Tell Me Another One Dad!

Who are you? Sure, you are a Dad, but who are you really? Have you told your children about your past? "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly?" I don't necessarily mean the things your aren't proud of although you might share a few of those events too.  But, what I'm really asking is: have you told them who you are? How did you get to where you are now? What hard times have you had to endure? What events are most memorable to you?

I've decided, for myself, there is nothing to hide from my children. When the time is right I'll share with each of them the good and the bad. I want them to know who I am. I'm not afraid to tell my children of my failures and I'm certainly happy to tell them of my successes. As a father I believe it is good for our children to know about our history. It connects one generation to the next. Believe it or not sometimes sharing the bad stuff makes you more real to your kids. If, for some reason, you decide not to tell them about things you aren't proud ask yourself why? Are you afraid they'll judge you for some of the things you've done? Or, perhaps you think they'll use the information to justify their actions as they grow older and more curious. It's also possible they'll learn from your mistakes. But they can only learn if you're willing to share those mistakes. So consider the positives and negatives and take the time to share your stories with your children.

In his article, "Telling Your Personal Stories" Mark Brandenberg encourages us, as fathers, to take the time to pass on to our children our personal history.  He challenges us to pass on love, faith, courage, freedom--the eternal truths that will have meaning for our children for generations to come.

Got a favorite story that you plan on passing along to your kids. Tell us about it? We'd love to hear your stories.

Now...on to the good stuff.

By Mark Brandenberg

I must admit to having a fear that I believe I share with many fathers. I fear that I will some day be insignificant to my children. It’s not as though they’ll completely forget who I am; it’s that what I stand for and what I believe in won’t be a significant part of their lives.

Perhaps popular culture will take over…or perhaps they just won’t care. The fear is there because it’s so important to me that my children have a moral compass to live by, and that they have a value system that honors and respects others.

So what are fathers to do? We live in an increasingly complex society and the answers to our children’s questions are neither easy nor simple. Many of these questions are difficult to answer and will show your kids that ideas about what’s right and wrong are not always very clear.

What fathers can do is to wish and hope that things turn out for your children…or you can have the courage to make passing on your values an absolute priority in your family. You can challenge yourself to pass on love, faith, courage, freedom--the eternal truths that will have meaning for your children for generations to come.

There will certainly be some bumps along the way and it won’t always be a smooth ride. After all, there is an entire culture out there that’s telling your kids that what they wear and what they buy is the most important thing in their life.

There is a way for fathers to succeed here. They can do it through the stories that they tell their kids and also through the way they are models for their kids.

You can start by taking a different and closer look at the daily events that happen in your life. Your life is filled with significant happenings that you can sometimes pass over if you’re not paying attention or if you get too busy. These events can become stories that your children will cherish.

Why is it important to tell your stories to your children?

One important reason is that it serves to connect your children to previous generations and to help them to feel a part of the “larger whole” of your family. Perhaps a more important reason is that telling your children your stories helps them to deal with the difficult challenges that they’ll be facing in their life.

The truth is that your kids will go through some real struggles. As parents, it can be painful to watch…and it is seldom useful to try to come to the rescue. What can be helpful to your kids is to know that their father, and other significant people in their lives, have gone through similar struggles and have survived.

Stories are often about struggles and failures. Your children love to hear stories about these struggles because they have them often in their own lives. They know failure and struggle extremely well; that’s a lot of what being a kid is about.

The stories you tell them will ultimately be comforting. That you have had these struggles and have come back and recovered is encouragement to them; your kids will need a truckload of encouragement to navigate their way through life.

It is truly a gift to be able to communicate to your children what is in your heart through the use of stories. Stories can not only be used as a vehicle to pass along your values, but they are likely to inspire your children to repeat the same process with their children.

Here are some suggestions to help you come up with stories for your children:

Tell stories to your kids when they are the most attentive to them--when they are in bed, or “settled down” so they can sit still for awhile.

Make sure to include stories of you failing miserably. These are particularly useful to your kids. We’ve all got a few of these, don’t we?

Have your parents tell your children some of their own stories if they are able--a great way to show the connection that exists between generations.

Use stories to answer your kids’ questions about difficult issues. They need to know that you have faced these issues yourself, and that there are many choices available.

Realize that you don’t need a history of storytelling in your family to get started, and you don’t need to be a great storyteller. Give some thought to experiences you’ve had that might relate to some of the issues your kids are facing right now or in the near future.

There is a short window of opportunity in which to tell your children the stories of your life. Many fathers fail to tell their stories because of a lack of a story-telling tradition in their family of origin. This can be a wonderful opportunity to begin your own tradition with your own stories.

It is also a great opportunity to contribute to the “moral upbringing” of your kids by telling them the stories of your life. The lessons within these stories can provide some of the moral “anchor” for your kids in a world that doesn’t often provide many moral anchors.

