The Real "Shock and Awe" of Being a New Dad
Recently, a good friend of mine announced that he was going to be a father. I could see the joy in his eyes and could hear the excitement in his voice as he shared the news with me. But, just a quickly as the good news was delivered he became very serious once again. Curious by this sudden change in mood I asked him what was wrong. He responded, "It's my wife...she is acting really strange these days. She's just not been herself." I asked "What do you mean by strange?" He replied, "Well, for one thing one moment she's on a joyous high and happy about what our future holds and then an hour later  she's somber and feeling blue. And another thing that's got me concerned is that she's been sick nearly every evening right about the time I get home." I listened carefully and empathized with him as he continue to share some of the "strangeness" that he had been observing. 

Even as my friend was talking my mind quickly flashed back to the time when my wife and I were pregnant with our first child. My wife was sick the majority of the nine months that she carried the baby. I felt so helpless to really comfort her. Sometimes my best efforts seemed in vain. The things that I thought might bring comfort were of no interest to her. I have to admit that I truly was in "shock and awe" over the whole ordeal. Never had I felt so confused and frustrated. In some ways it is a husbands "right of passage" to go through this time of trial with his wife. Every new dad experiences these same kinds of feelings to one degree or another. If you are a new dad-to-be you may very well be feeling this way. If so, may I recommend two extremely insightful resources that will help ease the pain of becoming a new dad and equally as important helping you know how to comfort your wife.

Now...on to the good stuff...

In This Issue...

Recommend Fatherville.com

• Choose How You Parent by Gary Direnfeld
• Birth Order Tendencies by Mike Pickle, FamilyLife Ministries
• Just for Fun: Fathers From Down Under
• Hey Stepdad! "Assemble The Parts" by Ken Canfield

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Are you concerned about your parenting skills? If so, there are things you can do.

Parenting skills are generally learned through our early life experiences with our own caregivers. The process is called “role modeling”. In most instances the role model is mom and dad, but in many other instances, this could be a grandparent, foster parent, friend of the family or other guardian. Throughout these early life experiences most persons learn healthy and adaptive ways to raise children. However, for some, their own upbringing may have included issues arising out of violence, abuse, neglect or other forms of dysfunction that interfere with their own ability to parent today. 

Given poor experiences from one’s past, it can be a challenge for some persons to parent in such a way so as not to re-create the familiar. In other words, it can be difficult to parent differently from how you were parented so what happened to you doesn’t happen to your children. Some persons who have had poor childhood experiences are concerned about their parenting skills. Even some persons with good childhood experiences have concerns too.

The road to better parenting or parenting differently from what you experienced begins with the process of self-discovery. If in your past, you had experiences related to abuse, violence, neglect or other forms of family dysfunction or you are just concerned, consider consulting a social worker or finding books pertaining to your childhood experience to learn how your early experiences can affect adult life and your parenting. Talking with a social worker or reading books helps to hold a mirror to oneself to more fully and deeply examine where we come from to determine who we are and how we act.

With this deeper understanding of our self, we are then better equipped to recognize how what we learned may affect our current parenting behaviour. Then we are able to contrast our behaviour with what children really need for healthy development. If there is a discrepancy between what we now realize we are doing and what is actually best for children, there are steps we can take to improve matters.

The next steps involve shedding the old patterns of parenting behaviours in favour of adopting new parenting skills. Even though we may not like our past experiences, they are familiar and in a sense, comfortable. As such we need reminders, support and information both for what not to do but also for help with what to do. Strategies to help be a better parent can come in several different forms and include everything from reading books, to notes on the refrigerator door, to counseling, to support groups, to parenting classes. 

Along the way, you may want to consider adopting a new role model. If your role models weren’t healthy, think of someone else, whose parenting abilities you admire. This could be a friend’s parent, a fictional character from a book or even a television personality. The objective here is to pick someone who you know parents well. Then, when you are stuck and wonder what to do, you can think of what that person would do in your situation. This is a nice way to take care of yourself and your children.

Choose your role model and how you want to parent to be the kind of parent your child would choose.

About the author:

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker and expert on matters of family life. He is in private practice, writes and provides workshops and is the developer of the "I Promise Program” – teen safe driving initiative. Search his name on GOOGLE.COM to view his many articles. Feel free to call him for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters. Courts in Ontario consider Gary an expert on child development, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations and social work.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW
garydi@sympatico.ca 
905 628-4847

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By Mike Pickle, FamilyLife.com

Note: This is the first of a three part series of articles on the intriguing aspects of birth order tendencies

The word “tendencies” is used in this article because these are not hard, fast rules that define a child or behavior. They are ways that children “tend” to respond or react within a family that seems to relate to their birth order in the family. Understanding this concept has helped my wife and I identify and meet the needs our various children. As this article proceeds, I will share some of the ways we have applied this to help understand the needs of our sons and daughters.

The problem of peer pressure and peer dependence.

Peer pressure can be positive or negative, good or bad. A child can be influenced to do the right thing as easily as he can be influenced to do wrong or participate in wrong activities. This concept is the basis of some very successful teen training programs for juvenile delinquents. The teenagers are taken out of their negative or sinful environment away from the sinful, negative influences. After a time of intense exposure to right behavior and the teachings of the Bible, the positive peer pressure begins to have the desired affect. The teens change their behavior.

Peer dependence –is when children are more committed to or dependent upon their peers than they are upon their parents. This situation is very dangerous and can cause deep problems in the family and in the teen’s life. When what a peer or peer group thinks determines what a teen does rather than the instructions of the parent, a teen has become peer dependent. This is not the way God intended children to be raised.

