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In The Beginning…There Were No Diapers |
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Next month, my first book, In The Beginning...There Were No Diapers, will
be published. The book answers earth-shattering questions, such as "How
do I know I'm a parent?" "How do I change a diaper in an airplane
restroom?" and "Where can I find the volume control on my kids?"
While I'm sure my book will be hailed by parents everywhere as "the
best thing since puréed carrot and pea medley," it's currently raising
a lot of questions...and people haven't even opened it yet. The most
frequent question is, "What does the title, In The Beginning...There Were
No Diapers, mean?"
I could call each of the millions of people who will buy my book and
tell them the answer, but sharing it here will be quicker. Besides, my
cell phone plan only provides sixty minutes each month before I'm
charged for additional time.
The title comes from a deep theological insight I had while writing the
soon-to-be-best-seller: God doesn't change diapers. Ipso facto, in the
beginning, there were no diapers. I took a philosophy course in
college, so I'm pretty confident of my logic. (Maybe it was a
psychology course but I'm sure it started with a "p.")
God created Adam and Eve as adults for a good reason -- because he
could. If you were all-powerful, would you choose to change
diapers? I didn't think so.
But, in addition to an aversion to diaper changing, there were a few
other reasons God created Adam and Eve as adults. The early chapters of
Genesis, which can be found in another best-seller, would have been a
little different if Adam had been a five-year-old.
God: You may freely eat of every tree of the garden...
Adam: I don't like those trees. The fruit is ewwie.
God: Ewwie?
Adam: The bananas have brown spots. Can you make a fruit cocktail tree?
God: Please, let me finish...You must not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil...
Adam: That tree is ewwie, too. The fruit is green. Green tastes funny. Can I climb the trees? I want a tree house...
God: Okay, enough about the trees. Let's move on to naming the animals...
Adam: I already did. I named them all Rocky. When I call them for
dinner, I only have to use one name...Rocky, here Rocky, come on boy...oh,
look a stampede...
God: I'd really prefer that you give each type of animal a different name.
Adam: How about Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV...it would be just
like that movie! Maybe we could name all the girl animals Adrian...Yo,
Adrian! Here girl...come on girl...
God grew exhausted talking to young Adam and caused a deep sleep to
fall over him, although it took a while because Adam insisted he was
too big to take a nap and said he needed a story...and a drink of
water...and his binky...
Based on my thoughtful analysis, I think you'll agree that in the
beginning, there were no diapers. If you have any other questions about
my book, feel free to contact me.
Just don't call my cell phone. I'm saving my minutes to talk to my mom.
Tim Bete's column has been featured in the
Christian Science Monitor and more than a dozen parenting magazines.
His column has also appeared on CatholicExchange.com, ParentingHumor.com, CatholicMom.com and iParenting.com.
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