Welcome to the August 2005 edition of the Fatherville.com Newsletter.

When I was 12 years old my parents divorced. It seemed, at that time, that my world had ended. Divorce is one of those things that happens to 'other' kids. But, not me and my family. Yet, there it was. In short order my mom took custody of me and we moved away. As I recall it was 2 or 3 years before I saw my father again. During those tumultuous years following the divorce my relationship with my dad was strained at best. We wrote occasional letters back and forth but, all in all, we were not close. Today, many years later, my relationship with my father has blossomed and it has become more like what a father/son relationship should be. Now, we talk on the phone a couple times each month, he gives me advice, tells an occasional joke or two and the best part of it all is when I hear those sweet words that I long to hear, "I love you, son" at the end of our conversation.

Divorce is seldom a good thing for kids. Even in the most amicable, co-parenting situation kids will still suffer from the fact that their parents are no longer together. There are short-term concerns, like schoolwork, social behavior, and the stress of going back and forth between households. In his article, "Making the Most of Long Distance Fathering" Dr. Ken Canfield gives dads a few tips on how to stay focused on what matters most.

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In 1993 pitcher Terry Mulholland was selected as the starting pitcher for the National League in the All-Star Game. Mulholland planned to reject the invitation and pass up a chance to pitch in the summer classic. Why? Because Terry is also a father. He's a long-distance dad who saw the three-day break as a chance to catch up with his young son, Tyler. They'd planned a father-son fishing trip, and Terry was determined to keep his word. As it turned out, Mulholland's manager gave him another day off, so he was able to pitch in the game and then fly to Arizona to take Tyler fishing.

There are such men who are recognized for wanting to be successful in the eyes of their kids, despite the distance. But for many long-distance dads, life is anything but glorious. Sometimes it seems you receive nothing but contempt from society at large.

NO ACCESS!

The one obstacle all non-custodial fathers must hurdle is access: seeing your children at any time and participating in the daily happenings of their lives. For many single dads, there's nothing you wouldn't give to have free access to your children. You must look at the men out there who do live with their children-but aren't really involved in their lives-and just shake your head. The movie Mrs. Doubtfire helped to surface a lot of these complex, difficult emotions.

And your situation has only been made worse by the unfortunate legacy associated with single fathers. Those men who are irresponsible and inconsistent with their kids, who are bitter and unforgiving toward their ex-wives, and who deserve the term "Deadbeat Dad" have helped to create an atmosphere of distrust toward all single fathers. No matter how committed you may be to your children, you'd be wise to realize from the beginning that it's going to take time to earn back the trust that other men have squandered, whether you're dealing with judges, social workers, or ex-wives.

Divorce naturally brings distrust between a man and woman. But even though she's no longer your legal spouse, she's still your children's mother. Your kids' sense of confusion and insecurity will be minimized by a civil, cooperative relationship between their parents.

"3-LEGGED TABLES"

There's a simple plan for effective fathering which we call the I-CANs: Involvement, Consistency, Awareness, and Nurturance. Together they encompass everything that strong fathers do. For a divorced or long-distance dad, the problem of no access has placed you at a disadvantage. How can you possibly be highly involved in your kids' lives?

A four-legged table is sturdy-much more so than one with three legs or two. In the same way, the four I-CANs make for sturdy, confident fathering. But if your situation has taken you away from your kids, losing that one leg (Involvement) may cause your "table" to wobble or even collapse. That's no reason to give up; it's a call to work even harder to bolster the other three legs-Consistency, Awareness and Nurturance.

Work especially hard on consistency-be regular and predictable in your emotions, your schedule, and in keeping promises. Your consistency will be most apparent in communication, support payments, and being prompt and reliable during visitation. Maintain an awareness: get feedback as often as you can about your children. Talk to teachers and coaches, and keep track of each child's individual needs and concerns. Make sure you physically nurture them when you're with them, but also do it verbally as often as you can. Instead of being lavish with new toys or other gifts, shower them with displays and words of affection. Affirm them for who they are and for what they were created to be.

YOU CAN'T MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME

Maybe you're just beginning to realize the power and the rewards of being a good father. Maybe you feel you've let them down in the past. It happens to every dad, and it's natural to want to make it up to them somehow. That's a good instinct to have. Unfortunately, it's easy to channel that healthy resolve into wild extravaganzas with your kids to try to make things right.