Teaching your kids about life through telling your stories will be more effective than lecturing your kids on any day of the week. Your kids will want to hear your stories, the lecturing they can probably do without.

May your stories live on eternally.

---
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is a certified personal coach, father, speaker, and workshop leader who helps men to create balance in their lives and to improve their family relationships. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers” and can be reached at mark@markbrandenburg.com or at www.markbrandenburg.com.

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Dad's, Got A Creative Teen?

You can almost hear old Tevye from "Fiddler on the Roof singing, "Tradition! Tradition!" From the year of jubilee to the passover, the Hebrews have placed great value on traditions and the role they played in the progress of revelation.

And, of course, they are especially meaningful to just about everyone listening to this broadcast when it comes to Christmas. Traditions help create anticipation and memories that last a lifetime. Now, I'm not talking about television programs or the family's annual Nintendo challenge, but rather activities that encourage discussion and togetherness. And Dad, it's your job to lead the way. Your family is unique and traditions allow you to express that at Christmastime. One family I know goes out caroling to all the neighbors on Christmas eve. Another bakes cookies - not just mom by herself, but every member of the family gets involved for one big cookie baking marathon.

Dad, you can start by remembering traditions from your youth. Encourage your wife to do the same. And/or invent some of your own. Who said you have to have turkey or ham? One family I know splurges with the same exotic shrimp dish every Christmas. That's their tradition. Another has Italian beef.

In one family, Uncle Tim leads all the cousins on a nature hike through the woods before Christmas dinner. Another family - with older kids - volunteer at the local soup kitchen on Christmas Eve. I know many families read Luke chapter two before opening presents.

Make a list of the traditions your family already enjoys and do them up right this year. If you need a few more, why not try some of these which I recently ran across.

One idea is to save all the Christmas cards you receive - unopened - until Christmas Eve. Then, with everybody gathered round, open those cards, read them one by one, pray for the sender and thank God for blessing you with such great friends. You can still try it this year by saving this final week's mail deliveries. (Oh, yeah, keep the bills in a separate pile.)

Or be creative with Christmas tree ornaments. Choose one that symbolizes the most significant family event this past year. Maybe it will be a little house, if you moved, a little dog, if you got a new pet, or a symbol for one of your children's accomplishments. Write the year on the back, and then watch your family history unfold year by year.

Many families give each child their own ornament each year. Just about the time the tree branches really start to droop, the kids marry and take their ornaments with them for their own tree, and start the tradition again with their own children.

Another great idea is to make an audio tape with everybody talking about the highlights of the past year - even if you have a baby who can only make gurgles and squeals into the recorder. As your family grows to include spouses and even grandchildren, just think how valuable those tapes will become!

And don't forget the creative use of video recorders, too.

Remember that you're shaping the future. Any tradition you establish which your children hold dear will likely be passed on to future generations. The heritage - the legacy - the memories are more valuable than anything you can touch. (Except for maybe those Christmas stocking handmade by Grandma 50 years ago.) So build a tradition. Go for a drive and look at the Christmas lights. Build a snowman in the front yard. Whatever is right for your family. Begin this year. Because I can also hear Tevye singing another song from "Fiddler on the Roof", "Sunrise, Sunset, Sunrise, Sunset. Swiftly fly the years."

Here are five traditions that have become important to the Canfield family. They're not brilliant. Or amazing. Or even unique. But, they're ours.

1. We pick out and sometimes cut down our own Christmas tree. We make it a family affair. I tell you, you'll quickly learn what real conflict resolution is all about. When we get the tree home, we set aside the evening, put on some Christmas music that is near to our hearts and decorate the entire house. You know, this fall I noticed another house in our neighborhood that had gone to great effort and expense to decorate for Halloween. Just wait until they see us lighting up the entire block for Christmas!

2. When we go shopping, we shop together. Everyone divides up to conquer the land-or the mall, in this case - and we make sure everyone has an opportunity to buy something-or at least pick something out - for someone else. It really is more blessed to give than to receive.

3. We attend a Christmas Eve candlelight service. There should be plenty of them going on in your community, if not in your church. We make sure to sit together as a family just this once. Candlelight services can make a big impression on youngsters who are already caught up in the spirit of Christmas. In the midst of the gifts, the food, the decorating, and all the other activities, make sure your family also celebrates and worships the reason for the season.

4. When we get to the Christmas day celebration, I get the entire family involved. Everybody does something special, whether it's singing a song, playing an instrument, reciting a poem or reading a short story. Everyone gets the satisfaction of contributing something meaningful to the gathering.

5. And finally, the fifth tradition-actually it's my own state of mind during the holidays. Be cool. We let the wrapping roll, and I let the kids yelp and holler if they want. We have something worth celebrating. For on that night, in the town of David, a savior was born, who is Christ the Lord.

Ken Canfield

Do you have a favorite Christmas Tradition? Share it with us.

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