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A Men’s Guide To The Delivery Room |
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My wife and I recently had our fourth child. I've been with my wife
during the deliveries of all of our children. Nothing can prepare you
for the event.
You can attend childbirth classes and read books but, for some unknown
reason, they always focus on the women having the baby. So, as a public
service to future fathers everywhere, I will answer the most common
questions men have about birthing babies.
What is the most painful part of labor?
Please sit down before reading any further. The following statement is extremely graphic and may shock you.
When your wife is in the hospital, the TV remote control will be
attached to her bed. You may have to go for up to 24 hours with a
remote in the room that you cannot touch.
I know many men reading this column are breaking into a cold sweat. Some are weeping. That's okay. Let it out.
Why is the remote control attached to the bed?
No one knows. We just have to accept that it is the way God created the
bed and be thankful that there is a remote control at all. Because you
are used to watching television at the speed of 85 channels per minute,
labor will be a real test for you.
Can the remote control be surgically removed from the bed? I really need to hold it.
No. Insurance companies no longer cover this procedure because they
consider it "elective surgery." This is only one of the major problems
with the healthcare system in this country.
How bad will the pain be?
You will experience contractions in your hand because you're used to
holding a remote at all times. The contractions will start about 20
minutes apart but will soon progress to 2-3 minutes apart. The pain
will become unbearable when your wife is watching Oprah and Sports
Center is about to come on.
I don't think I can endure that level of pain. What can I do to get through it?
First, try to relax. Move around if it makes you more comfortable.
Experiment with different positions. Get on your hands and knees and
rock back and forth. Try squatting or lie on your side. Some men find
taking a warm bath helps.
Take deep breaths. Moan if you feel like it. If your mouth gets dry, eat some ice chips.
Focus on an object other than the remote. Having a photograph of your
home theatre system can be reassuring. Remember that you will soon be
going home and be able to hold your universal remote for hours at a
time -- especially when you're rocking your new baby at 2 a.m.
If the pain gets too great, ask the doctor for some medication. A
little Nubain can really take the edge off the pain of that tethered
remote.
One last tip: If your new child is a boy, while still in the delivery
room, call "dibs for life" on your home TV remote control. Within three
years he'll be fighting you for it.
Tim Bete's column has been featured in the
Christian Science Monitor and more than a dozen parenting magazines.
His column has also appeared on CatholicExchange.com, ParentingHumor.com, CatholicMom.com and iParenting.com.
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