There's a lot to tell you about this month so I'll get right to it:

• New Website Coming!
  For quite some time now I've been working toward converting/migrating all of the content on the Fatherville website to a content management system (CMS) which is just a technical way of saying that I'll be storing all of the articles, essays and other Fatherville site content into a database. Up to this point most of the content has been stored in flat text files or in plain old HTML pages. A content management system separates the content from the design so that site owners can focus on design without worrying about the content and vice versa. Why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this so that when the migration is complete and the new site is online you may notice a few changes in the way the site looks and operates. But, I've tried my best to keep the changes to a minimum. The fact of the matter is that the site is really growing and I need to be able to scale the site for growth. Stay tuned.
   
• Who's that "hacking" at my door?
  On Sunday, January 30 the Fatherville website was targeted and successfully attacked by a hacker. The hacker managed to delete many of the static pages that were a part of the site. I won't bother you with the details as to how this was achieved but suffice it to say this is another good reason for converting the Fatherville website to a database content management system. The CMS will provide more security for what's really important to the site and that's the content that makes up the Fatherville website. Are there any web security guru's out there? I'd sure be open to suggestions/tips on the best ways to keep the Fatherville site as secure as possible. Write me
   
• Valentines Day is just around the corner...don't put it off.
  Here a simple, straight forward question: What do you have planned for your wife on Valentine's Day? Need some ideas? (hint: This is a gift from me to you. You can thank me later.)
   
• Fatherville Tip of the Week
  Many of you have already subscribed to the Fatherville tip of the Week email and I'd like to say, "Thank you." It's a great way to receive simple tips that can really improve your fathering skills. If you haven't already done so please consider subscribing today. Oh, and did I mention the service is absolutely f-r-e-e!?

Now on to the good stuff...

By Gary Direnfeld

Blended family is the term used when previously separated parents remarry and combine families. If you are looking at “blending” consider these points to facilitate the children’s adjustment:

1. Have a suitable courtship period.

The purpose of courtship is to ensure compatibility prior to marriage. When children are involved, the issue of compatibility extends to the potential stepparent/stepchild relationship and between potential stepsiblings. Families each have their own culture, and their own rituals. During the courtship process, the adults and children use the time to learn and experience their family differences with the view to determining compatibility, adaptation and change. This can only occur over time and a year or two would be a reasonable minimal period for such courtship. Guessing how the kids will respond, adapt or change to anniversaries, birthdays, religious holidays, etc., places them and the blended family at risk. Experiencing and planning for these events during courtship will give some clue as to what to expect after blending and give time to plan.

2. Consider how the kids should address new partners.

During courtship you didn’t expect the kids to call the potential stepparent as mom or dad, but with marriage, many parents do expect this change. For some children this represents an enormous emotional adjustment. Some kids just don’t view the stepparent in the same capacity as a parent and they may fear upsetting their other parent when calling the stepparent mom or dad. As such, what the children call stepparents must be a matter of discussion, not only between parent and stepparent, but also with natural parents and then with the kids. The degree to which this can be sorted out in advance of marriage, the greater the likelihood of a smooth transition. Names do matter and showing respect can go a long way to facilitating adjustment.

3. Find an “up-side” for the kids.

The choice to marry is based upon the adults’ desire for a significant intimate relationship. However from the child’s perspective, they can perceive themselves losing time with the newly married parent. Further, they may now have to share other family resources and there may be a change in residence away from familiar community, friends and school. As such, kids may begrudge the new family and take out their upset on the new stepparent as the source or cause of change. The additional risk in these situations is when the child then complains to the other parent, seeking to avoid the newly blended family. The other parent will likely take the child’s side and try to minimize their upset. Frequently this takes the form of a challenge to the access regime with more restricted access to the newly blended family so as to keep the child away from the upsetting situation. However, this only creates new problems. Allowing time for new relationships to develop and facilitating a tangible benefit to the child in the mdst of the changes can minimize the risk of this situation.

4. Determine issues of responsibility and authority.

Adults entering into blended families need to discuss expectations and the limits of authority for the care, management and discipline of each other’s children. Planning in advance and having the children experience these clearly set structures help the children learn and adjust to new rules.

A new partner can be a wonderful and refreshing experience for separated parents. However, before moving too quickly to marriage or co-habitation, it is best to take time to facilitate adjustment. The purpose of this is to increase the probability that the newly blended family will succeed for everyone and thus limit the chance of another failed marriage with all the disruption it brings to the children.

Do develop and enjoy new relationships. This is natural and healthy. Do so with sensitivity to your children’s adjustment. It really does take considerable time, energy and discussion.

Respond to this article.

By Mark Brandenburg

My five-year-old son had a quirky smile that showed a mixture of pride and anticipation. He’d shown me his art project from school, and he was waiting for his mom. “Come on over and look at what Michael made,” I shouted to my wife.

Michael ran out of the room crying.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “What happened?”

“I wanted to tell Mom myself!” he yelled. “You ruined it.”

Part of me felt empathy for him and sadness that he couldn’t “surprise” his mother. But another dark voice in my head was louder. “Why can’t you grow up?” “Are you going to act like this your whole childhood?”

I was filled with visions of a son who was incapable of dealing with the challenges and frustrations of daily living. And I felt the responsibility of showing him how to be “tough enough” to live in a world that delivers plenty of tough times. At the moment, I felt like I was failing badly.

Masculinity is supposed to be passed on from father to son. It can’t be taught by their mothers, no matter how incredible they are. And our society still struggles with how to define masculinity.

When I counseled men years ago, it became clear to me that those men who hadn’t felt accepted by their fathers would “compensate” for it. They would compensate by becoming workaholics, womanizers, drinkers, etc. Although many of them would accomplish a great deal in their lives, they never felt as though they were “man enough.”

So what are the rules for fathers in raising a son?

They’re really quite simple, but it’s easy for fathers to forget them when they get lost in their own fears about their son being “wimpy.” Here’s a list of these simple rules:

• Be there for him. - Share in his success and in his failure. Share yourself with him, including your failures--he needs to know that you’ve failed and turned out OK.

• Know that your son is studying you very closely, and act accordingly. - He won’t miss much, and he’ll most likely end up quite a bit like you. So be a person that you want him to end up like!

• Approve of him - Approve of him during the good times and the bad. If you let him know after some of his worse moments that you still think he’s great, you’ll get fewer of his worst moments.

• Develop common interests and spend time on them. - When your son becomes a teenager, his interests may change significantly. Have some common interests that will transcend these changes and give you a place to “meet” during those teen years.

As I remembered some of these thoughts, Michael brought his head up from his hands. His face was wet with tears. “I’m sorry, buddy. I didn’t know you wanted to surprise your mom. That must have been disappointing.”

He got up, grabbed his artwork, and ran to his mother to show her.

He may not be the toughest kid around, but I think he’s going to be OK.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers” Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter,“Dads, Don’t Fix Your Kids”


Respond to this article.

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Fatherville.com - Where Real Fathers Write About Real Fatherhood

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