So maybe you take them to baseball games and amusement parks, and load them down with pennants, stuffed animals, junk food and a lot of confusion. Kids love these activities, but such "blow-outs" are only one side of a huge pendulum swing. A month of not hearing from their father and then POW. It can really shake kids up.

All children need regular and predictable contact with their father (Consistency!). An encouraging phone call once a week is more beneficial to them than four trips to Disney World strewn throughout the year. And think of your child's mother: it's hard to bring a child back down to earth after a week with dad filled with amusement parks and Pizza Hut.

What do you want your child to remember about your relationship during these years? A roller coaster ride? A grand slam home run? Or, would you rather have him remember many times with you, and none of them really stick out in his mind because the events themselves weren't important. He simply cherished the chance to spend time getting to know his dad.

How would your kids define fatherhood? As a series of erratic, confusing phone calls? Broken promises? What Mom mutters about under her breath? They desperately need you to redefine fatherhood for them, because someday they may either become a dad or be married to one, and they'll think of the influential men in their lives. If you've done your best to stay involved in their lives, they'll think of you. And if you've been faithful and made the most of a tough situation, they'll have a wealth of memories which will bring confidence and strength as they grow up, marry and bring up their own children.

Ken Canfield via Fathers.com

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"When one has not had a good father, one must create one..." - -Nietzsche

As usual, Nietzsche makes a profound point using both a sledgehammer and a slick sense of subtlety.  Perhaps it's odd to quote a controversial philosopher like Nietzsche on Father's Day, but the two aphorisms I chose to include in this column would be perfect for stepfathers if only the first aphorism read as follows:

"When a stepchild has not had a good biological father, a stepchild must accept their stepfather."

I am sick and tired of stepfathers getting a bad rap within our culture.  Movies like "Domestic Disturbance" portray stepfathers as killers.  I'm not aware of any country singers honoring "Step dad and Home."  Even some fathers' rights advocates write stepfathers off as no good.

I ask, as a stepfather and a man, that we start a serious conversation on why stepfathers often feel like a lottery ticket.  Believe me, such a conversation would be a win-win situation.  The biggest winners would be stepchildren themselves who just might gain more economic liberty by learning to accept "Step dad" in their lives, no matter when he came into the picture.

Civilized society benefits as well when stepfathers are adopted, if you will, into the ongoing relationship of the biological mother and child. Stepfathers offer the family sound advice and guidance.  Stepfathers want, and not just on Father's Day, to be listened to.  After all, there's a giant difference between being heard and listened to.  It's the difference between success and failure.

In my view, a stepfather offers a special economic and individualist opportunity to their stepchildren. Again, we have the capacity to shape economic liberty and freedom for our stepchildren.  We stand proud to watch them become a strong individual outside the home, and equally important, more respectful within the home.  Stepchildren and their biological parents would clearly lead less stressful lives, less paycheck to paycheck lives, if only they (and all blended families), simply adopted this rational attitude: "You know, we should really let this guy - in our lives."

Putting it all together, stepfathers often feel like a lottery ticket because actually being allowed to operate as a fully functional parent is like a million to one shot.  If stepfathers were a scratch ticket, the chances of being a big winner are quite few. Stepfathers are forever hopeful of that "jackpot" which is being accepted as a true member of the family.  Stepfathers try and try and try - to be accounted for.

However, there comes a time when it no longer makes sense to "play the lottery."  Far too many large losses compared to a handful of small wins. Stepfathers find themselves living in a proverbial trash can because the emotional, financial, and social value stepfathers offer families and society is so easily discarded.  Seemingly, any collection of adults and children make up a loving family, so long as it doesn't include that knight in dirty armour - Step dad.

Father's Day offers you, the reader of this column, the chance to consider adding stepfathers to the roll call of millions of biological fathers who are due great honor on Father's Day.  Truth is, a stepfather isn't a replacement dad - a stepfather just wants to be a family man, too.

No matter what the outcome of Father's Day is this year for the men of this country, it's stepfathers who must find a way to live out another brilliant Nietzsche aphorism, "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger."

And so it is with step fatherhood.

Tony Zizza serves as Vice President of the State of Georgia for the non-profit organization, Parents For Label and Drug Free Education.

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Michael E. Farrell
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