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Author Topic: Letting Go of Children Who Don't Want to see You Anymore  (Read 17424 times)

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LoveRespect

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Letting Go of Children Who Don't Want to see You Anymore
« on: April 01, 2007, 09:42:25 AM »

Hi Everybody,
I have been fighting this for about seven years and get tired and alone with this. My daughters are 15 - 16 on 5/1/07 with all the typical messy/painful divorce issues and some extraordinary.

Mother told them they didn't have to talk to me and that a judge would support this at the time of separation (they were 9) - she made it stick - a fight to parent at all. She prevailled over all the legal fights to get them in counseling with me.

Way too many things to write - especially for someone who doesn't type.

My children live 18 miles away and come to my town with their friends every week - but don't want to talk to me. They won't tell me about school activities, so I can come - I know very little about them. I do my best to see them from a distance and will send them emails.

I do have a therapist, but no support group available. My question is how do I move through this pain - loss and letting go.

How have other fathers survived this loss like a death with no ending?

Please let me know if this is too heavy for this forum?

Thanks,
Love and Respect - LoveRespect
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FuzzyDolly

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Re: Letting Go of Children Who Don't Want to see You Anymore
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2007, 12:29:39 PM »

My parents were divorced when I was 13 months old. All my life I heard stories about how my father didn't want anything to do with me, no one knew where he lived, and how useless he was when he was around for that first year. I was told the reason for the divorce was that he had impregnated another woman and that I had a 1/2 brother that was less than a year younger than I was.

Fast forward about 35 years... I finally decided to try and find out information about my father. I had always been curious, and finally decided to bite the bullet. As it happened, someone answered my post and I made contact with my father for the first time that I could remember. I come to find out, that there was no 1/2 sibling, that he had tried to contact me until I was around 10, but my mother wouldn't let him, and that my whole family knew exactly where he lived since the divorce.

Now, where am I going with this? Stand fast with your need to see your kids. God only knows what thier mother is telling them. After finding out the "truth", which was acknowledged by my mother after she learned of the contact, my relationship my with mother has not been great. Basically, I have no use for her now, seeing as she lied to me for 35 years. Whatever you do, DON'T give up on your kids. It would be the worst thing you could ever do.
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Joe Luisi

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Re: Letting Go of Children Who Don't Want to see You Anymore
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2007, 03:12:32 PM »

LoveRespect,

I came across your post awhile ago and meant to comment on it then. Please accept my apologies for not replying sooner.

As I see this is your first posting and all though a little late; let me start out by welcoming you to our forum. Topics such as yours, whether heavy or not are welcomed all the same. We are your soundboard whenever you need talk.

I can tell by your post that this is a difficult time in your life. I sense the strain from the divorce and custody issues have taken its toll on you. I can tell because I too have gone through a messy divorce and how it became a battle to use the children as some sort of leverage tool. It looks as if your ex is using your children against you and this is very frustrating to say the least.

The pain of not seeing or having everyday interactions with your children is indeed a hard emotion to deal with, but you must focus on yourself at this juncture. It is strongly recommended that when a divorce occurs, healing must first start from within; which will allow a clear head and heart when dealing with unpleasant issues and the way of the change that has become.

You see, children are only adolescent for 18 years. They do grow up! During those years, influences from family and friends, schools and sweethearts as well as backstabbing ex-spouses unload a colossal amount of information for these kids to sort through and learn from. Most kids will take the unlikable information and place it far away in their memories to deal with another day. Then when they reach adulthood, something triggers old thoughts and feelings, and they begin to seek out the truth.

Your children may seem like they feel nothing for you, but at their present age, they realize what their mother is doing and just abiding to avoid unpleasant conflict…until they can face the truth later when they are free from obvious manipulation.

Don’t give up and certainly don’t parallel this to death without ending because it will begin again, a new day will arise when your children will seek you out to find their own truth about you…from you.

This probably isn’t parenting like you thought it would be, but they are still your children and if you must wait for them, then that is what you must do. Until then, please live a peaceful life the best you can and take care of your self.

Best of luck to you my friend,

Joe



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brew27

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Re: Letting Go of Children Who Don't Want to see You Anymore
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2008, 10:06:05 AM »

I have to agree... healing starts inside yourself.  If you are looking for support, someone to talk with, try your local church.  They often have groups and your local priest/pastor/rabbi will surely be willing to sit with you and help you through these trials over and above your therapist.  Maybe you have strayed from the flock and this is a good opening to come back.  God is always there.

Regarding your girls, you have to let them go and it sounds like you are realizing this.  That is good.  You need to let your girls do what they feel they need to do without feeling pressure from you.  They very well may be feeling pressure from mom as Joe suggests... and if they have to see her everyday, they surely don't want to hear about it.  But make sure you don't disappear.  Stay with them.  Don't pressure them, but continue to send birthday cards and make yourself visible in their lives.  As FuzzyDolly illustrates, you don't want them to feel that you don't want to be with them.  Let them come back to you on their terms and they surely will and one day they will see the light that you have always been there for them and you will be able to start from that strong foundation.
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