Four Consequences of Peer Dependence

(1) Bad self-image
(2) Rejection of authority
(3) Negative outlook on the future
(4) Distrust of their peers

Scriptural Examples of peer dependence:

Solomon->Rhehoboam listened to the young advisors of his court rather than the elders and the people revolted and the kingdom was divided.

Tamar/Absolom->Amnon listened to one of his peers and deceived the king and had forcible intercourse with Tamar. Absalom killed Amnon to avenge his sister's disgrace.

Israelite wanderings in the desert->God warned them that when they no longer need him; they would forget him. If the parents don't meet the needs of the children, the children will seek to have needs met elsewhere, through peers.

Tendencies Identified

The first-born exhibits a greater capacity to respond to authority figures in their life because of the close relationship to parents. This happens in part because they tend to receive undivided attention from the parents. Parents tend to spend more time with the first born such as, taking pictures, child sitting in parent’s lap, being read to, and even talked to more by the parents. Often, first-born children mature more quickly because of they have only the example of the parents. They can accept responsibilities more easily. Numbers 3:12-13 tells us that God claims the first-born child of believing children. God may or may not indicate this to the child at an early age. We taught our children that they had been dedicated to God and that God wanted to use the first-born in a special way. Finally, first-born children are inclined to lead. They do things first like walking and given responsibilities. 
Examples from the Bible would include: the prodigal son’s older brother, Esau, James, Miriam, Martha, and Peter

The second-born can be more competitive because they feel the need to compete for the parent’s attention. They often need and desire extra attention and need to know that their parents accept them. A second-born may be more trusting of people and therefore believe unscrupulous people more quickly—in other words, he or she could be deceived more easily. They often have a very high sense of loyalty and will give gifts or personal possessions to ensure loyalty. A second-born can be very optimistic, adventurous, highly motivated to compete, be less cautious, and may ignore warnings of danger or unwise decisions or actions.

Examples from the Bible would include: the prodigal son, Jacob, John, Thomas, Aaron, Mary, and Andrew

The third-born in a family may tend to be more independent acting from a sense of inner freedom and or more privileges as parents relax their control more. The can be quick to learn because of the example of older siblings, that is, more examples in the family or more people to spend time teaching them. They can have a special commitment to personal goals and become very creative and persuasive. Since older siblings and age remove them from their parents, they can become more self-sufficient, developing their own opinions and decisions without interacting with those older and wiser.

Examples from the Bible would include: Moses and Lazarus

We have six children—a daughter, 2 sons, and then 3 daughters. This birth order has made for some interesting tendencies and combinations through the years. For example, we have two first-born children. Leisa our oldest was born first and is pretty well a classic first-born in her tendencies. Michael is our second, but the first son. He acted like a second-born for several years until Christopher our second son was old enough for Michael to relate to personally. At that point, Michael began to take on the tendencies of a first-born son. As he has gotten older, he has developed into more of a first-born with few traits of a second-born. Christopher, even though he is our third child, he is a classic second-born from day one. He has always competed with his brother. He has always been more daring in his activities. 

[End Part I]

About the author: 

Mike's first degree was in Chemistry-- but science remains a hobby.  He graduated from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and Mid-America Baptist Seminary.  Gini (his wife) and he served twenty-two years in church ministry.  They joined the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ in 1996.  Their assignment in Campus Crusade is with FamilyLife in Little Rock, Ark.  He has served in the office of FamilyLife for four years, first in Constituent Correspondence where he responded to e-mail messages requesting assistance in issues relating to family life. He now work with the Theological Content Team at FamilyLife--reviewing incoming and outgoing content for biblical and theological accuracy and consistency. He can be reached at: mpickle@familylife.com

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John is a stepfather whose 12-year-old stepson Brian had hit a rough spot in life. His grades were sagging, and he had behavioral problems in the classroom. 

Now, John is one wise and brave stepdad. He saw something that needed to be fixed, and the first thing he did was check out all the parts. He said to his wife, "We need to get all of us together and work this out - you, me, Brian, and his father." 

You see, Brian's biological father was still involved in Brian's life. They got together every other weekend, and he paid his child support on time. Still, there was unusual tension between his mother and biological dad when he came to pick Brian up. 

The four of them got together on two different occasions. They put aside their differences and focused on a common goal: helping Brian. What John saw in those meetings was remarkable. The boy's countenance changed for the better when he saw that everyone was on his side; he was more positive than he'd been in a long time. The next semester, his grades improved. 

You've got to admire the way John took action for the sake of his stepson. I don't have to tell you that there's almost always tension between the two "fathers" in a child's life. But John was able to put all that aside and focus on Brian. 

If you're a stepdad you may identify pretty closely with John. If you're not, you should still be taking notes. The idea of assembling all the parts to help your child through a problem time is an effective strategy. If need be, set up a time to meet with your child and all the other people who influence his life - coaches, teachers, youth pastors, maybe extended family members. 

The tensions may be different, but the principle is much the same. Even if the problem isn't immediately resolved, a young person is still going to be lifted up just by knowing that so many people care for him. 

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Fatherhood Writers Wanted

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We are always looking for new writers. If you are interested please contact us.

Note: None of the fathers who contribute to the Fatherville.com web site are financially compensated for their contributions. However you will almost certainly be richly rewarded by the interaction that takes place between our readership and you, the potential author. So c'mon dad...give it a go. You never know when your fatherhood experiences will touch the life of another father.

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Michael E. Farrell
Fatherville.com - Where Real Fathers Write About Real Fatherhood

You may reach me at anytime: mike@fatherville.com

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