. Just before
graduating, you know all about the Federalist Papers, how to find the
hypotenuse of a right triangle, and you're no longer mistaken for a
gawky freshman. Likewise, by the third trimester, you've grown
feet and hands, your gill-like arches have turned into a neck, and
you're no longer mistaken for a giant tadpole. Simply put, life
is good.
My son was born in late September. I'm sure that by July he was
blowing off class and doing carefree flips in those warm waters
no worries, no obligations, no responsibilities. All the while,
people were throwing him parties and buying him cool stuff like a
"babywipe warmer" to ensure that his transition into the outside world
wouldn't be ruined by room temperature t.p. I'm telling you, he was
pampered.
As for my wife, whew, talk about being spoiled. Sporting the belly the
size of a cantaloupe, she was treated like royalty everywhere she
went. "Can I hold the door for you, ma'am?" "Would you like
an extra scoop of ice cream for dessert, ma'am?" "May I carry
that bag for you, ma'am?" "Please, sit down and put your feet up,
ma'am."
And I was the worst offender, volunteering to be her dedicated servant
from the minute we found out she was expecting. Following the
advice of parenting magazines (most of which are edited by women, thus
hinting at some sort of "pamper her, you fool" conspiracy), I cooked, I
cleaned, I ironed, I grocery-shopped and I rubbed her swollen ankles
until my fingers went numb.
And now, one year later, I see something clear as day: she worked it,
baby. Sure, she carried the load for nine months literally and
figuratively and she deserved to be pampered. But she also didn't
tell anyone to stop. She knew better.
So, what about me? What about all dads-to-be? My simple
advice to expectant fathers: get your piece of the pie, too.
Don't be neglected or ignored. Like your partner, you have some
legitimate concerns about becoming a parent. You have
needs. And you should realize that this is a great time to take
advantage of people's generosity.
Here's the game plan. Hit up your mom first. She's in a
state of euphoria she's happy that you've found a nice girl, are
finally settling down and, best yet, are giving her what she wants most
in the world, a grandchild. Your mom will do anything for you
right now. Start by mentioning that you've been meaning to read
up on becoming a good dad, but that your library doesn't seem to carry
the right books. Then, watch the Barnes and Noble gift card fly
your way. If you happen to have a little left over to spend on
that new CD you've been wanting, so be it.
Next, squeeze your co-workers. The "office grandmother" (every office
has one) is the best target. As soon as you get the sonogram
picture, race straight to her desk and let her know that she's the
first one to see the little tike. Subtly work into the
conversation how much you enjoy those chocolate chip cookies she bakes
and whammo two dozen will be on your desk the next
morning. Eat them at the office; don't take them home; share
none. Show the producers of Sesame Street what cookie
overindulgence is really about.
Finally, and this takes extreme delicacy, get some pampering from your
partner. But first, a word of warning: in making your requests,
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER make any direct comparisons between you and your
partner's physical condition. Remember, you deserve pampering due
to the emotional/psychological anxiety that goes with expecting a
baby. If you say that you're "tired, exhausted, or nauseous just
thinking about the baby," you can say sayonara to any pampering.
So, play it cool. Here are a few things she can do for you:
* Give you the OK to go on a guilt-free, weekend trip with the
boys. Once the baby comes, it won't be as easy to split for the
weekend. So, go golfing, hunting or see an out-of-town ballgame
with your friends while you have the chance. Tell your partner
that you'll even line up someone to swing by and help her for the
weekend while you're gone.
* Secure some much-needed information. Women love to talk about
their birthing experiences; men don't. When you're at the next party,
have your partner ask her friends-with-children how their dads-to-be
did in the birthing room and what they need to know. She'll be
able to fill you in on the details later which, believe me, will
come in handy and you'll be saved from awkwardly asking another
man, "so, like, how'd that birthing thing go for you, dude?"
* Listen and make the dad-to-be feel important. Finally, simply ask
your partner to listen to you. Women often think that babies are their
domain and men should keep their thoughts to themselves. Well,
dads-to-be have some input on this subject, too. Even if we
suggest that the baby's name boy or girl should be "Earnhardt,"
don't look at us like we're raving maniacs. Just say, "that's a
nice idea, honey," and let us know that we will indeed be a great,
competent dad.
Brian Kantz is a stay-at-home dad and writer living in Amherst, New York. He invites your comments and can be reached at
. Visit his website at http://users.adelphia.net/~bkantz.
