Since it's the beginning of a new year I recently set some new fathering goals for myself. I think they are attainable:

1. Before I arrive home from work and while I am in the car I will begin to mentally transition to the world that exist at home. So that when I cross the threshold I am mentally and physically accessible to my wife and children.

2. I will actively seek to enjoy the world my children live in. For example: when my daughter wants to play 'doll house' or 'dress up' I will thoroughly and completely engage with her in that activity.

3. I will be patient and understanding with my 3 year old son who simply refuses to use the potty. I will demonstrate my patience by gently remind him that the potty in the bathroom is where he needs to take care of his business.

What are your goals as a father for this new year? You did remember to set some fathering goals for 2004 right? If not, here are some ideas to help get you started in the right direction:

• Take some time to write down your goals as a father. What do you really want to accomplish as a dad? Phrase your ideas positively, such as "My goal is to always support my child by expressing my love and acceptance," rather than "I won't withdraw affection when I'm angry with my child." Make your goals reasonable, positive ones that consider your child's current abilities. With all the challenges of today's world, perhaps your greatest goal can be to provide the most love and support that you can.
  
• Figure out how to reach those goals. If your goal is broad, add specifics to it. For instance, add the word "by…" to the goal "I want to be the best dad I can be," then finish the sentence, "I want to be the best dad I can be by providing and expressing love, support, and clear expectations for my child." Then keep going! "I'll know I've done this when I can feel reasonably in control of my reactions to my child; when I provide clear limits and guidelines for his behavior, and when I follow through consistently with my promises." Tinker with your goals until they capture your desire to care for your children and provide specific information about how to do so.
  
• Put your goals into practice. After you've added specifics to your goals, try them out. This is the real work of parenting, so remember that it takes time, patience, and practice. When things get hectic it's easy to forget goals and get sloppy. You say "yes" when you mean "no," or "no" when you mean "let me think about it." You shout as a way of releasing your own tension.

To stick with your goals, you need to know yourself and your child. Are you grumpy after work? Is your child whiney when she's tired or hungry? Be aware of the situations that may be affecting how you act as a parent, and how your child responds.

What are your goals for this new year? Write and let us know how you've decided to improve yourself as a father.

Now on to the good stuff...

By Dr. Ken Canfield via Fathers.com

Article reprinted with permission: © Fathers.com www.fathers.com All Rights Reserved.

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By Archie Wortham

"When you pay it forward, you create a vacuum," my good friend Jerry Marroquin told me as I told him about an Epiphany I had this Christmas. What was that Epiphany? It’s something I want you all, particularly you men to think about this year. This Christmas I realized that my life now should be more about giving than getting.

As my wife and I were dealing with the issue of what to get each other, she confronted me with my hypocrisy. "You constantly say you don’t need anything, but then you always expect something," she told me in Kohl’s I had to admit, being a man, she was right. Sometimes I’m inconsistent like the other insured driver in our house. Remember, our boys are 13 and 9. But I had to admit, she had hit a chord. Women have a tendency to know the real truth about their men, even if we men can’t see it.

So I asked myself was it true? Was I a fraud? And then I realized that even though Christmas still meant a lot to me, I was a fraud. I had lost the meaning of Christmas. And because I’d lost its meaning, I was not passing that meaning on to my sons--so thus my Epiphany, which lead to me writing my wife this note:

"Thank you for being you. You’ve given me the best Christmas present ever…freedom for getting," I continued by telling her, that "When I grew up, Christmas was the only time I really got anything. When I left my aunt’s and moved on to college and began to understand what an extended family was, I got things at Christmas [sometimes] and my birthday [sometimes]. Then I met my dear friend Jewel, who became like a second mother and always got something at both times of the year."

I wrote, "Then you entered my life, and so did Valentine’s. You’ve become a constant, and added another day…anniversary to my opportunity to get. Then you blessed us with two children, and my days increased to include father’s day."

I continued to write, "Well, I’ve grown up thanks to you, and I want this to be the last Christmas of getting for me, and begin one of giving. In the future, boo, in no uncertain terms, let the gifts of Christmas for me [from anyone] be blankets for the homeless, an evening meal at a local shelter, or even an angel plucked from the "gift" tree in the mall, or church."

I concluded by telling my wife of twenty years, "That’s what it’s all about, we can now do the hokey-pokey and turnabout, because you have earned your freedom too…."

So what are you going to do with this revelation? I should hope as you go through this year and realize how blessed you are, that you take time to think about the "why." Why you and not the man without a blanket to sleep with? Why you and not the dad of the boy who’s pants are too short? Why you and not the dad down the street who can’t seem to get it right…and nobody cares if he did? Because nobody does care?

But we do. Yes we do dads, and we need to make sure our sons and daughters know that by doing something.

Now I’m no martyr. I even told my wife that she was free to remind me of her love on Valentine’s, Father’s Day, our anniversary and my birthday. We earned those. But Christmas? God gave that to us, and my pledge this year is to give it back, and get as many as I can to do the same. Start planning now on how you can get your family into the spirit of giving, by first giving your gift away.

We are blessed nation. We are a proud nation. Moreover, one of the things that made us who we are is our faith in a father who has blessed us. So share this with a friend. Talk it over with your spouse, and don’t forget the kids. Afterall, that’s who Christmas is for…and it’s our job to remind them that it’s more than about getting…it’s about giving. Let that start at home now.

"It is not enough for fathers to understand children. They must accord children the privilege of understanding them."
-Milton B. Sapirstein from Always My dad calendar

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Archie Wortham lives with his wife, Suzan of 19 years, and their two sons Myles (8), and Jeremy (12) in Universal City, Texas, a suburb of San Antonio. Retired from the military in 1996, for nine years he wrote a dad's column originally called "Jeremy's Dad," then called "Jeremyles' Dad," named after both his sons. He now writes a column in San Antonio called "Men 2 Fathers." Archie also maintains the Fatherhood site , you may contact him by email at archie@flash.net.

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